Aussie Rules...

Apparently there have recently been race riots against immigrants from the Indian subcontinent in Melbourne.

And the Australian campaign against these race riots? Have a 'Vindaloo against violence'.

It's genius. I love Australians. They have that Yorkshire way of thinking and speaking that can cut all the fat off an idea and reduce it to its main thrust.

And they also do it with a sense of humour too. Bloody love 'em...

Class Act...

My martial arts instructor is holding extra classes for students who'll be taking their black belt grading later this year.

The first one was yesterday and everything from my footwork to my stances to my techniques were lovingly pulled to bits for two and a half hours.

There's an old saying in poker that if you look round the table and can't spot the idiot then that means it's you. Yesterday reminded me of this.

It made me smile so much I forgot to be annoyed with myself. For a while at least...

All Heart...

Valentine’s Day was a roaring success at From Beer To Paternity Towers.

I bought the Missus some B&W horror movies, I learnt to cook kedgeree and I also treated her to a little poem which went like this:

'Rose are red,
Violets are blue,
I've got a knife,
Get in the van...'

Who says romance is dead?

Ear, Ear...

Thanks to my ongoing allergy and one very violent sneezing fit that lasted for about two hours on Xmas Day 2008 I now have partial deafness in my right ear.

When I eventually kicked up a fuss about it my doctor sent me for an MRI scan and I went in today to collect the results.

The first thing the doctor told me was that it was good news as he'd checked the MRI scan and it showed that I don't have a brain tumour. This was news to me as I wasn't aware I was at risk but, apparently, neural damage that results in hearing loss in some very rare cases can be caused by a brain tumour placing pressure in the aural area.

Unfortunately when he first told me this I initially misheard him and thought he said 'brain tuba' so we were talking at cross purposes for the opening five minutes.

Sadly he then told me the damage to my hearing was probably permanent... but he did offer me the chance to get fitted for a hearing aid if the condition degenerated any more. I am 40 years old and I have the option of having a hearing aid. I veered between manic laughter and Malcolm Tucker-esque swearing on the walk from the surgery to the station.

The Missus has been very sympathetic, though. Well, apart from cracking the obvious 'Pardon' gags. And threatening to trade me in for a younger model. Love her...

Tao Te Ching...

This much-revered Taoist text which was (or was not) written by a sage called Lao Tzu in the 5th century BC is split into 81 mini chapters and is considered one of the gems of Eastern culture.

It's basic message is consume less and want less and enjoy life and its simple pleasures but it contains so much more.

My favourite quotes so far after giving it a second read are:

'To know others is wisdom
To know yourself is enlightenment.'

'The sage consider the stomach
And rejects the eyes.'

'Nothing in the world is softer or weaker than water
Yet nothing is better at overcoming the hard and strong.'

It's so tied into the martial art I study it's not true. These remain things to ponder with a black belt grading on the horizon...

Other Woman News...

I am out playing snooker with the Other Woman and we are discussing the subject of 'crushes', that is 'crushes' as in quite fancying someone rather than grabbing hold of someone and choking them to death like some mad boa constrictor serial killer.

And suddenly the impossible happened. I actually managed to disgust her. Without even thinking about it I said something so filthy that she was rendered speechless. And this is genuinely a rare thing. For a moment I realised what it must feel like to be a God.

Obviously she didn't stay quiet for long. That would never happen.

But now I know that whenever I need to find a quick way out of any future argument with her I just have to mention the words 'splatter', 'face' and 'plasterer's overall' and the job is done.

Failing that I can just buy her chocolate...