Lockdown News: Part V...

A word of warning for husbands: scoring 485 at Scrabble when playing your wife means 'privileges' may be withdrawn. 

Lockdown News: Part IV...

I usually wait until me and the Missus are back from our evening walk until I have my first beer of the day in Lockdown Land. But, on Friday afternoon, I went rogue and cracked one open at 4pm. And, guilty admission, I was still working. 

As a long-time journalist, drinking at work is nothing new. In fact, at one point it was such a part of the culture that you were almost an oddity if you didn't. Some of the best journalists I've ever met would do four or five pints at lunch, then go back to the office and somehow manage to produce amazing copy. But it's not been something I've ever done to excess. I haven't drunk at work for the best part of a decade and a half. Until Friday.

Sadly, there's a lot to be concerned about at the moment and reaching for a drink is sometimes a sensible way of not allowing it in, particularly if you have any cogent thought process that allows you to unpick the amount of obfuscation and lies the public are being fed at the moment.

Here are some of my favourites:

i) We're all in the same boat: We're not all in the same boat. We're all in the same storm. It's just that those of us with bigger and more well-equipped boats have a much better chance of avoiding capsizing, sinking and drowning. It's like austerity. We were all in the same boat then. And remember how that disparity played out between the haves and the have nots.

ii) PPE shortage: The way we've basically left NHS staff to function without enough PPE is disgusting. The way we've not helped supply care homes with PPE and seen the pandemic spread at an increased rate through many of these should be a source of national shame. How can the fifth richest economy in the world not be able to manufacture this? I recently interviewed somebody making PPE. He talked about how the manufacturing base of the UK has been decimated for the last 30-40 years. So I accept that is one factor. But emails going missing and UK companies offering to make PPE and not getting a response from Government is appalling.

iii) It's just like the war, isn't it? This was a war we could have been much better prepared for. The Lancet published an article at the end of January that predicted pretty much everything that would happen if this pandemic spread. Exercise Cygnus, a modelling operation Theresa May's government conducted in 2016 on a pandemic coming from Asia, predicted pretty much the same outcomes. If this was a war and we'd ignored the threat of the enemy to this extent, you'd have to assume the generals had been in the chateau several miles behind enemy lines, ignoring the constant incoming shells and getting pissed for the last three months.

iv) They're all heroes! This is difficult one to argue because anyone who risks their lives to protect other people is a hero in my book. We've also had the frankly amazing Captain Tom Moore, the former British Army Officer who's raised a staggering £31million and counting for the NHS by walking in his garden. The hero narrative is a seductive one. But one of the lines a nurse said in a recent Panorama, which investigated whether the Government was negligent in its efforts to secure PPE equipment, stuck with me. To paraphrase: 'If we're seen as heroes, it makes it easier for people to accept us dying in the line of duty.' So NHS workers are heroes. But, make no mistake, they are also victims who are dying fighting a disease that we should have been better prepared to fight. They need functional equipment and pragmatic support, not epitaphs.

v) Freedom of the press: part I: As a journalist, it's been pretty horrifying to watch The Sun and The Daily Mail largely carve out a news agenda that fails to question even the most basic failings of the Government. The job of a journalist is to ask questions. Some of them may be uncomfortable, but that's how we land at fact and not spin. It's true that a few of their front pages have offered some criticism, but that only gives the illusion that they're putting Boris Johnson and chums under scrutiny. For the large part, their on-message sycophancy would shame media outlets in North Korea. The fact one Sunday Times journalist was also banned from asking questions at a Government briefing after the paper ran an expose on its handling of the crisis would also shame a tinpot dictatorship. 

vi) Freedom of the press: part II: On the plus side, the abject failure of much of the mainstream press has meant I've shopped around more than usual for my news input. The BBC has its issues, but it remains OK as long as you consider its right-wing leanings. Yes, Laura Kuenssberg, I mean you and others like you. The Guardian and The Mirror have done some sterling reporting and I've also become a fan of Novara Media and Ash Sarker. Looking at how the UK is viewed by other countries is also a healthy exercise. Quite worryingly, though, it's political satire shows such as The Mash Report that seem to have the most balanced view. At least they have the decency to base their satire on verifiable fact.

vii) We're following the science: Science usually involves closely observing phenomena, drawing conclusions from those observation, then assembling the data and forming a coherent argument or plan based on that data. That's how science works. If the UK Government was following the science, it would not have ignored the findings of Exercise Cygnus and it would not have ignored the many articles in The Lancet predicting pretty much everything that has come to pass. It would also have examined the manner in which the disease spread through Asia and Europe and taken best practice examples of how to deal with it when it finally landed on UK shores. Instead, we got 'herd immunity' and, even worse, the potential placement of government advisor Dominic Cummings sitting in and contributing to SAGE (Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies) meetings. The vague possibility the presentation of the science could have been shaped to fulfil a political agenda beggars belief.

