Lockdown news: Part XXII...

My lowest moment during lockdown? Today I was reduced to eating cooking chocolate because it's all we had in the house. 

The utter shame of consuming such buttery sweet goodness haunts me – and delights me – still...

Lockdown News: Part XXI...

Some advice for those negotiating the sometimes delicate intricacies of advancing the case for love-making while your partner is scrolling through messages in bed on a morning.

Avoid saying the following as an opening gambit: 

"Get off your phone, it's time to moan."

It is not considered appropriate to enhancing mood. Apparently. Even when it's obviously said as an 'it's-so-crass-it's-funny' thing.

Happy New Year!

Hurray! It looks like 2020 is over! Thank fuck for that. The only person who's probably seen the global pandemic as a good thing is Prince Andrew. It means he's had an excuse not to visit America and answer those 'awkward' questions about his dead rich chum with a thing for young girls. 

There are quite a lot of Tories and friends of Tory MPs who have also enjoyed a bumper year thanks to Covid-19. They've mysteriously managed to secure million-pound contracts thanks to a scrutiny-free procurement processes that would shame most corrupt dictatorships. Well done all. The UK is indeed a land of opportunity. Particularly if your privilege, wealth or inherited position gives you access to the right friendship groups and circles within circles. 

For the rest of us, however, it's been a pretty grim 10 months. It's been even worse than grim if you've lost loved ones or your job hasn't been protected. I offer you my sympathy if that is you.

Here are some personal reflections on a year that pretty much everyone wants to forget...

The worst Government at the worst time

The list of Government failures and lies and doubling down on lies is spectacular in its scale. Clearly out of their depth, the Johnson Government refused to demonstrate any form of cogent leadership from the beginning of this pandemic. The fact they then failed to learn from their mistakes and continued to act too late and ignore the science helps explain why the UK is in the mess it's in. 

Even today, despite SAGE telling them they should not be sending kids back to primary schools, they are sowing confusion by questioning the science when the SAGE message is crystal clear. 

Their incompetence when it comes to basic project management and clear messaging throughout this pandemic is criminally negligent. If I performed that badly in any job, I'd expect to be sacked. 

Goodbye Europe

The UK leaving Europe was a strangely emotional day for me. It made me furious and incredibly sad. Overnight, Great Britain became Lesser Britain with a weaker trading position, while Europe announced a huge trade deal with China. 

The UK essentially ended up here because a bunch of right-wing sociopaths convinced large swathes of the population that they didn't have jobs because of the immigrant influx into this country – rather than the fact that the aforementioned right-wing sociopaths had trashed the economy with casino-style banking and toxic fiscal policies such as austerity.

All Remainers failed every young person in the UK by not winning this fight. We've lost so much and even if the Government's most generous fiscal forecasts are true, the economy is going to lose a lot more. And that's before we look at lost opportunities for young people, the loss of co-operation on international security, education, investment, collaborative projects and services. The latter is particularly important as services provide a huge chunk of the UK economy. And guess what wasn't protected during negotiations? I feel sick.

Writing equals sanity 

Writing has always been my way of making sense of the world, so a month off work on furlough saw me get productive and write the first draft of a new play. I'm quite pleased with it, even if the end needs a lot of work. It's called Plague and it's about an ambitious local councillor from a town in East Yorkshire who wants to stage a community play. But the story the playwright unearths threatens to expose the town's dark past.

It has two timelines: one set in 1986, when the play is going to be staged; and the other set in 1665, the plague year when the play is set. It also presents the idea of contagion and canker as a physical disease and as moral and political corruption. Wonder where I got that idea?

Training news 

I started the year off by competing at a BJJ tournament and getting my arse well and truly kicked. The rest of the year has seen me train lots in isolation, with online classes thrown into the mix, too. 

