Tuesday, December 15, 2020

Lockdown News: Part XX...


It's been an odd year so far, with the Missus having just me for company for most of the time. I have a lot of pity for her over this because I realise my constant optimism and kneejerk reaction to reach for the gag in any situation can at times be a bit wearing. 

So we are in bed and I decide to be quite serious for a moment and I repeat an oft-used line. Nevertheless, the words contain a sentiment I genuinely mean:
'The best bits of my day are going to sleep wrapped around you and waking up curled up to you. As long as those things bookend my days, I can cope with anything. I love you.'

The Missus looks at me and ponders for a moment, before replying.
'I love crisps.'

Romance is alive and well at Brooks Towers.

Saturday, October 24, 2020

New Cummings Dictionary: Part III...

An attempt to pin down words with their new meanings as suggested by current Government behaviours:

Scum: An innocuous-looking gathering of dangerous detritous that floats to the top and threatens to poison the entire eco-system beneath it.

Lockdown News: Part XIX…



When I was younger and more radical, I used to think the only good Tory was a dead one. I've softened since then, and I've read about ones I begrudgingly admired and I've met a few I've genuinely liked.

But this current lot are the most corrupt, talentless, vicious and compassion-free bunch of cunts I've ever seen in UK Government. I could probably forgive some of those failings if they had some basic project management competencies when it came to dealing with the current pandemic. But they are so out of their depth, it's genuinely terrifying.

And now they've decided to vote against providing basic food for impoverished and in-need children.

Sadly, this level of contempt and cruelty has been a direction of travel over the last decade and a bit. I genuinely pity anyone, such as the Red Wall constituents, who voted for them expecting the best and now witnessing this.

You hear that? Things are so bad I pity Tory voters. You genuinely can't want this.

Tuesday, September 08, 2020

Beer Review: Wylam Machiatto and Hazelnut Porter...


It has more depth than a Leonard Cohen song about love and loss, it's luxurious without being decadent, and it possesses a roundness of taste that just keeps going. 

Expert summary: It is eminently drinkable and an utter joy: like a warm cuddle under a comfortable blanket in front of a dwindling fire on a cold winter night. 

Definitely a new entry in my top five stouts/porters. 

Thursday, September 03, 2020

A Working Life: Part II...


I have won an award at work. It is not a major accolade, but it's a nice acknowledgement that I'm putting the hours in, doing some good stuff and generally not being a horrendous twat to work alongside. Some people even said nice things. 

Sadly, I missed these comments as I'd jumped into another virtual meeting at the time to check out some bits on a story I was writing.

I told the Other Woman about the win and she suggested it was a prize for World's Biggest Idiot. I countered by saying it was actually an award for Hottest Man on Campus. She suggested that may be a lie. I said the jury was clearly still deliberating. Things descended from there on in...

But after leaving one toxic employment environment and briefly ending up in another, it's genuinely nice to be settling into a new job with good people who are supportive and have a good game rather than just talk one. I'm also having to quickly up my knowledge on science and technology, which is great because it means I'm having to amass data on several whole new areas very quickly and I bloody love learning. 

These include: physics, chemistry, engineering, nanotechnology, 5G communications, space science, astronomy, sustainability, civil engineering, ion beam analysis and computer science.

It's basically like going back to school, but this time I have a couple of learning specialisms (journalism, martial arts, pool, writing) that I've spent time on. That means I have the mental scaffolding in place that I can use to build new information structures around. 

To quote Mayamoto Musashi, 'From one thing, know ten thousand things.' 

Anyway, me and the Missus decided to rip it up and celebrate the success big-style with a couple of pints and a bag of crisps. We are very rock and roll.

A Working Life: Part I...


I've been blessed to have some very cool journalist jobs in my life and I've interviewed many equally cool people. My Tech Virgin column for Metro, though, ranks as one of the most enjoyable gigs of my career.

Thanks to a supportive editor, I basically call in tech, test it and write about the experience. This means I've played with shitloads of cool bits of kit. I've even got to keep some of it.