After writing this. I need another drink...

Lockdown News: Part III...

Saw this. Liked it. I think she's one of the most astute political commentators out there. Enjoy...

Lockdown News: Part II...

Apparently musicals by multi-millionaire former Tory peer and arse-faced human Andrew Lloyd Webber are going to be made available for free on a YouTube channel. 

Just in case we haven't suffered enough.

Lockdown News: Part I...

Confession time. I initially quite liked the idea of social distancing. It's true that I love meeting people, training martial arts with people, going out with people and all that sort of stuff. I am probably a people person. If that doesn't make me sound like a complete cunt.

But the modern world is also really noisy. And the pressure to follow people and 'like' things on social media has even turned the volume up in quiet spaces. So I am tempted to like this enforced break from my normal routines.

With vulnerable people dying, NHS frontline staff not getting adequate protection and a government showing all the authority of a crap prefect during an earthquake, the world is a scary place. So opting out of it for a while is an enticing option.

You sort of hope people may learn to be more tolerant and forgiving after this shit storm is over. But the evidence is unclear. Lots of people have volunteered to help those in trouble and that's great. But there were also weapons-grade fuckwits at the start of this who took little heed of the distancing advice, and put themselves first and stockpiled food so there wasn't enough available for everyone else.

Then there's the Government. Their response to the crisis has been utterly shocking.

They dithered and promoted some ridiculous 'herd immunity' bollocks when all the evidence showed that the pandemic was heading to these shores – and they needed to start following the examples of other countries who'd successfully adopted policies to stem the tide of contagion. Even when it had arrived, the focus seemed to be on protecting the economy and ensuring their rich mates were protected at the expense of the people working for them.

They've also been appalling at acquiring basic protective equipment and testing for frontline NHS staff. In fact, you have to admire the sheer brass neck of Tory politicians standing in front of signs that read 'Protect the NHS'. Yes, it would be an idea, wouldn't it? Damn shame you've spent a decade starving it of funding and slashing pretty much every resource it needs to function at anything like full capacity.

Then, in added piece of balls-out chutzpah, the disgusting bastards stood there and clapped for the NHS like they've always been its greatest champions.

I genuinely despair. I should just opt out. And I would do if I didn't realise that was the wrong response. But what to do? I guess it's a matter of waiting for this to be over, then rolling my sleeves up and finding a way to help change things.

In retrospect, social distancing isn't really so appealing. Social uniting is what's needed. And everyone needs to opt in.

The Write Stuff...

I have started a new job in my home town of Guildford. So far, the job is ace and the people are fab.

One obvious benefit is that I am no longer travelling in and out of London every day. This lack of commuting time means I can start a new group for local playwrights and actually be there. I ran one for three years, but I had to leave it because the pressures of work were insane and I no longer had the time to make meetings. Or do pretty much anything else.

This time I'm building a group with Guildford Fringe Theatre Company who are ace people I've worked with in the past. The battleplan is we create a supportive group full of writers who'll offer feedback on whatever we happen to be writing at that present moment. 

This is good because it will give me a monthly structure to deliver 20 pages of work to whatever else I may be doing. I'll also get to meet lots of cool people. 

And I may even explore my latest idea. This is Bucks Fizz: The Jukebox Musical. 

It's a story about the trials, tribulations, break-ups, bust-ups and post-bus-crash return of the Brit Eurovision supergroup. It will feature Bucks Fizz, Dollar and Brexit party hopeful Jay Aston. It will offer lead-in lines to the music of the group, but then not play any. It's ultimate post-modern irony.

Tag line: Buckle up... it's no land of make believe. 

