Tech Virgin... Tries Vlogging! Part II...

So here it is. Warts and all. And there are quite a lot of production, presentation and knowledge warts on display. 

What can I say? I'm not very good at it and I panic in front of a camera. But it was my first attempt. And this opening try lasted miles longer than my first attempt at sex...

Tech Virgin... Tries Vlogging! Part I...

I have just completed a Tech Virgin column on vlogging. So to accompany the written piece, I attempted to create a vlog and edit it.

It's pretty basic and it's miles too long, but I may well do a few more to get my skills up to scratch. I find the filming and appearing in front of a camera bit of it quite odd. Sadly, I have a face for radio and a voice only a hard-of-hearing mother could love. But I like the editing and putting the thing together process. 

Also, when I eventually do post it, please don't be scared or intimidated by the technical terms such as 'the pressy go button'.

Back on the Mats

It's been a largely frustrating past three months on the martial arts training front. I've kept in touch with some form of light hapkido training and I've also done some boxing and some sparring drills, but BJJ has been a non-starter. A dodgy fall at hapkido saw a neck and shoulder injury, then another incident saw me tear some intercostal muscles. 

This meant I also missed a hapkido grading I was aiming to attend, which would have put me a step closer to my second dan grading, and it also meant a chance to compete at BJJ was not happening. 

This week, however, I have finally completed the triumvirate of hapkido, boxing and BJJ, and my body doesn't seem to be in too much agony, This is hopeful as it suggests I'll be back in full training mode within a few weeks as long as I don't do anything too stupid or push my body to quickly. 

At BJJ, I also did some no-gi with a very helpful and lightning fast no-gi competitor. If I end up not working in London next year, I'll be moving my BJJ training to a gym nearer home. I am also planning on doing no-gi instead of gi for a while, so it was good to have a chance to do some of it.

Goodbye Buffy...

Fluffy Buffy came into our lives in April 2001. We got her and her mum, Large Marge, from a cat rescue home in London and they rapidly became part of the family. 

Marge, sadly, died six years later. Buffy, however, thrived and has been with us ever since. Until a few days ago. 

There had been lots of deliveries and pick-ups from the house, so we didn't see much of her. But that wasn't unusual. She had morphed from a killer and a hunter into a gentle and sensitive cat. In the last five years, she'd often spend large amounts of time curled up in the house in the quietest place she could find. This usually meant sleeping on or under our bed. She'd also sleep with us during the night. It was cute. How we adored that cat. 

We'd seen less of her over the last week or so, but we put that down to her hiding from the various deliveries. We had still seen her, though, and she was eating. Then a few days ago, her health basically dropped off a cliff. She curled up in my office for a day or so and she wouldn't interact. The next day we saw her outside and her back legs buckled and we took her to the vets. 

The upshot was that she couldn't be saved, despite the best efforts of the vet and her team. So we put her to sleep. I've been through the process of Kitty Dignitas with two old and ill cats and one seriously injured cat. And it remains awful.

I will miss her terribly. Rest in peace, Buffy. You were one much-loved cat.

On Writing and Martial Arts...

The two rehearsed readings of The Selkie are done and dusted and I am now in rewrite mode for two weeks. Then I will put the script away for a few months as I embark on a new project and come back to it in the new year.

Writing as a discipline is like any other discipline and I think the links between writing and martial arts training are very strong.

The most important thing at both is that you have to put the hours in and actually do it. 

Work pressures pre-redundancy prevented me from writing for large parts of the year. When redundancy happened, though, my writing discipline kicked in and I got through the first draft of the play very quickly. I did lots then and I will continue to write lots going forward. I may not get this time again and I have to ensure it is not frittered away.

Ironically, when redundancy happened, I had extra time to train, too. This was exciting. Then a bad fall at hapkido and torn intercostal muscles further down the road meant I couldn't train much hapkido or boxing and BJJ was a non-starter. Thankfully, my body seems to be back up and running, so I'll be returning to the BJJ and hapkido mats proper next week. I am delighted about this as I need to get back to training. I need do it properly again.

But 'properly' has different meanings for different people. For me, it means training three to four times a week at most. To be honest, my body can't take much more than that. But martial arts has always been a recreational thing for me and, even though I have competed a bit, it's always been about the training, overcoming problems and celebrating the slight improvements. 

