It's been an odd year so far, with the Missus having just me for company for most of the time. I have a lot of pity for her over this because I realise my constant optimism and kneejerk reaction to reach for the gag in any situation can at times be a bit wearing.
Tuesday, December 15, 2020
Lockdown News: Part XX...
It's been an odd year so far, with the Missus having just me for company for most of the time. I have a lot of pity for her over this because I realise my constant optimism and kneejerk reaction to reach for the gag in any situation can at times be a bit wearing.
Saturday, October 24, 2020
New Cummings Dictionary: Part III...
An attempt to pin down words with their new meanings as suggested by current Government behaviours:
Lockdown News: Part XIX…
But this current lot are the most corrupt, talentless, vicious and compassion-free bunch of cunts I've ever seen in UK Government. I could probably forgive some of those failings if they had some basic project management competencies when it came to dealing with the current pandemic. But they are so out of their depth, it's genuinely terrifying.
And now they've decided to vote against providing basic food for impoverished and in-need children.
Sadly, this level of contempt and cruelty has been a direction of travel over the last decade and a bit. I genuinely pity anyone, such as the Red Wall constituents, who voted for them expecting the best and now witnessing this.
You hear that? Things are so bad I pity Tory voters. You genuinely can't want this.
Tuesday, September 08, 2020
Beer Review: Wylam Machiatto and Hazelnut Porter...
Thursday, September 03, 2020
A Working Life: Part II...
I told the Other Woman about the win and she suggested it was a prize for World's Biggest Idiot. I countered by saying it was actually an award for Hottest Man on Campus. She suggested that may be a lie. I said the jury was clearly still deliberating. Things descended from there on in...
A Working Life: Part I...
Super Mario Lego may be one of the retro fabbest things ever. I appreciate I am a 51-year-old man and this product is for ages six and above. But it's well dope! For older people, that means it's very good.
The Missus looked at it, noticed the age range and asked me if I needed adult supervision while building it. I think that was sarcasm.
But I've got free Lego. So I don't care.
Tuesday, September 01, 2020
New Cummings Dictionary: Part II...
Monday, August 17, 2020
Lockdown News: Part XVIII...
It's difficult to list all the things the current Government have fucked up. It's like some dark dystopian satire where you think things have hit rock bottom, then you realise they've found a way to keep digging. While spitting at poor people.
Here are some lowlights in case you've missed them:
* Worst death rate in Europe
* Infected patients shipped into care homes
* Justice system undermined
* World-beating track and trace system costing millions, awarded to company with Government links and a massive failure
* Millions spunked on red tape in a Brexit they largely engineered
* Multi-million-pound PPE contracts awarded to shady companies in bizarre back alley deals with no scrutiny
* Lack of clear messaging on lockdown rules
* School returns utterly botched
* Predicted worst recession in Europe en route
And these are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head. Their latest catastrophe, however, is A Level results. In a piece of social engineering that would win applause from right-wing eugenicists, the algorithm the Government has used to predict A Level results disadvantages pupils from large, state schools and rewards those at private schools.
For those interested in statistics and fact rather than opinion and conjecture, the grade inflation at private schools increasing A to A* was 4.7%. In state sixth forms and FE colleges, the same statistic was 0.3%. And this is just at the top end of the marking system.
Nearly 40% of students have been marked down one grade if they were predicted to get grades ranging from B-D.
I spent Thursday working at a clearing call centre for a university and the amount of gutted students I talked to who were predicted to easily hit their entry grades but were downgraded on results day was heartbreaking.
The day, however, was not without its beautiful moment. The Education Secretary, Gavin Williamson, was quoted as saying: 'The danger is that pupils will be over-promoted into jobs that are beyond their competence.' From a man in the same Cabinet as Priti Patel, Chris Grayling, Matt Hancock, Liz Truss and the laziest and most incompetent Prime Minister in history, Boris Johnson.