I may also do things that are not quite as lunatic, such as the play on Brexit/dementia I am researching. Or the TV series involving pool league chairman and carpet mogul Malcolm Drudge. 

I only hope some pandemic doesn't scupper my new job or any of my writing plans...

Competition Time: Part II...

A day after competing and I am less angry with myself. But that would not be hard considering the foul fucking mood I left the venue in. I basically lost all discipline and hit the self-destruct button at the tournament.

The truth is that I've been here before when I crashed and burnt at a big national pool event a few years ago. What I did after that was stew for a few days, then dissect, dismantle and rebuild my entire single-frame game. Result: I've regularly performed at every big tournament since under the pressure of not letting my team-mates down.

So I clearly need to adopt a similar policy here.

My best strategy at BJJ is always to pull guard, get my opponent in my closed guard, secure an overhook and attack from there with omoplatas, chokes and wrist locks. I have been trying to add half guard into this mix for a while, too, and it's sort of coming along.

So I need to build in more strategies to get opponents into this place where I feel I operate best and I need to build in more failsafes to avoid making myself vulnerable when this doesn't happen. 

So my four priorities for the next few months need to be: 

i) drill mount and side control escape combinations so I can escape bad positions and either establish or re-establish half or full guard 

ii) drill pulling guard or throwing using the Greco throw I like to get on top of an opponent 

iii) drill butterfly, shin-on-shin or single x to defend bad positions when I am fighting a standing opponent from the floor

iv) drill breaking and passing guard to establish a better position 

Any other fancy shit can wait. I think that's a decent plan.

Competition Time: Part I...

A return to competing at BJJ but an utter disaster of a day. I'd trained harder for this event than ever before and I was fucking awful. The only thing I did right was make weight.

Fight number one was No Gi and, because there was nobody else in my age category, I was thrown in with fighters 15 years younger. That's not normally a massive issue, but I ran up against someone who was also just better in every department and was much stronger as well. Result: I made a half-arsed attempt to pull guard but ended up getting passed and tapped to an Americana that badly wrenched my rotator cuff in about 30 seconds.

I had higher hopes in gi with four of us in the category, namely myself, another 50-year-old and two 40-year-olds. I tried to pull guard in my first fight, again made a mess of it and got trapped in side control for five minutes and lost. I then fought for bronze and tried to pull guard again, fucked it up and ended up in a weird butterfly position that took absolutely no passing. I nearly got a sweep but ended up tapping to a footlock.

The gi fights were both winnable but I didn't do the basics right in either and got entirely what I deserved. My coach told me that I should have mixed side control escapes up in my first and secured a guard in the second. I had options to go to single x and de la Riva but basically did nothing. And these are not things I don't know either.

There are no good philosophical take homes from this. I was utterly rubbish. I genuinely may as well not have bothered. I needed to be more focused and I needed to have a clearer plan. I also need to drill bread-and-butter positions and techniques I don't drill with much more regularity. 

PS: just when I thought the day could not get any worse, my train home was cancelled.

The 120-press-ups-a-day Challenge: Part VI...

So we are done. It's less than 48 hours until competition day and, this week in particular, I have trained like a lunatic and logged about 15 hours of mat time. 

Anyway, the press-up results so far: 
Day 52 Accumulative Press-ups Total: 4980

Day 52 Weight: 12 stone 10 pounds

Day 52 Waist: 34 inches

Day 52 Chest: 40 Inches

I would post a picture of my finely honed physique but I fear it would break the internet. So I have posted a picture of Stan Laurel with Oliver Hardy instead because I have a new haircut and I look like Stan. We also share a similar physique.

I'm also going to continue the press-up and punching thing but only do it a couple of times a week and increase the numbers.

Nearly Great Song Titles...

A semi-regular flight of fancy in which I play with song titles and try to make them funny by swapping one letter for an alternative letter. 

Today's entries are submitted by the Other Woman:
A Day in the Wife by The Beatles 
Teenage Dicks by The Undertones 
Brighton Cock by Queen 
24-hour Farty People by The Happy Mondays

The first one is a particular favourite and it reminds me that she is a world-class smut bucket.

Nearly Great Song Titles...

A semi-regular flight of fancy in which I play with song titles and try to make them funny by swapping one letter for an alternative letter. 