I'm currently researching two columns, one of music tech and the other on space tech. Speaking to Lego about something for one of these columns got me chatting about something else. The result was the above little beauty arrived in the post today.

Super Mario Lego may be one of the retro fabbest things ever. I appreciate I am a 51-year-old man and this product is for ages six and above. But it's well dope! For older people, that means it's very good.

The Missus looked at it, noticed the age range and asked me if I needed adult supervision while building it. I think that was sarcasm.

But I've got free Lego. So I don't care.

Tuesday, September 01, 2020

New Cummings Dictionary: Part II...

An attempt to pin down words with their new meanings as suggested by current Government behaviours:

Oven-ready: In no way sufficiently prepared for immediate use and still in need of massive amounts of work.

Resign: To remain in place, despite calls for immediate removal. Anecdotal evidence suggests users of the Cummings Dictionary often confuse 'resign' with the word, 're-sign', which means to be invited to remain an active player. Despite nobody wanting you to.

Monday, August 17, 2020

Lockdown News: Part XVIII...


It's difficult to list all the things the current Government have fucked up. It's like some dark dystopian satire where you think things have hit rock bottom, then you realise they've found a way to keep digging. While spitting at poor people. 


Here are some lowlights in case you've missed them: 

* Worst death rate in Europe 

* Infected patients shipped into care homes 

* Justice system undermined 

* World-beating track and trace system costing millions, awarded to company with Government links and a massive failure

* Millions spunked on red tape in a Brexit they largely engineered 

* Multi-million-pound PPE contracts awarded to shady companies in bizarre back alley deals with no scrutiny 

* Lack of clear messaging on lockdown rules 

* School returns utterly botched 

* Predicted worst recession in Europe en route 


And these are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head. Their latest catastrophe, however, is A Level results. In a piece of social engineering that would win applause from right-wing eugenicists, the algorithm the Government has used to predict A Level results disadvantages pupils from large, state schools and rewards those at private schools.


For those interested in statistics and fact rather than opinion and conjecture, the grade inflation at private schools increasing A to A* was 4.7%. In state sixth forms and FE colleges, the same statistic was 0.3%. And this is just at the top end of the marking system.


Nearly 40% of students have been marked down one grade if they were predicted to get grades ranging from B-D.


I spent Thursday working at a clearing call centre for a university and the amount of gutted students I talked to who were predicted to easily hit their entry grades but were downgraded on results day was heartbreaking.


The day, however, was not without its beautiful moment. The Education Secretary, Gavin Williamson, was quoted as saying: 'The danger is that pupils will be over-promoted into jobs that are beyond their competence.' From a man in the same Cabinet as Priti Patel, Chris Grayling, Matt Hancock, Liz Truss and the laziest and most incompetent Prime Minister in history, Boris Johnson.


Sadly, he didn't actually say this. But Priti Patel did demand that France take back refuges landing in Kent. If we were still in the EU, they'd have to. But guess what? We're not. She probably didn't think it through...


Still we have asylum seekers to throw back in the English Channel and distract us while the Government moves onto he next fuck-up. 


On the plus side, this A Level shit show means Chris Grayling is no longer the most incompetent member of his party. So he's probably delighted.

New Cummings Dictionary: Part I...

An attempt to pin down words with their new meanings as suggested by current Government behaviours:

Expert: A cut-throat and brigand who unscrupulously uses the cloak of education and science-tested knowledge to deceive those who present opinion and anecdote as fact.

Robust: An utter shambles of heart-breaking proportions, which will require an instant u-turn to reverse imminent disaster.

World beating: a performance that is abjectly appalling when measured by any credible metric, which often leads to tragic consequences.

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Lockdown News: Part XVII....


I didn't think the day could get much weirder with Chris Gayling failing at another job, then reading about a church of fundamentalist nutcases offering conversion therapy in Shalford Village Hall. 

Then I spotted a neighbour openly watching porn on his TV. A brave move considering he has at least a 60 incher...

Lockdown News: Part XVI...