It's a similar thing with writing. The slight improvements and overcoming problems are the things that make you better and the reason you put the work in. I've been a professional journalist for 29 years and a sometimes decent playwright for some of that time. I can do character and dialogue. But understanding things like structure, balance, momentum and plot are areas where I think I have got better and have made continual improvements. Structure, balance and momentum are also cornerstone tenets of many martial arts. 

The Selkie represents an advance for my writing because I've taken lots of previous lessons onboard and, while it is by no means an unflawed piece of work, I can see the bits where it flies. But I can also see the holes and it's sorting those out that is the next step. 

And that remains the same with my hapkido and, when I get back to it, my BJJ. I know where I'm OK at both of these things. But I know where the massive holes are and my martial arts journey and my writing journey will be about trying to fill some of them in. 

I don't think that makes me sound like too much of a twat. But it may do.

Redundancy: Part III...

With draft one of The Selkie now in a decent place and the two rehearsed readings in the bag, I am about to turn my attention to my second writing project of a planned three before the end of the year.

This is a graphic novel based on a friend's idea involving Count Dracula. I can't give too many details away at the moment, but he's doing the art and I'm co-writing the script with him.

We've already storylined most of the first book, which we are hoping will be an ongoing series. And get picked up by Netflix. And make us loads of money. With critical success. And a thriving merchandising arm.

We're also getting to grips with how to format and write a graphic novel script. This is an entirely new skill set for both of us. But as we're both massive comics fans, we should be able to turn our comic consumer heads into comic creator heads.

It's going to be hard work but it will also be a lot of fun. I am bigly looking forward to this...

Redundancy: Part II...

When I realised that redundancy was not a vague possibility but a distinct probability, which not surprisingly was about the same time the people in charge of the magazine where I worked changed its frequency, I took some steps to put a few things in motion. And the first of these was to organise a play reading for the end of the year. 

There were two ideas behind this. 

The first was that it would get me writing my own work again. I had written nothing new for about 18 months and this was largely due to the demands of the day job. But I knew I had to create time to get back into the swing of things, so I gave myself the very real deadline of writing a new play for an advertised rehearsed reading with paying punters.

The second idea was that if I was serious about eventually securing work writing for the TV soaps I loved, then I had to have a new script that could act as a calling card. So my new play, The Selkie, is a bit domestic in setting and quite simple in plot. But I am hoping it also showcases my love of strong dialogue and an ability to write sympathetic characters. 

The first rehearsal is now in three days time and I have just completed the first draft of the script. Then I have another rehearsal a week later. Three days after that, the play gets the first of its two public outings before a paying audience.

I am both excited by this prospect and slightly terrified. I have time to tidy the script up before the opening rehearsal, then I have an additional week to take in any major edits the first rehearsal throws up.

It's great to finish the first draft of something new again. But I'm also aware the real work is about to begin...

On the plus side, I have no job to distract my attention and sap my energy.

Redundancy: Part I...

So. I am now unemployed after being made redundant about seven weeks ago. I am both heartbroken and delighted by this sudden turn of events. 

I am heartbroken because the magazine I have worked on, which me and my team had given about another 18 months of shelf life to by increasing its sales last year, has been closed. We were successful as a fortnightly title and in rude health after the sales increases. Then a decision was made above our heads to change its frequency to a weekly one... and sales plummeted, leading to its eventual closure. 

Result: I was offered redundancy and I took it. 

I'll miss the people because I've worked at the company for 22 years and I have a couple of very close friends there. I'll still see them, though. I'll miss the salary, too, because there's no guarantee that I'll ever earn that amount again. 

But the company has become so badly managed that reckless decisions like the one taken on the magazine I edited were allowed to be made with no scrutiny or accountability. Staff morale has also fallen so low that it's now a truly toxic environment to work in. 

To add insult to injury, there are not enough staff and the ones that are left are doing far too much work. A lot of the good ones simply want to go. I hope they get their wish. Staying there is damaging them and you can see how the increased workload is affecting people.

I am delighted to be out of that. I escaped with redundancy and that gives me and the Missus options. Not having my working week structured by those hours, routines and pressures is going to take some getting used to. But it's such a massive relief. Working there had made me ill. If I'd have stayed, it would have made me much worse. 

But onwards and upwards and time to plan a new life. 

Step one is to put some new short-term structures in place so I can write my own stuff until the end of the year. Consequently, I now have writing blocks planned in on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I also train on these days, too, so I should be able to do BJJ on Monday and Friday, and double bank hapkido on Wednesday. Then Tuesday is date day with the Missus and Thursday is flexible. And weekends are party time. 