Sadly, he didn't actually say this. But Priti Patel did demand that France take back refuges landing in Kent. If we were still in the EU, they'd have to. But guess what? We're not. She probably didn't think it through...
Still we have asylum seekers to throw back in the English Channel and distract us while the Government moves onto he next fuck-up.
On the plus side, this A Level shit show means Chris Grayling is no longer the most incompetent member of his party. So he's probably delighted.
New Cummings Dictionary: Part I...
Robust: An utter shambles of heart-breaking proportions, which will require an instant u-turn to reverse imminent disaster.
World beating: a performance that is abjectly appalling when measured by any credible metric, which often leads to tragic consequences.
Saturday, August 15, 2020
Lockdown News: Part XVII....
Lockdown News: Part XVI...
I wrote the below piece when the real story behind the Government's 'protective ring' around care homes was just being exposed in early July. But I forgot to post it.
I don’t expect any government or institution to get everything right in a pandemic. Not straight away.
But the UK Government have consistently ignored the science when it doesn’t suit the herd immunity policy they seem set on delivering. They also ignored the experience of other countries, which we had the benefit of and we could have acted upon given the timeframe of the disease spread in the early stages. But this failure has been well documented.
The worst thing now, however, is that they haven’t learnt.
The UK is slowly opening up for business with an 'R' rate still hovering close to 1 and one localised infection spike already forcing part of Leicester back into lockdown. Several SAGE committee members warned against opening up too soon. I genuinely hope we avoid a second wave, but I fear it’s likely. Or this re-opening of the UK will just ensure the first wave keeps on going, which is a novel response to disease management. But it seems to be what they’ve opted for.
The over-arching media policy during this pandemic seems to be Lie, Obfuscate, Confuse the Narrative, Double Down on the Lie, Obfuscate, Repeat. It’s straight out of the Steve Bannon and Roger Stone playbook.
An example of this is the ‘protective ring’ they claimed to throw around care homes. It was non-existent. But they pretended there was one. The result was that 25,000 untested people who couldn't be treated by an under-resourced NHS were discharged into care home, meaning the infected went on to infect other residents. Even worse, the Government are now trying to shift the blame onto under-resourced and under-paid care home staff.
As The Guardian reported, this prompted an explosion from Mark Adams, the chief executive of leading social care charity Community Integrated Care: 'We’re almost entering an… alternative reality where the Government set the rules, we follow them and they don’t like the results and they then deny setting the rules and blame the people that were trying to do their best.'
If the Government have thrown a protective ring around care homes with the same speed that they threw one around Durham sight-tester Dominic Cummings and Clearly Corrupt Minister of Backhanders Robert Jenrick, then we may well have fewer grieving families.
But they didn’t. They can own that.
This blaming of other people is shameful. It’s the despicable tactic of a failing coward of a Prime Minister and his minions who hope they can make people look the other way by scapegoating somebody else. But the Government have done it elsewhere. At various times, they've also tried to blame NHS staff for over-using PPE, the NHS, the WHO, teachers, trade unions, scientific advice, young people and Public Health England.
It's shameful. But it's also part of an ongoing list of horrors. I'm old enough to remember when we were promised a world-beating test, track and trace app, I'm old enough to remember when the Government decided to stop publishing figures on the number of people tested because it was clearly an embarrassment, I'm old enough to remember when a Government Minister thought taking the knee was from Game of Thrones.
Naturally, it's the most vulnerable people who are taking the biggest hit. The old, the poor and members of the BAME community are among those hardest hit by this disease. But after 11 years of austerity, it's hardy surprising because these are among the most vulnerable people in society and all Covid-19 has really done is to expose those inequalities that austerity has wreaked,.
As I said earlier, i don't expect any Government to have got everything right when handling a pandemic of this scale. But I expect some honesty, some humility and some consideration.
And this lot have none.
Wednesday, August 12, 2020
Beer Review: Filthy Animal...
This imperial stout is an 8.6 per-cent-er. The chili kick gives it a pleasant warm end note. I may well buy this again as a cheery treat on a cold day.