I wrote the below piece when the real story behind the Government's 'protective ring' around care homes was just being exposed in early July. But I forgot to post it.


I don’t expect any government or institution to get everything right in a pandemic. Not straight away.


But the UK Government have consistently ignored the science when it doesn’t suit the herd immunity policy they seem set on delivering. They also ignored the experience of other countries, which we had the benefit of and we could have acted upon given the timeframe of the disease spread in the early stages. But this failure has been well documented.


The worst thing now, however, is that they haven’t learnt.


The UK is slowly opening up for business with an 'R' rate still hovering close to 1 and one localised infection spike already forcing part of Leicester back into lockdown. Several SAGE committee members warned against opening up too soon. I genuinely hope we avoid a second wave, but I fear it’s likely. Or this re-opening of the UK will just ensure the first wave keeps on going, which is a novel response to disease management. But it seems to be what they’ve opted for.


The over-arching media policy during this pandemic seems to be Lie, Obfuscate, Confuse the Narrative, Double Down on the Lie, Obfuscate, Repeat. It’s straight out of the Steve Bannon and Roger Stone playbook.


An example of this is the ‘protective ring’ they claimed to throw around care homes. It was non-existent. But they pretended there was one. The result was that 25,000 untested people who couldn't be treated by an under-resourced NHS were discharged into care home, meaning the infected went on to infect other residents. Even worse, the Government are now trying to shift the blame onto under-resourced and under-paid care home staff. 


As The Guardian reported, this prompted an explosion from Mark Adams, the chief executive of leading social care charity Community Integrated Care: 'We’re almost entering an… alternative reality where the Government set the rules, we follow them and they don’t like the results and they then deny setting the rules and blame the people that were trying to do their best.'


If the Government have thrown a protective ring around care homes with the same speed that they threw one around Durham sight-tester Dominic Cummings and Clearly Corrupt Minister of Backhanders Robert Jenrick, then we may well have fewer grieving families. 


But they didn’t. They can own that.


This blaming of other people is shameful. It’s the despicable tactic of a failing coward of a Prime Minister and his minions who hope they can make people look the other way by scapegoating somebody else. But the Government have done it elsewhere. At various times, they've also tried to blame NHS staff for over-using PPE, the NHS, the WHO, teachers, trade unions, scientific advice, young people and Public Health England. 


It's shameful. But it's also part of an ongoing list of horrors. I'm old enough to remember when we were promised a world-beating test, track and trace app, I'm old enough to remember when the Government decided to stop publishing figures on the number of people tested because it was clearly an embarrassment, I'm old enough to remember when a Government Minister thought taking the knee was from Game of Thrones.


Naturally, it's the most vulnerable people who are taking the biggest hit. The old, the poor and members of the BAME community are among those hardest hit by this disease. But after 11 years of austerity, it's hardy surprising because these are among the most vulnerable people in society and all Covid-19 has really done is to expose those inequalities that austerity has wreaked,. 


As I said earlier, i don't expect any Government to have got everything right when handling a pandemic of this scale. But I expect some honesty, some humility and some consideration.


And this lot have none. 

Wednesday, August 12, 2020

Beer Review: Filthy Animal...


This imperial stout is an 8.6 per-cent-er. The chili kick gives it a pleasant warm end note. I may well buy this again as a cheery treat on a cold day.

 

Expert summary: It's like slightly drunk lover giving you an unsophisticated kiss with the promise of more to come when you are a bit down and also a bit pissed. It's warm and welcoming.

Lockdown News: Part XV...

I just woke up and remembered that thought vacuum Liz Truss is an actual Government Minister. 

I am going back to bed until this bullshit is over.

Tuesday, July 07, 2020

Lockdown News: Part XIV...


Boris Johnson has visited Goole and posited the theory that the negligence of care home staff is somehow to blame for the UK's world-beating Covid-19 death rate. 

 

To quote my Uncle Keith, 'He really is lower than a rattlesnake's belly.'

Saturday, May 30, 2020

Lockdown News: Part XIII...


My latest entry in Husband-Wanting-Pat-On-Head-For-Doing-Things-A-Child-Knows Award.