For step two, we've made some longer-term plans, The Missus wants to pot and do some sort of ceramics placement, and I want to eventually write for one of the big soaps. So we are sussing out how to make these things happen. We're planning a fuck-off adventure at some point next year, too. 

If a new job falls into my lap, I may take it. But I am in no rush. I certainly won't go back into an environment like the one I have just left, though. Redundancy has given me time and options, and I need to make sure I take the chance to fully explore them.

At 49, I have the time and money to reboot everything. And I intend to have a bloody good go at doing exactly that. And, if I fail, I'm a really good chief sub and writer. I can pull a cracking pint as well...

The England Football Team: Some Thoughts...

The England Football Team 2018: 

a group of individuals who work together as a team in pursuit of a common goal; 
a team who have worked together under clear management guidelines for a purpose they all believe in; 
a group of individuals who unite and sacrifice their own instincts to be better than the sum of their parts; 
a group of individuals who bring pride to a nation who had pretty much given up hope on making any impact on the international stage.

The Tory Government 2018: 

a self-serving group of individuals who refuse to work together as a team in pursuit of a common goal; 

a self-serving group of individuals with no clear management or united purpose; 

a self-serving group of individuals who refuse to unite to be better than the sum of their parts; 

a self-serving group of individuals who bring more despair to a nation who had pretty much given up hope on making any impact on the international stage. 

Key lesson: Come on, England! Fuck off Tories!

The Selkie...

Things have been dreadful at work. So bad in fact that I had to take a few weeks off with stress. I'd basically been running on little more than fumes for a couple of months and it was taking its toll. The speed with which the doctor signed me was a joy to behold after I'd listed the reasons for feeling exhausted and stressed. All of it was work-related and getting out of that corporate apocalypse for a couple of weeks was desperately needed.

And I did bugger all. OK. I didn't exactly do bugger all: I spent time with the Missus, I returned to hapkido training, I arranged a reading of a new play, which I started work on, and I planned a comic, which I started writing. I also returned to BJJ training.

It was all stuff I should have been able to do alongside work, but I simply couldn't do because the job had become all-demanding. I am furious with the place I work for taking so little care of me and for demonstrating what I can only call a virtually criminal lack of duty of care.

But I am also a little bit annoyed with myself. I should have stopped working those hours a long time ago and thrown the ridiculous and ever-increasing demands of the job back at them. But I didn't. My sense of professionalism was exploited. I won't make the same error again, though. I feel like I am through it now.

Having a new play to write, which is currently titled The Selkie, is always energising because it means I have an idea I am excited about and I have a bit of fire back. It's the same with the comic idea. I've planned to write a comic for about three decades but I never got round to it. But seeing the Boy write and publish his comic, then get it stocked in comic shops and take it around comic cons has really kicked my arse into gear on this. A boozy night out with a pal of the Missus and her fella also suddenly made this scheme a reality.

It feels like there is some light at the end of particularly tiring and not-very-creative-tunnel. I feel like I have finally kicked in again. If I get stressed at work again, I'll now just see the doctor again and get signed off for a month or two. Fuck 'em. They don't deserve to have people as good as me working there.

This realisation and change of focus is good. Because, frankly, I've been a right miserable cunt.

The Best Joke in the World (About The Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick)...

Here is my first attempt at writing the best joke in the world about the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick. I will be coming back to this and refining it in the coming weeks.

The thing about the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick is that real pencil enthusiasts who want to visit a pencil museum already know of its existence. So they will visit the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick, often with flagrantly gay abandon, because they are familiar with its location and with the many pencil-related treats it has to explore. In short, the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick offers a fascinating day out for in-the-know pencil enthusiasts.

One problem with the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick, however, is that non-pencil enthusiasts who may be pencil-curious and want to visit a pencil museum may not know about the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick. So they will be unable to visit the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick as they are not familiar with its location.

A solution to this pencil-based problem does exist, though.

Real pencil enthusiasts who want to visit the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick and already know about its existence could offer to show non-pencil enthusiasts who want to visit a pencil museum where the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick actually is. They could even offer to meet with them in a mutually convenient location, then show them the general direction they need to travel.

This way, the non-pencil enthusiasts who wanted to visit the Derwent Pencil Museum in Keswick would be lead.

Danger Signs...