Today's entries:
Fridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkle
All Night Dong by Lionel Richie
Lancing in the Dark by Bruce Springsteen
Glue Monday by New Order
Teenage Dicks by The Undertones

I will try to make future entries less smutty and more surreal.

The 120-press-ups-a-day Challenge: Part V...

I'm still at the 150 press-ups mark and I'm finding it OK. I'd like to increase that daily number, but I also don't want to exhaust myself. Or maybe I'm just lazy and this is the plateau where I've decided to pitch my fitness tent. Don't worry, I know the latter is a terrible analogy.

Anyway, the results so far: 

Day 46 Accumulative Press-ups Total: 4530

Day 46 Weight: 12 stone 12 pounds

Day 46 Waist: 36 inches

Day 46 Chest: 41 Inches

The loss and gains so far are minuscule. But I'm also training BJJ and Hapkido so I am hoping muscles also replacing fat and that is why the weight has remained reasonably constant. I'm certainly eating enough fruit to single-handedly increase the share price in M&S at the moment. So at least they should be happy...

A Content Consumer Recommends...

Film

Jojo Rabbit: Gloriously funny and moving comedy-drama from New Zealand director Takia Waititi. Set at the end of World War Two, it follows a young German boy obsessed with the Nazi Party and Hitler. The latter also happens to be his imaginary friend (pictured above). The film follows the lad's adoption of Third Reich ideology and the eventual shattering of that way of thinking. Roman Griffin Davis is excellent as the lonely schoolboy, while Waititi has a blast playing the Austrian-born dictator. Sam Rockwell is also fabulous as the leader of the local branch of the Hitler Youth. I genuinely can't recall seeing a better film in a long time. It's an utter joy.

The Foreigner: Netflix movie starring Jackie Chan as a father out for revenge against the rogue cell of Irish terrorists who murdered his daughter. He becomes embroiled in a plot involving Pierce Brosnan's bloody bid to forward the peace process. A surprisingly good thriller.

Jumanji: The Next Level: Enjoyable sequel nonsense starring the Rock. It's by the numbers but it's good fun. And it has the Rock. But I may have mentioned that already.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker: This could be a long and over-wrought analysis of why it's not a good enough ending to something many folk my age have a massive emotional investment in. Instead, it's probably just about OK. It's much better if you don't go in there without your critical faculties engaged and, instead, you simply marvel at the set pieces and enjoy the nods to the previous movies. It does have a couple of great scenes and some good dialogue. But, frankly, it doesn't deliver or surprise or innovate.

TV
It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: Quite simply the best sitcom on TV. If you're in with the premise and the characters and their dark, anti-Friends world, it remains a thing of glorious brilliance. Highlights of Season 14 include the noir thriller pastiche The Janitor Always Mops Twice, the wonderfully astute The Gang Solves Global Warming and A Woman's Right to Chop, and the brilliant film focus group episode, Thunder Gun IV: Maximum Cool. I  fucking well adore this series. Please make season 15 soon. 

Broken: Netflix documentary series examining dodgy businesses around the globe and how their marketing arms and business practices make many of them morally bankrupt. A sometimes depressing, frightening but fascinating watch. Cosmetics, vaping and furniture are among the subjects examined.

Dracula: A hotly anticipated adaptation – of sorts – of the Bram Stoker novel from Mark Gatiss and Steven Moffat. I really liked the opening episode and the second episode was OK. But the third episode felt like a convoluted episode of Skins with the writers not quite knowing how to escape the clever story maze they'd got a bit lost in. 

The 120-press-ups-a-day Challenge: Part IV...

The good news is that I'm now racking up 150 press-ups a day. The bad news is that I've also watched a video teaching viewers the correct form and posture for press-ups. I haven't exactly been doing them incorrectly, but I also haven't been doing them to ensure I get the optimum benefit. 

So next week will see a bit of experimentation and refinement on how I deliver a better down and up motion. Make your own gags... 

Who'd have thought press-ups could be so complicated?

Anyway, the results so far: 
Day 24 Accumulative Press-ups Total: 2310

Day 24 Weight: 13 stone 2 pounds

Day 24 Waist: 36 inches

Day 24 Chest: 40 Inches

So no major changes. But I plan to keep going with this and I'll hopefully see some physical gains at some point. Probably...