Thursday, May 28, 2020

Lockdown News: Part XII...


Today I have the utterly blissful feeling of achievement you get when finishing a new play. That this could be the breakthrough, the one that finally lands…


Tomorrow begins the slow process of rereading, editing and rewriting, dismantling and reassembling, frustration and annoyance that none of it makes sense, and nagging doubt that it isn’t very good.


But today is not tomorrow yet…

Lockdown News: Part XI...


As a professional journalist and writer, I am enjoying my new Twitter-bot-created status of #ScumMedia. 

I genuinely love the idea that to dismiss any criticism of HM Government, the entire media is being largely carpet-bombed by Tory bots on Twitter. North Korean news managers would be ashamed of this behaviour. 

I, on the other hand, am thinking about getting t-shirts printed. As #ScumMedia myself, I am proud to support other #ScumMedia such as The Guardian, The Mirror, The Sunday Times, The Daily Star, Owen Jones, Ash Sarker and Emily Maitlis. All of these have used facts to let the Johnson administration's recent record speak for itself.

If you are fellow #ScumMedia, stand up and be proud! 

PS. Here's a link to an analysis of where the majority of these tweets are coming from.

Tuesday, May 26, 2020

Lockdown News: Part X...

The thing to take home from the Sunday press briefing, in which Prime Minister Boris Johnson defended his chief advisor, Dominic Cummings, is this: they are in power and they do not give a flying fuck about you, your concerns or the sacrifices you have made to combat Covid-19. Protecting his mate is more important than anything you have done. Fact.

The thing to take home from the Monday press briefing, in which a non-elected government advisor was given a huge amount of air time on the BBC to defend his position with one preposterous lie after another, is this: he is an unelected official who holds power and he does not give a flying fuck about you, your concerns or the sacrifices you have made to combat Covid-19. He also thinks it's safe to drive a car containing his wife and child when he has eyesight issues.

The thing to take home from the glut of Cabinet Ministers and Tory MPs who rushed out cut and paste Tweets in defence of Cummings is this: they are in power and they do not give a flying fuck about you, your concerns or the sacrifices you have made to combat Covid-19. They will do anything to cling to power.

Do you see a pattern emerging here? The entire nation has just been gaslit. They may as well have taken everyone in the UK who's followed the rules, put them in a line, then taken turns to spit in their faces. And laugh while doing it. 

Then mocked: 'If you observed the rules of lockdown, then you're a mug because you clearly didn't understand the instructions well enough. You mugs. You massive bunch of mugs. You massive bunch of thick fucking mugs. Dominic understood. But you didn't. You mugs. We are mugging you the fuck off. Mugs. Fuck off back to poor land. Mug fucks.'

I don't know about you, but I don't feel very good about that. And I don't think I'm actually exaggerating the general strength of feeling about this either.

Sunday, May 24, 2020

Lockdown News: Part IX...


When exactly did you think you might be having some form of breakdown? 

It was nine weeks into lockdown. I went out shopping for essential supplies and I came back with beer and a nasal hair trimmer...

Lockdown News: Part VIII...


I have made cookies. To be fair, they are more biscuit than cookie. But I will refine the recipe and the cooking times on batch no.2 and get this right. 

Fuck grouting. Baking is where it's at!

Lockdown News: Part VII...


One of the DIY jobs I am tasked with while me and the Missus are on lockdown is to regrout the patio. This constitutes a change in the balance of power in our relationship as it means I am suddenly trusted not to fuck a DIY thing up. Or the Missus is bored and she wants to be entertained while I crash and burn while doing something.

To be fair, my track record of DIY has had spectacular successes, such as me totally dismantling a 120-part Warren Evans three-door wardrobe and re-assembling it in a different room. 

But there have also been less successful ventures, such as the role I once had as a student handyman in as Winchester department store. This resulted in thousands of pounds worth of damage to designer dresses when I had a painting accident, and me fusing the electrics on the entire first floor while drilling a hole. So the Missus may have a point.