I have broken a toe at BJJ. Consequently, I am not training. At anything. Instead, I am eating and drinking. While I love both eating and drinking, it seems that doing quite a lot of this with no exercise is seeing me pile weight on. 

I have been comfort-eatng for a while now, but training has ensured I've stayed around 13 and a half stone, which is about where I live. But I am now up to 14 stone, so I figure I need to get busy or I won't hit the 12.12 stone fighting weight deadline for my first BJJ tournament of the year in July. I should be fine with this and I know it's no big drama. I've been injured before and I've put weight on before. I will heal up, then sort it out. 

I am more concerned with the fact that this usually minor thing and a combination of work stress is making me feel a bit sorry for myself, and I fear I am turning into a whining cock-nob. I basically need to get a grip.

Speaking of which... 

I had a dream last week that me and the Missus were walking down the high street and I had an erection, so I subtly adjusted myself in my jeans and carried on walking. Then an elderly male relative approached me and cupped my genitals with an 'Um' sound, then worked his way up the rest of my cock with an 'Hmm!' noise. He then smiled a creepy smile and walked off

This was a slightly freaky dream to say the least. I told the Missus, the Other Woman and my Hippy Work Colleague. Both looked slightly shocked, then burst out laughing. To be perfectly honest, I was expecting a more sympathetic response.

WCF...

It is Friday night and I am sat on a train drinking beer. This is not normal, but my already-mega-stressed situation at work is deteriorating faster than the credibility of Kat Moon's return storyline in EastEnders. For non-soap folk, that is very fucking quickly indeed.

On the plus side, redundancy may be winking a cheeky eye in my direction. I discussed this with the Missus and she said something quite beautiful and affectionate. Yes. I was stunned, too.

'If redundancy if offered, you have to take it. I want my husband back. We can have adventures,' she mused.

This, among other things, made me realise I have been a WCF (World Class Fuckwit) trying to repair the damage the current rulers of my work world have inflicted on me and everyone else. Napoleon once said:' Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.'

If anything, I need to encourage this lot in their delusions. I will be out of there much quicker. And then I can have adventures with woman I love. That will be a win. And one worth having, too

Jonathan Pie: Back to the Studio...

I was a relatively late arrival at the Jonathan Pie party, but he remains one of the current joys of my life. 

For those not familiar with Pie, he's a comedy character created by actor and comedian Tom Walker. The premise is that Pie is a political reporter who engages in foul-mouthed, off-camera rants to his never-seen producer, Tim, about the news he is covering. 

Pie's weekly bite-sized reports have been going up on YouTube for just over two years now, and Walker and co-writer Andrew Doyle have crafted some beautifully written stuff. 

Walker is excellent as his disillusioned reporter alter-ego, a man who is both bamboozled by the stories he is expected to report on and constantly frustrated by the constrained narratives his reports are expected to follow.

The major development in the Pie world over the past 12 months was the announcement of a live tour, so the Missus booked us tickets and we headed off to see the show last night. I was particularly intrigued to see how they'd extend the structure of Pie's explosive and curse-filled three-minute off-camera YouTube segments into an hour-long show.

The night kicked off with the wonderful Zoe Lyons doing a 20-minute support slot. I like Lyons: she's funny, engaging, self-deprecating and smart. I've seen her a few times and she's always good value. 

After a quick break, it was time for Pie. 

The premise of the stand-up show was that Pie was trialling a TV format in front of a live studio audience, with a couple of TV producers in to hopefully sign up the show. This structure gave Pie the chance to rip into his usual targets, such as the Tories, the plague of ills surrounding social media and its influence on many of its users, Donald Trump, the curtailing of freedom of speech and debate, etc. These included some OTT Day Today style graphics, too.

The TV format trial inevitably ended with chaos and failure, and an exceptional Pie rant that was at least a ten on the fuck-off-ometer. It was excellent. 

There are many reasons to adore Jonathan Pie. Cynical and furious a comic creation he may be, but I can't think of a more perfect guide to navigate confused users through the current quagmire of political double-speak and obfuscation. He feels quite necessary because he offers a course through the madness of a world where value systems seem to be have been turned upside-down, where a celebrity comment on Twitter can trump a genuine story affecting millions. 

I am also in total agreement with his view that we are losing the ability to discuss and debate, and alternative views are effectively in danger of being censored by the 'right' of people to be offended. It is bizarre that a country that helped defeat such extremism in World War Two is now seeing many of those freedoms that it fought under threat by a liberal consensus that seems determined to curtail freedom of expression. 