I never thought martial arts would become another path to sanity. But it absolutely has and I've never appreciated the discipline it instills or the sense of togetherness it brings more than in 2020. If you don't train in a martial art and you need something to help you out during lockdown, I'd absolutely recommend starting. It's never too late. 

People power 

I've always been blessed with the best of friends. Working in journalism, playing pool, training martial arts and writing have given me several families at different points in my life when I'm geographically removed from my own clan in Yorkshire. 

Their support has been hugely important this year. I like to think I'm reasonably self-contained, but even I've felt dark days in the past 10 months. Obviously, I don't mean really dark days. I'd never seek to suggest I have the type of serious mental health problems that affect others. But if I've felt it, then I can only sympathise with how it has affected others who face these types of issues. 

It's an oft-quoted line, but friends are the family you choose. And I've been lucky enough to have people in my life who have let me choose them as my family. My love to you all.

Learning power 

My wife, my stepson and his girlfriend remain a constant source of inspiration for me. My uber-talented potter wife has been throwing some very cool stuff and she's starting to get it out there and sell it. My stepson and his girlfriend are comic creators who continue to find and refine ways to create and publish and sell their work. I was once like them. I had that fire. I need to rediscover that drive in 2021. I can learn from them in that respect.

I also landed a new job and it's made me rediscover the joys of learning as I've had to get myself up to speed with lots of science and engineering disciplines. This has reawakened my desire to learn again. It's also made me appreciate what science is and how it operates. 

Anyway, at 51 I'm learning new things and I need to relearn old things. This is exciting. 

Hope 

Things may seem bleak at the moment. We have the worst Government at the worst time and we seem to be in the grip of a bunch of vicious Little Englanders who have enabled vile prejudices and views to gain currency. Racism has been emboldened. But we've been here before. I remember the 1980s when everyone was either with the government and its series of vicious policies or they were portrayed as 'the enemy within'. 

We see a similar narrative play out now. Teachers or NHS staff who question the Government's pandemic response aren't getting behind the national effort enough. Anyone who asks questions that challenge Government dogma and lies about Brexit are somehow unpatriotic and not getting behind Britain and should silence their inquiries.

Not that their are many inquiries in the mainstream media. Apart from a few notable exceptions – The Guardian, Piers Morgan, The Mirror, Novara Media, Channel 4 News – we now seem to have a compliant media that doesn't even challenge basic lies. 

I have hope, though. Some of that hope lies with the next generation who have become politicised through groups such as Extinction Rebellion and Black Lives Matter. They understand that it takes more than hitting a 'Like' button on Facebook to make meaningful change. In the absence of meaningful debate, I hope activism is back to stay.

Lockdown News: Part XX...

It's been an odd year so far, with the Missus having just me for company for most of the time. I have a lot of pity for her over this because I realise my constant optimism and kneejerk reaction to reach for the gag in any situation can at times be a bit wearing. 

So we are in bed and I decide to be quite serious for a moment and I repeat an oft-used line. Nevertheless, the words contain a sentiment I genuinely mean:

'The best bits of my day are going to sleep wrapped around you and waking up curled up to you. As long as those things bookend my days, I can cope with anything. I love you.'

The Missus looks at me and ponders for a moment, before replying.

'I love crisps.'

Romance is alive and well at Brooks Towers.

New Cummings Dictionary: Part III...

An attempt to pin down words with their new meanings as suggested by current Government behaviours:

Scum: An innocuous-looking gathering of dangerous detritous that floats to the top and threatens to poison the entire eco-system beneath it.

Lockdown News: Part XIX…

When I was younger and more radical, I used to think the only good Tory was a dead one. I've softened since then, and I've read about ones I begrudgingly admired and I've met a few I've genuinely liked.

But this current lot are the most corrupt, talentless, vicious and compassion-free bunch of cunts I've ever seen in UK Government. I could probably forgive some of those failings if they had some basic project management competencies when it came to dealing with the current pandemic. But they are so out of their depth, it's genuinely terrifying.