To prepare, I watched videos on YouTube on patio regrouting and I ordered a trowel set and some pre-mixed mortar. When the mortar arrived, the Missus took one look at the bag and told me I hadn't ordered enough. I explained how it looked bigger in the picture and I was sure it would be fine. She countered by saying I over-estimated the size and usefulness of everything. I think that was a cock reference.

But two days in and It is sort of looking OK. I imagine my builder forefathers are looking down and saying, 'We knew he'd come good eventually. He can now leave them books and that writing behind him and be a real man with a proper job.' Or something like that.

Of course, I'm not saying I am the best patio regrouter in the world. But I am definitely in the top two. In our house. Of two people.

Monday, May 18, 2020

Beer Review: S43's Imperial Peanut Butter Fudge Stout...


One advantage of Lockdown Land is that I am drinking more. This is good because I like drinking. I always have and I hope I always will. 

I've had moments when this habit has threatened to take hold of me a bit too much. But they were a long time ago, and marriage, work and martial arts training have helped me keep a grip on a potential demon that has haunted and possessed several family members. 

Stout has generally been my drink of choice and I've revelled in the explosion of craft beers in the past five years. Consequently, I decided to give S43's Imperial Peanut Butter Fudge Stout a whirl. 

Drunk too chilled, it can taste a bit metallic. Drunk at room temperature, however, it's a pretty pleasant experience with the peanut note hitting you right at the end. It's quite a thick pour. It's 9%, too, so it's a sipper and not a gulper. 

It's not in my top ten and I still prefer Tailgate's Peanut Butter Milk Stout, but it's worth a go. If only so you can enjoy the quirky can design that's clearly ripped off from a well-known chocolate bar. 

Expert summary: A bit too brazen and not sophisticated enough. Like a young lover who talks a good game about sex then fails to deliver in the bedroom, leaving only the sad taste that comes with high expectations and limited success.

Saturday, May 16, 2020

Lockdown News: Part VI...


It was always my plan to write something about Covid-19. My initial idea was to take two divorcing characters from a play about dementia I am currently creating and lock them down in a household together. 

The play would tell the tale of their outright hatred for one another and the reason for their separation. But it would also comment on the incompetent handling by the Government of the crisis and the reporting of it by the Daily Mail. 


Since the pandemic started, I have kept notes on the situation as it expands from the points of view of both HM Government and the Mail, and I am genuinely having difficulty keeping up with the rate of lies, obfuscation and disinformation from both places. Couple that with some particularly vile front pages from The Mail and it's almost beyond satire. And that's before we look at Donald Trump. It's terrifying. And I don't even have my long hair (pictured above) to entertain me any more.


Of course, that doesn't mean it won't get written. I just may need some space from it. But I have found another angle into this and I'm powering on with that instead while I am on furlough from work. 


To quote the Trump, I think it will be 'super duper'. If we don't all die first.

Monday, May 04, 2020

Lockdown News: Part V...


A word of warning for husbands: scoring 485 at Scrabble when playing your wife means 'privileges' may be withdrawn. 

Lockdown News: Part IV...



I usually wait until me and the Missus are back from our evening walk until I have my first beer of the day in Lockdown Land. But, on Friday afternoon, I went rogue and cracked one open at 4pm. And, guilty admission, I was still working. 

As a long-time journalist, drinking at work is nothing new. In fact, at one point it was such a part of the culture that you were almost an oddity if you didn't. Some of the best journalists I've ever met would do four or five pints at lunch, then go back to the office and somehow manage to produce amazing copy. But it's not been something I've ever done to excess. I haven't drunk at work for the best part of a decade and a half. Until Friday.

Sadly, there's a lot to be concerned about at the moment and reaching for a drink is sometimes a sensible way of not allowing it in, particularly if you have any cogent thought process that allows you to unpick the amount of obfuscation and lies the public are being fed at the moment.