Expert summary: It's like slightly drunk lover giving you an unsophisticated kiss with the promise of more to come when you are a bit down and also a bit pissed. It's warm and welcoming.
Lockdown News: Part XV...
I just woke up and remembered that thought vacuum Liz Truss is an actual Government Minister.
I am going back to bed until this bullshit is over.
Tuesday, July 07, 2020
Lockdown News: Part XIV...
Boris Johnson has visited Goole and posited the theory that the negligence of care home staff is somehow to blame for the UK's world-beating Covid-19 death rate.
To quote my Uncle Keith, 'He really is lower than a rattlesnake's belly.'
Saturday, May 30, 2020
Thursday, May 28, 2020
Lockdown News: Part XII...
Today I have the utterly blissful feeling of achievement you get when finishing a new play. That this could be the breakthrough, the one that finally lands…
Tomorrow begins the slow process of rereading, editing and rewriting, dismantling and reassembling, frustration and annoyance that none of it makes sense, and nagging doubt that it isn’t very good.
But today is not tomorrow yet…
Lockdown News: Part XI...
Tuesday, May 26, 2020
Lockdown News: Part X...
The thing to take home from the Monday press briefing, in which a non-elected government advisor was given a huge amount of air time on the BBC to defend his position with one preposterous lie after another, is this: he is an unelected official who holds power and he does not give a flying fuck about you, your concerns or the sacrifices you have made to combat Covid-19. He also thinks it's safe to drive a car containing his wife and child when he has eyesight issues.
The thing to take home from the glut of Cabinet Ministers and Tory MPs who rushed out cut and paste Tweets in defence of Cummings is this: they are in power and they do not give a flying fuck about you, your concerns or the sacrifices you have made to combat Covid-19. They will do anything to cling to power.
Then mocked: 'If you observed the rules of lockdown, then you're a mug because you clearly didn't understand the instructions well enough. You mugs. You massive bunch of mugs. You massive bunch of thick fucking mugs. Dominic understood. But you didn't. You mugs. We are mugging you the fuck off. Mugs. Fuck off back to poor land. Mug fucks.'
I don't know about you, but I don't feel very good about that. And I don't think I'm actually exaggerating the general strength of feeling about this either.
Sunday, May 24, 2020
Lockdown News: Part IX...
When exactly did you think you might be having some form of breakdown?
Lockdown News: Part VIII...
I have made cookies. To be fair, they are more biscuit than cookie. But I will refine the recipe and the cooking times on batch no.2 and get this right.
Fuck grouting. Baking is where it's at!
Lockdown News: Part VII...
One of the DIY jobs I am tasked with while me and the Missus are on lockdown is to regrout the patio. This constitutes a change in the balance of power in our relationship as it means I am suddenly trusted not to fuck a DIY thing up. Or the Missus is bored and she wants to be entertained while I crash and burn while doing something.
To be fair, my track record of DIY has had spectacular successes, such as me totally dismantling a 120-part Warren Evans three-door wardrobe and re-assembling it in a different room.
But there have also been less successful ventures, such as the role I once had as a student handyman in as Winchester department store. This resulted in thousands of pounds worth of damage to designer dresses when I had a painting accident, and me fusing the electrics on the entire first floor while drilling a hole. So the Missus may have a point.
To prepare, I watched videos on YouTube on patio regrouting and I ordered a trowel set and some pre-mixed mortar. When the mortar arrived, the Missus took one look at the bag and told me I hadn't ordered enough. I explained how it looked bigger in the picture and I was sure it would be fine. She countered by saying I over-estimated the size and usefulness of everything. I think that was a cock reference.
But two days in and It is sort of looking OK. I imagine my builder forefathers are looking down and saying, 'We knew he'd come good eventually. He can now leave them books and that writing behind him and be a real man with a proper job.' Or something like that.
Of course, I'm not saying I am the best patio regrouter in the world. But I am definitely in the top two. In our house. Of two people.