The 120-press-ups-a-day Challenge: Part III...

Alongside trying to train BJJ and Hapkido, this press-up lark is very hard work. Whoever thought of doing if is clearly a fucking moron. Oh, hang on, it was me. Hating press-ups sees me in good company, though. 

There is footage of legendary grappler and 'Gracie Hunter' Kasushi Sakuraba (pictured above) training press-ups while he's preparing for a fight. Even he stops doing them and grabs a breather the moment his trainer's back is turned. 

Anyway, the results so far: 
Day 17 Accumulative Press-ups Total: 1560

Day 17 Weight: 13 stone 3 pounds

Day 17 Waist: 36 inches

Day 17 Chest: 40 Inches

So nothing on the physical front has really changed very much. It certainly has not made me more rugged and macho. 

On the plus side, my scales give me a weather report. It's going to rain. For most of the week. Fucking technology...

Dating Tips...

Don't tell your wife that you can imagine her happily butchering the carcasses of various breeds of livestock with a chainsaw on your 23rd anniversary meal. 

Apparently, it's not 'romantic'.

But women are funny like that...

The 120-press-ups-a-day Challenge: Part II...

It's Day 10, minus rest days at weekends so it's actually Day 8, and the challenge continues. 

The good news is that it's getting slightly easier. I've managed to hit the 40 consecutive press-ups mark without a break a couple of times and I manage at least one set of 30 consecutive press-ups each day. This means I'm usually breaking down 120 press-ups into five sets. That will improve next week when the plan is to do it in four sets before I increase the daily number the following week. 

I will crack the 100 consecutive press-ups threshold at some point this year! Unless the Missus tires of me heaving and gasping in the bedroom every morning. Apparently, this is not an attractive sight. I cannot imagine why. I always assumed me in my Deadpool boxer shorts would drive any laydeez wild.

Anyway, the results so far: 
Day 10 Accumulative Press-ups Total: 960

Day 10 Weight: 13 stone 3 pounds

Day 10 Waist: 36 inches

Day 10 Chest: 40 Inches

PS. The picture is of famed wrestler Frank Gotch. It is not of me. Just in case you thought it was. We are often mistaken for one another...

Malcolm and the Murder...

Here's a short play I wrote and directed in the summer for the 2019 Guildford Fringe Festival. I filmed it during one of the rehearsals and I finally got round to editing it together in December.

I'm planning on writing a 90-minute story, comprised of six 15-minute episodes, using the same three characters later this year. That is alongside a new stage play that explores the impact of dementia and the polarisation of Brexit, rewrites on an old stage play about grief, and a graphic novel about Dracula that I'm co-writing with a friend. It's all quite exciting.

If you can be bothered to watch this offering, I hope you enjoy it.

Quote of the Day...

Canadian darts player and three-times World Champion John Part was commentating on the recent PDC Darts World Championship final between eventual winner Peter Wright and Michael Van Gerwen, the dominant force in the game and perhaps one of the greatest sportsmen in the world at this present moment.

Part was discussing Wright's poor record in the finals of major tournaments against Van Gerwen and he came out with the following gem. To paraphrase it, he said that Wright's previous losses have given him so much scar tissue that he wasn’t afraid of being cut any more.

If you've done anything to any standard before, resilience training is part of your routine. You fuck up and you learn not to fuck up quite so badly the next time. 

Part's words sum up much of what I have learnt from playing pool, writing and martial arts: that failure is actually training to fail less badly the next time... and eventually succeed. 

Love John Part! 

Image: @DarthMaple180

The 120-press-ups-a-day Challenge: Part I...

A new thing I am doing in the lead-up to my first BJJ tournament of the year, which is towards the back end of February, is trying to add muscle to my frame. I've never been particularly muscular, despite doing gyms and weights, so this is a new bid to add mass. 

The main reason for doing this is to protect myself by adding padding, which should help my body avoid injury. It should also give me extra strength, too, which is a nice additional benefit. 

Anyway, above is a picture of me post-Xmas and below are my measurements, so I can keep track of where I am and what I look like. 

Day 1 Accumulative Press-ups Total: 120

Day 1 Weight: 13 stone 6 pounds

Day 1 Waist: 37 inches

Day 1 Chest: 40 Inches

I will be an Adonis. Like Steve Beaton. Probably...