Here are some of my favourites:

i) We're all in the same boat: We're not all in the same boat. We're all in the same storm. It's just that those of us with bigger and more well-equipped boats have a much better chance of avoiding capsizing, sinking and drowning. It's like austerity. We were all in the same boat then. And remember how that disparity played out between the haves and the have nots.

ii) PPE shortage: The way we've basically left NHS staff to function without enough PPE is disgusting. The way we've not helped supply care homes with PPE and seen the pandemic spread at an increased rate through many of these should be a source of national shame. How can the fifth richest economy in the world not be able to manufacture this? I recently interviewed somebody making PPE. He talked about how the manufacturing base of the UK has been decimated for the last 30-40 years. So I accept that is one factor. But emails going missing and UK companies offering to make PPE and not getting a response from Government is appalling.

iii) It's just like the war, isn't it? This was a war we could have been much better prepared for. The Lancet published an article at the end of January that predicted pretty much everything that would happen if this pandemic spread. Exercise Cygnus, a modelling operation Theresa May's government conducted in 2016 on a pandemic coming from Asia, predicted pretty much the same outcomes. If this was a war and we'd ignored the threat of the enemy to this extent, you'd have to assume the generals had been in the chateau several miles behind enemy lines, ignoring the constant incoming shells and getting pissed for the last three months.

iv) They're all heroes! This is difficult one to argue because anyone who risks their lives to protect other people is a hero in my book. We've also had the frankly amazing Captain Tom Moore, the former British Army Officer who's raised a staggering £31million and counting for the NHS by walking in his garden. The hero narrative is a seductive one. But one of the lines a nurse said in a recent Panorama, which investigated whether the Government was negligent in its efforts to secure PPE equipment, stuck with me. To paraphrase: 'If we're seen as heroes, it makes it easier for people to accept us dying in the line of duty.' So NHS workers are heroes. But, make no mistake, they are also victims who are dying fighting a disease that we should have been better prepared to fight. They need functional equipment and pragmatic support, not epitaphs.

v) Freedom of the press: part I: As a journalist, it's been pretty horrifying to watch The Sun and The Daily Mail largely carve out a news agenda that fails to question even the most basic failings of the Government. The job of a journalist is to ask questions. Some of them may be uncomfortable, but that's how we land at fact and not spin. It's true that a few of their front pages have offered some criticism, but that only gives the illusion that they're putting Boris Johnson and chums under scrutiny. For the large part, their on-message sycophancy would shame media outlets in North Korea. The fact one Sunday Times journalist was also banned from asking questions at a Government briefing after the paper ran an expose on its handling of the crisis would also shame a tinpot dictatorship. 

vi) Freedom of the press: part II: On the plus side, the abject failure of much of the mainstream press has meant I've shopped around more than usual for my news input. The BBC has its issues, but it remains OK as long as you consider its right-wing leanings. Yes, Laura Kuenssberg, I mean you and others like you. The Guardian and The Mirror have done some sterling reporting and I've also become a fan of Novara Media and Ash Sarker. Looking at how the UK is viewed by other countries is also a healthy exercise. Quite worryingly, though, it's political satire shows such as The Mash Report that seem to have the most balanced view. At least they have the decency to base their satire on verifiable fact.

vii) We're following the science: Science usually involves closely observing phenomena, drawing conclusions from those observation, then assembling the data and forming a coherent argument or plan based on that data. That's how science works. If the UK Government was following the science, it would not have ignored the findings of Exercise Cygnus and it would not have ignored the many articles in The Lancet predicting pretty much everything that has come to pass. It would also have examined the manner in which the disease spread through Asia and Europe and taken best practice examples of how to deal with it when it finally landed on UK shores. Instead, we got 'herd immunity' and, even worse, the potential placement of government advisor Dominic Cummings sitting in and contributing to SAGE (Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies) meetings. The vague possibility the presentation of the science could have been shaped to fulfil a political agenda beggars belief.

After writing this. I need another drink...

Friday, April 10, 2020

Lockdown News: Part III...


Saw this. Liked it. I think she's one of the most astute political commentators out there. Enjoy...

Wednesday, April 08, 2020

Lockdown News: Part II...