And now they've decided to vote against providing basic food for impoverished and in-need children.

Sadly, this level of contempt and cruelty has been a direction of travel over the last decade and a bit. I genuinely pity anyone, such as the Red Wall constituents, who voted for them expecting the best and now witnessing this.

You hear that? Things are so bad I pity Tory voters. You genuinely can't want this.

Beer Review: Wylam Machiatto and Hazelnut Porter...

It has more depth than a Leonard Cohen song about love and loss, it's luxurious without being decadent, and it possesses a roundness of taste that just keeps going. 

Expert summary: It is eminently drinkable and an utter joy: like a warm cuddle under a comfortable blanket in front of a dwindling fire on a cold winter night. 

Definitely a new entry in my top five stouts/porters. 

A Working Life: Part II...

I have won an award at work. It is not a major accolade, but it's a nice acknowledgement that I'm putting the hours in, doing some good stuff and generally not being a horrendous twat to work alongside. Some people even said nice things. 

Sadly, I missed these comments as I'd jumped into another virtual meeting at the time to check out some bits on a story I was writing.

I told the Other Woman about the win and she suggested it was a prize for World's Biggest Idiot. I countered by saying it was actually an award for Hottest Man on Campus. She suggested that may be a lie. I said the jury was clearly still deliberating. Things descended from there on in...

But after leaving one toxic employment environment and briefly ending up in another, it's genuinely nice to be settling into a new job with good people who are supportive and have a good game rather than just talk one. I'm also having to quickly up my knowledge on science and technology, which is great because it means I'm having to amass data on several whole new areas very quickly and I bloody love learning. 

These include: physics, chemistry, engineering, nanotechnology, 5G communications, space science, astronomy, sustainability, civil engineering, ion beam analysis and computer science.

It's basically like going back to school, but this time I have a couple of learning specialisms (journalism, martial arts, pool, writing) that I've spent time on. That means I have the mental scaffolding in place that I can use to build new information structures around. 

To quote Mayamoto Musashi, 'From one thing, know ten thousand things.' 

Anyway, me and the Missus decided to rip it up and celebrate the success big-style with a couple of pints and a bag of crisps. We are very rock and roll.

A Working Life: Part I...

I've been blessed to have some very cool journalist jobs in my life and I've interviewed many equally cool people. My Tech Virgin column for Metro, though, ranks as one of the most enjoyable gigs of my career.

Thanks to a supportive editor, I basically call in tech, test it and write about the experience. This means I've played with shitloads of cool bits of kit. I've even got to keep some of it.

I'm currently researching two columns, one of music tech and the other on space tech. Speaking to Lego about something for one of these columns got me chatting about something else. The result was the above little beauty arrived in the post today.

Super Mario Lego may be one of the retro fabbest things ever. I appreciate I am a 51-year-old man and this product is for ages six and above. But it's well dope! For older people, that means it's very good.

The Missus looked at it, noticed the age range and asked me if I needed adult supervision while building it. I think that was sarcasm.

But I've got free Lego. So I don't care.

New Cummings Dictionary: Part II...

An attempt to pin down words with their new meanings as suggested by current Government behaviours:

Oven-ready: In no way sufficiently prepared for immediate use and still in need of massive amounts of work.

Resign: To remain in place, despite calls for immediate removal. Anecdotal evidence suggests users of the Cummings Dictionary often confuse 'resign' with the word, 're-sign', which means to be invited to remain an active player. Despite nobody wanting you to.

Lockdown News: Part XVIII...

It's difficult to list all the things the current Government have fucked up. It's like some dark dystopian satire where you think things have hit rock bottom, then you realise they've found a way to keep digging. While spitting at poor people. 