Monday, May 18, 2020
Beer Review: S43's Imperial Peanut Butter Fudge Stout...
One advantage of Lockdown Land is that I am drinking more. This is good because I like drinking. I always have and I hope I always will.
I've had moments when this habit has threatened to take hold of me a bit too much. But they were a long time ago, and marriage, work and martial arts training have helped me keep a grip on a potential demon that has haunted and possessed several family members.
Stout has generally been my drink of choice and I've revelled in the explosion of craft beers in the past five years. Consequently, I decided to give S43's Imperial Peanut Butter Fudge Stout a whirl.
Drunk too chilled, it can taste a bit metallic. Drunk at room temperature, however, it's a pretty pleasant experience with the peanut note hitting you right at the end. It's quite a thick pour. It's 9%, too, so it's a sipper and not a gulper.
It's not in my top ten and I still prefer Tailgate's Peanut Butter Milk Stout, but it's worth a go. If only so you can enjoy the quirky can design that's clearly ripped off from a well-known chocolate bar.
Saturday, May 16, 2020
Lockdown News: Part VI...
It was always my plan to write something about Covid-19. My initial idea was to take two divorcing characters from a play about dementia I am currently creating and lock them down in a household together.
The play would tell the tale of their outright hatred for one another and the reason for their separation. But it would also comment on the incompetent handling by the Government of the crisis and the reporting of it by the Daily Mail.
Since the pandemic started, I have kept notes on the situation as it expands from the points of view of both HM Government and the Mail, and I am genuinely having difficulty keeping up with the rate of lies, obfuscation and disinformation from both places. Couple that with some particularly vile front pages from The Mail and it's almost beyond satire. And that's before we look at Donald Trump. It's terrifying. And I don't even have my long hair (pictured above) to entertain me any more.
Of course, that doesn't mean it won't get written. I just may need some space from it. But I have found another angle into this and I'm powering on with that instead while I am on furlough from work.
To quote the Trump, I think it will be 'super duper'. If we don't all die first.
Monday, May 04, 2020
Lockdown News: Part V...
A word of warning for husbands: scoring 485 at Scrabble when playing your wife means 'privileges' may be withdrawn.
Lockdown News: Part IV...
Friday, April 10, 2020
Lockdown News: Part III...
Saw this. Liked it. I think she's one of the most astute political commentators out there. Enjoy...
Wednesday, April 08, 2020
Lockdown News: Part II...
Thursday, April 02, 2020
Lockdown News: Part I...
Thursday, March 19, 2020
The Write Stuff...
Monday, February 24, 2020
Competition Time: Part II...
Sunday, February 23, 2020
Competition Time: Part I...
A return to competing at BJJ but an utter disaster of a day. I'd trained harder for this event than ever before and I was fucking awful. The only thing I did right was make weight.
Friday, February 21, 2020
The 120-press-ups-a-day Challenge: Part VI...
So we are done. It's less than 48 hours until competition day and, this week in particular, I have trained like a lunatic and logged about 15 hours of mat time.
Anyway, the press-up results so far:
Day 52 Accumulative Press-ups Total: 4980
I'm also going to continue the press-up and punching thing but only do it a couple of times a week and increase the numbers.
Nearly Great Song Titles...
A semi-regular flight of fancy in which I play with song titles and try to make them funny by swapping one letter for an alternative letter.
Today's entries are submitted by the Other Woman:
A Day in the Wife by The Beatles
Teenage Dicks by The Undertones
Brighton Cock by Queen
24-hour Farty People by The Happy Mondays
The first one is a particular favourite and it reminds me that she is a world-class smut bucket.
Monday, February 17, 2020
Nearly Great Song Titles...
A semi-regular flight of fancy in which I play with song titles and try to make them funny by swapping one letter for an alternative letter.
Today's entries:
Fridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkle
All Night Dong by Lionel Richie
Lancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen
Glue Monday by New Order
Teenage Dicks by The Undertones
I will try to make future entries less smutty and more surreal.