Apparently musicals by multi-millionaire former Tory peer and arse-faced human Andrew Lloyd Webber are going to be made available for free on a YouTube channel. 
Just in case we haven't suffered enough.

Thursday, April 02, 2020

Lockdown News: Part I...


Confession time. I initially quite liked the idea of social distancing. It's true that I love meeting people, training martial arts with people, going out with people and all that sort of stuff. I am probably a people person. If that doesn't make me sound like a complete cunt.

But the modern world is also really noisy. And the pressure to follow people and 'like' things on social media has even turned the volume up in quiet spaces. So I am tempted to like this enforced break from my normal routines.

With vulnerable people dying, NHS frontline staff not getting adequate protection and a government showing all the authority of a crap prefect during an earthquake, the world is a scary place. So opting out of it for a while is an enticing option.

You sort of hope people may learn to be more tolerant and forgiving after this shit storm is over. But the evidence is unclear. Lots of people have volunteered to help those in trouble and that's great. But there were also weapons-grade fuckwits at the start of this who took little heed of the distancing advice, and put themselves first and stockpiled food so there wasn't enough available for everyone else.

Then there's the Government. Their response to the crisis has been utterly shocking.

They dithered and promoted some ridiculous 'herd immunity' bollocks when all the evidence showed that the pandemic was heading to these shores – and they needed to start following the examples of other countries who'd successfully adopted policies to stem the tide of contagion. Even when it had arrived, the focus seemed to be on protecting the economy and ensuring their rich mates were protected at the expense of the people working for them.

They've also been appalling at acquiring basic protective equipment and testing for frontline NHS staff. In fact, you have to admire the sheer brass neck of Tory politicians standing in front of signs that read 'Protect the NHS'. Yes, it would be an idea, wouldn't it? Damn shame you've spent a decade starving it of funding and slashing pretty much every resource it needs to function at anything like full capacity.

Then, in added piece of balls-out chutzpah, the disgusting bastards stood there and clapped for the NHS like they've always been its greatest champions.

I genuinely despair. I should just opt out. And I would do if I didn't realise that was the wrong response. But what to do? I guess it's a matter of waiting for this to be over, then rolling my sleeves up and finding a way to help change things.

In retrospect, social distancing isn't really so appealing. Social uniting is what's needed. And everyone needs to opt in.

Thursday, March 19, 2020

The Write Stuff...



I have started a new job in my home town of Guildford. So far, the job is ace and the people are fab.

One obvious benefit is that I am no longer travelling in and out of London every day. This lack of commuting time means I can start a new group for local playwrights and actually be there. I ran one for three years, but I had to leave it because the pressures of work were insane and I no longer had the time to make meetings. Or do pretty much anything else.

This time I'm building a group with Guildford Fringe Theatre Company who are ace people I've worked with in the past. The battleplan is we create a supportive group full of writers who'll offer feedback on whatever we happen to be writing at that present moment. 

This is good because it will give me a monthly structure to deliver 20 pages of work to whatever else I may be doing. I'll also get to meet lots of cool people. 

And I may even explore my latest idea. This is Bucks Fizz: The Jukebox Musical. 

It's a story about the trials, tribulations, break-ups, bust-ups and post-bus-crash return of the Brit Eurovision supergroup. It will feature Bucks Fizz, Dollar and Brexit party hopeful Jay Aston. It will offer lead-in lines to the music of the group, but then not play any. It's ultimate post-modern irony.

Tag line: Buckle up... it's no land of make believe. 

I may also do things that are not quite as lunatic, such as the play on Brexit/dementia I am researching. Or the TV series involving pool league chairman and carpet mogul Malcolm Drudge. 

I only hope some pandemic doesn't scupper my new job or any of my writing plans...

Monday, February 24, 2020

Competition Time: Part II...


A day after competing and I am less angry with myself. But that would not be hard considering the foul fucking mood I left the venue in. I basically lost all discipline and hit the self-destruct button at the tournament.