Here are some lowlights in case you've missed them: 

* Worst death rate in Europe 

* Infected patients shipped into care homes 

* Justice system undermined 

* World-beating track and trace system costing millions, awarded to company with Government links and a massive failure

* Millions spunked on red tape in a Brexit they largely engineered 

* Multi-million-pound PPE contracts awarded to shady companies in bizarre back alley deals with no scrutiny 

* Lack of clear messaging on lockdown rules 

* School returns utterly botched 

* Predicted worst recession in Europe en route 

And these are just the ones I can remember off the top of my head. Their latest catastrophe, however, is A Level results. In a piece of social engineering that would win applause from right-wing eugenicists, the algorithm the Government has used to predict A Level results disadvantages pupils from large, state schools and rewards those at private schools.

For those interested in statistics and fact rather than opinion and conjecture, the grade inflation at private schools increasing A to A* was 4.7%. In state sixth forms and FE colleges, the same statistic was 0.3%. And this is just at the top end of the marking system.

Nearly 40% of students have been marked down one grade if they were predicted to get grades ranging from B-D.

I spent Thursday working at a clearing call centre for a university and the amount of gutted students I talked to who were predicted to easily hit their entry grades but were downgraded on results day was heartbreaking.

The day, however, was not without its beautiful moment. The Education Secretary, Gavin Williamson, was quoted as saying: 'The danger is that pupils will be over-promoted into jobs that are beyond their competence.' From a man in the same Cabinet as Priti Patel, Chris Grayling, Matt Hancock, Liz Truss and the laziest and most incompetent Prime Minister in history, Boris Johnson.

Sadly, he didn't actually say this. But Priti Patel did demand that France take back refuges landing in Kent. If we were still in the EU, they'd have to. But guess what? We're not. She probably didn't think it through...

Still we have asylum seekers to throw back in the English Channel and distract us while the Government moves onto he next fuck-up. 

On the plus side, this A Level shit show means Chris Grayling is no longer the most incompetent member of his party. So he's probably delighted.

New Cummings Dictionary: Part I...

An attempt to pin down words with their new meanings as suggested by current Government behaviours:

Expert: A cut-throat and brigand who unscrupulously uses the cloak of education and science-tested knowledge to deceive those who present opinion and anecdote as fact.

Robust: An utter shambles of heart-breaking proportions, which will require an instant u-turn to reverse imminent disaster.

World beating: a performance that is abjectly appalling when measured by any credible metric, which often leads to tragic consequences.

Lockdown News: Part XVII....

I didn't think the day could get much weirder with Chris Gayling failing at another job, then reading about a church of fundamentalist nutcases offering conversion therapy in Shalford Village Hall. 

Then I spotted a neighbour openly watching porn on his TV. A brave move considering he has at least a 60 incher...

Lockdown News: Part XVI...

I wrote the below piece when the real story behind the Government's 'protective ring' around care homes was just being exposed in early July. But I forgot to post it.

I don’t expect any government or institution to get everything right in a pandemic. Not straight away.

But the UK Government have consistently ignored the science when it doesn’t suit the herd immunity policy they seem set on delivering. They also ignored the experience of other countries, which we had the benefit of and we could have acted upon given the timeframe of the disease spread in the early stages. But this failure has been well documented.

The worst thing now, however, is that they haven’t learnt.

The UK is slowly opening up for business with an 'R' rate still hovering close to 1 and one localised infection spike already forcing part of Leicester back into lockdown. Several SAGE committee members warned against opening up too soon. I genuinely hope we avoid a second wave, but I fear it’s likely. Or this re-opening of the UK will just ensure the first wave keeps on going, which is a novel response to disease management. But it seems to be what they’ve opted for.

The over-arching media policy during this pandemic seems to be Lie, Obfuscate, Confuse the Narrative, Double Down on the Lie, Obfuscate, Repeat. It’s straight out of the Steve Bannon and Roger Stone playbook.

An example of this is the ‘protective ring’ they claimed to throw around care homes. It was non-existent. But they pretended there was one. The result was that 25,000 untested people who couldn't be treated by an under-resourced NHS were discharged into care home, meaning the infected went on to infect other residents. Even worse, the Government are now trying to shift the blame onto under-resourced and under-paid care home staff. 