On a final note, as a wannabe comedy writer, I love Pie because the team behind him has shown a path to getting work out there. Pie built up a following on YouTube by creating an entertaining and thought-provoking product that has now found a new life as a stage show. It's a model to borrow and one I should adopt for a few things I have in mind. 

I love Pie. He's on YouTube and he's still touring this show. Watch, enjoy and digest...

Chewing Gum...

Me and the Missus are glutting on online TV boxsets at the moment and we've devoured lots of stuff, with a few standouts that are worth a mention. These are: 

Chewing Gum

I'm a latecomer to the two series of this comedy, which is set on a housing estate in Tower Hamlets and follows the misadventures of Tracey Gordon, a goofy twentysomething who's desperate to lose her virginity. She also has to negotiate a fervently religious family, an in-denial gay boyfriend, and a chaotic but loving selection of friends. 

Written by and starring Michaela Coel, who also plays Tracey, it's by turns laugh-out-loud funny and gross-out vulgar, but it's also very engaging and beguilingly touching. You genuinely end up giving a shit about most of the characters in it. It's wonderful and, at the end, is amazingly life-affirming. Coel is astonishingly good and astonishingly talented. 

Damned

The second series of this sitcom is currently airing on Channel 4, so we watched the first and it's excellent. The series, written by Jo Brand and Morwenna Banks, follows a team of social workers in a child services department. It's full of great one-liners and it's very bleak and gallows-style humour. Brand also stars alongside Alan Davies, Izy Sutie and Himesh Patel. It's very good and very funny. 

Martial Arts Masters...

I recently attended a BJJ seminar with Demian Maia. 

For those unfamiliar with Maia, he's a welterweight title contender in the UFC, an ADCC champion and a high-level BJJ competitor with various titles under his belt. Interesting Wikipedia-discovered fact: he also did a journalism degree. We could have ended up in the same industry!

The seminar was fun as two very good white belts I know got promoted to blue belt, then a very high-level blue belt got promoted to purple belt later in the week. All three got their belts for Maia, which is a great story to tell the grandkids! On a selfish note, it was particularly reassuring to see the blue belt get his purple belt because he ruined me without trying the last time we rolled and the gap between us was so massive I feared I was getting worse! But big differentials in skill levels within the same belt can happen at BJJ because the belts are so deep, with three years plus between promotions.

The teaching bit of the seminar was the most impressive bit, though, not only because of how it was taught but because of what was taught. So what do you imagine a top-of-the-food-chain BJJ competitor and UFC fighter was teaching? Some fancy reverse De La Riva sweep or a complex new attack from some funky new guard? 

No. Maia spent a couple of hours dismantling a basic armbar attack from side mount, which is something most white belts learn in the first few months, and he showed how he's worked on refining and tightening up the attack from this position. It may not sound that impressive, but the depth of knowledge and the detail he delivered was hugely impressive. 

In my other martial arts life as a hapkido student, the head of the school, an astonishing man from Korea who's been training in hapkido for about 60 years, is always saying 'Basics!' As a lower belt, I was sometimes annoyed about this because I always wanted to learn the next new thing. But now I've been around a bit longer, I fully appreciate the sentiment. Knowledge and learning can be horizontal to cover lots of ground, but real learning has to be vertical. It has to contain a depth of knowledge that is continually excavated and re-examined.

The Maia seminar had lots of genuinely nice moments, but that was probably my key takehome from it because it was a point when my hapkido training and my BJJ training connected. As I get older in martial arts years, I realise it’s better to have a smaller and more refined skill set than a larger and less developed one. You can know lots of stuff, but you rely on your go-to moves and combinations. Seeing Maia dismantle this technique and demonstrate that depth of knowledge helped make me feel better about not wanting to know more but to know less more thoroughly. 

I realised some time ago that my BJJ ‘game’, if such a thing ever materialises, will never be a complex thing. It will be based on simple and solid fundamentals that are drilled and continually refined over time. This is a development that started to happen in my hapkido, which I now see as a small skill set based on key principles that adapts to different circumstances and entry points, a few years ago. 

So it was nice to sort of have this approach also demonstrated by a high-level grappler like Maia. The lessons on leverage and keeping things together and closing down space were about attacking the armbar from side mount. But they were also applicable to everything else. 

To quote another martials arts man, one Miyamoto Musushi, ‘From one thing know ten thousand things!’