The truth is that I've been here before when I crashed and burnt at a big national pool event a few years ago. What I did after that was stew for a few days, then dissect, dismantle and rebuild my entire single-frame game. Result: I've regularly performed at every big tournament since under the pressure of not letting my team-mates down.

So I clearly need to adopt a similar policy here.

My best strategy at BJJ is always to pull guard, get my opponent in my closed guard, secure an overhook and attack from there with omoplatas, chokes and wrist locks. I have been trying to add half guard into this mix for a while, too, and it's sort of coming along.

So I need to build in more strategies to get opponents into this place where I feel I operate best and I need to build in more failsafes to avoid making myself vulnerable when this doesn't happen. 

So my four priorities for the next few months need to be: 
i) drill mount and side control escape combinations so I can escape bad positions and either establish or re-establish half or full guard 
ii) drill pulling guard or throwing using the Greco throw I like to get on top of an opponent 
iii) drill butterfly, shin-on-shin or single x to defend bad positions when I am fighting a standing opponent from the floor
iv) drill breaking and passing guard to establish a better position 

Any other fancy shit can wait. I think that's a decent plan.

Sunday, February 23, 2020

Competition Time: Part I...


A return to competing at BJJ but an utter disaster of a day. I'd trained harder for this event than ever before and I was fucking awful. The only thing I did right was make weight.

Fight number one was No Gi and, because there was nobody else in my age category, I was thrown in with fighters 15 years younger. That's not normally a massive issue, but I ran up against someone who was also just better in every department and was much stronger as well. Result: I made a half-arsed attempt to pull guard but ended up getting passed and tapped to an Americana that badly wrenched my rotator cuff in about 30 seconds.

I had higher hopes in gi with four of us in the category, namely myself, another 50-year-old and two 40-year-olds. I tried to pull guard in my first fight, again made a mess of it and got trapped in side control for five minutes and lost. I then fought for bronze and tried to pull guard again, fucked it up and ended up in a weird butterfly position that took absolutely no passing. I nearly got a sweep but ended up tapping to a footlock.

The gi fights were both winnable but I didn't do the basics right in either and got entirely what I deserved. My coach told me that I should have mixed side control escapes up in my first and secured a guard in the second. I had options to go to single x and de la Riva but basically did nothing. And these are not things I don't know either.

There are no good philosophical take homes from this. I was utterly rubbish. I genuinely may as well not have bothered. I needed to be more focused and I needed to have a clearer plan. I also need to drill bread-and-butter positions and techniques I don't drill with much more regularity. 

PS: just when I thought the day could not get any worse, my train home was cancelled.

Friday, February 21, 2020

The 120-press-ups-a-day Challenge: Part VI...


So we are done. It's less than 48 hours until competition day and, this week in particular, I have trained like a lunatic and logged about 15 hours of mat time. 

Anyway, the press-up results so far: 
Day 52 Accumulative Press-ups Total: 4980
Day 52 Weight: 12 stone 10 pounds
Day 52 Waist: 34 inches
Day 52 Chest: 40 Inches

I would post a picture of my finely honed physique but I fear it would break the internet. So I have posted a picture of Stan Laurel with Oliver Hardy instead because I have a new haircut and I look like Stan. We also share a similar physique.

I'm also going to continue the press-up and punching thing but only do it a couple of times a week and increase the numbers.

Nearly Great Song Titles...


A semi-regular flight of fancy in which I play with song titles and try to make them funny by swapping one letter for an alternative letter. 

Today's entries are submitted by the Other Woman:

A Day in the Wife by The Beatles 
Teenage Dicks by The Undertones 
Brighton Cock by Queen 
24-hour Farty People by The Happy Mondays

The first one is a particular favourite and it reminds me that she is a world-class smut bucket.

Monday, February 17, 2020

Nearly Great Song Titles...




A semi-regular flight of fancy in which I play with song titles and try to make them funny by swapping one letter for an alternative letter. 

Today's entries:

Fridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkle
All Night Dong by Lionel Richie
Lancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen
Glue Monday by New Order
Teenage Dicks by The Undertones

I will try to make future entries less smutty and more surreal.