As The Guardian reported, this prompted an explosion from Mark Adams, the chief executive of leading social care charity Community Integrated Care: 'We’re almost entering an… alternative reality where the Government set the rules, we follow them and they don’t like the results and they then deny setting the rules and blame the people that were trying to do their best.'

If the Government have thrown a protective ring around care homes with the same speed that they threw one around Durham sight-tester Dominic Cummings and Clearly Corrupt Minister of Backhanders Robert Jenrick, then we may well have fewer grieving families. 

But they didn’t. They can own that.

This blaming of other people is shameful. It’s the despicable tactic of a failing coward of a Prime Minister and his minions who hope they can make people look the other way by scapegoating somebody else. But the Government have done it elsewhere. At various times, they've also tried to blame NHS staff for over-using PPE, the NHS, the WHO, teachers, trade unions, scientific advice, young people and Public Health England. 

It's shameful. But it's also part of an ongoing list of horrors. I'm old enough to remember when we were promised a world-beating test, track and trace app, I'm old enough to remember when the Government decided to stop publishing figures on the number of people tested because it was clearly an embarrassment, I'm old enough to remember when a Government Minister thought taking the knee was from Game of Thrones.

Naturally, it's the most vulnerable people who are taking the biggest hit. The old, the poor and members of the BAME community are among those hardest hit by this disease. But after 11 years of austerity, it's hardy surprising because these are among the most vulnerable people in society and all Covid-19 has really done is to expose those inequalities that austerity has wreaked,. 

As I said earlier, i don't expect any Government to have got everything right when handling a pandemic of this scale. But I expect some honesty, some humility and some consideration.

And this lot have none. 

Beer Review: Filthy Animal...

This imperial stout is an 8.6 per-cent-er. The chili kick gives it a pleasant warm end note. I may well buy this again as a cheery treat on a cold day.

 

Expert summary: It's like slightly drunk lover giving you an unsophisticated kiss with the promise of more to come when you are a bit down and also a bit pissed. It's warm and welcoming.

Lockdown News: Part XV...

I just woke up and remembered that thought vacuum Liz Truss is an actual Government Minister. 

I am going back to bed until this bullshit is over.

Lockdown News: Part XIV...

Boris Johnson has visited Goole and posited the theory that the negligence of care home staff is somehow to blame for the UK's world-beating Covid-19 death rate. 

 

To quote my Uncle Keith, 'He really is lower than a rattlesnake's belly.'

Lockdown News: Part XIII...

My latest entry in Husband-Wanting-Pat-On-Head-For-Doing-Things-A-Child-Knows Award.

Lockdown News: Part XII...

Today I have the utterly blissful feeling of achievement you get when finishing a new play. That this could be the breakthrough, the one that finally lands…

Tomorrow begins the slow process of rereading, editing and rewriting, dismantling and reassembling, frustration and annoyance that none of it makes sense, and nagging doubt that it isn’t very good.

But today is not tomorrow yet…

Lockdown News: Part XI...

As a professional journalist and writer, I am enjoying my new Twitter-bot-created status of #ScumMedia. 

I genuinely love the idea that to dismiss any criticism of HM Government, the entire media is being largely carpet-bombed by Tory bots on Twitter. North Korean news managers would be ashamed of this behaviour. 

I, on the other hand, am thinking about getting t-shirts printed. As #ScumMedia myself, I am proud to support other #ScumMedia such as The Guardian, The Mirror, The Sunday Times, The Daily Star, Owen Jones, Ash Sarker and Emily Maitlis. All of these have used facts to let the Johnson administration's recent record speak for itself.

If you are fellow #ScumMedia, stand up and be proud! 

PS. Here's a link to an analysis of where the majority of these tweets are coming from.