OWWLOW News...

The Other Woman Who Loves Other Women has emigrated to live in the USA with her wife. I was sad to see her leave. We've not only trained hapkido together for more than a decade, but we're also friends. She remains one of the best people I know.

She also puts up with my constantly flirty nonsense and filth and, I'm pleased to report, an ocean between us hasn't diminished her ability to do that.

There are not many women I could refer to as 'a fine bit of booty' or 'world-class trim' and not get slapped. I bloody love her. And I miss her, too.

But I'm delighted she's happy and she's taken the chance to do something amazing like pack up in the UK and have a go somewhere else. Her courage and her passion for life continues to amaze, impress and inspire even when she's an ocean away.

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman is slightly annoyed. Not that this is new. This is often her default position. Usually followed by sarcasm. And barely-contained-if-at-all aggression. 

We've both recently graded at Hapkido and passed and we are now the same level. Apparently, however, I am the senior belt because I've been at the school longer. 

This has prompted her ire. 
'Essentially you're a slow learner,' is her most recent comment on the matter. 'We're the same level and I've learnt faster, and dealt with a seriously broken arm. But it now looks like you're better than me because you're the martial arts equivalent of a special needs child.'

It's hard not to love her generosity of spirit.

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman is annoyed. She has had a few days off work and, while she's been off, one of her colleagues has had a stress-related incident... and virtually left.
 'It's strange, isn't it?' she ponders over a post-training drink in the pub. 'You've met two of my work colleagues and, within a few weeks of meeting you, they've both had breakdowns of some variety.' 
'What are you saying?' I inquire. 
'That meeting you is enough to drive most normal people over the edge...' 

I think this a little harsh and I point out that they have also been working with her for quite some time by now, and that could be a factor, too. 

Apparently, this is not helpful...

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman is a fellow journalist and she recently managed to secure the Hapkido school, where we both train, a large piece in Metro. 

This involved a lovely reporter coming along and taking part in a class. Afterwards, the senior belts were asked to stay behind so we could demonstrate some throws and falls for the photographer. For one photo, I was asked to be the attacker while my opponent did a throw to escape a rear choke, which ended with me on the floor grimacing as he applied a wrist lock and arm bar combination.

The feature was duly printed and there were no photos of me, so I jokingly mentioned that I should be the eye candy factor to draw new students in. 

The Other Woman then took great delight in telling me that the photo of me grimacing (above) was, in the words of the features editor at the news conference, 'Not suitable or particularly attractive for a section of the paper primarily aimed at women'. 

So there you have it. I am officially not pretty enough for London women. Who read. 

The media is a cruel mistress. And the Other Woman is patently not much better.

Picture credit: Dan Lynch

Other Woman News…

The Other Woman’s Father has remained a constant source of amazement and exasperation in equal measure to the Other Woman, the Other Woman’s Long-suffering Boyfriend and the Other Woman’s family for many years.

Diagnosed with Parkinson’s several years ago, the medication for his condition has prompted spells of fascination with internet pornography, impulse purchasing of both a pool table and a bar billiards table, and a fascination and subsequent ownership of the type of fireworks reserved for use by civic authorities, which usually require a specialist from Nasa to launch them.

His recent foray to watch an Olympics football match in his wheelchair, and his subsequent belief that he no longer needed a wheelchair during a lucid moment, almost saw the Other Woman and her family lynched by supporters who suspected he was lying about his disabled status in order to secure front-row tickets at Wembley.

In many respects, he’s remained something of an underground hero to me, deciding to carry on as normal wherever possible and not accepting there are certain things a seriously ill man should not do.

Recently, his health has taken a turn for the worse and, now in a minimally conscious state, it’s a matter of when rather than if he finally says goodbye. It’s tough for the Other Woman but she remains amazingly level-headed and stoical about it all.

We were discussing a suitable tribute/epitaph and decided a large-scale display involving a naked woman made out of fireworks with Catherine wheels for nipple tassles was one possibility.

‘Large-scale fireworks, a bit of smut and spunking a huge amount of money on something totally pointless but also quite touching,’ I suggested.

‘It’s what he would have wanted,’ agreed the Other Woman.

Other Woman News…

The Other Woman is a black belt martial artist who has just passed the first part of her second dan exam. She’s a tiny powerhouse in sparring, her strikes break wooden boards and her low spin kick is probably the best I’ve ever seen in the decade plus I’ve been doing this and other fighting arts.

A while ago she and her sister went on a zombie experience. In this, a group of participants are locked up in a warehouse or a shopping centre and are attacked by actors in full make-up pretending to be zombies. It sounds like quite good fun.

There are certain agreed parameters, however, to ensure everyone’s safety so the zombies never touch the participants and the participants are not allowed to touch the zombies.

The Other Woman, however, rounded one corner and a zombie pounced out of the shadows to scare her and her sister… so instinct took over and she punched him in the chest and sent him crashing to the ground. She was very apologetic and the zombie recovered. Eventually.

But fact: My Other Woman kicks arse and kills zombies. Just when I don’t think I could love her any more, she finds a way…

Other Woman News...

I am in the pub with the Other Woman. It is a normal evening. We are chatting. About stuff. When she offers the evening's most memorable quote:
'The other thing about fucking somebody in the skull is this...' she mused.

I love my Other Woman. She offers sanity in an increasingly insane world. I am much better for having her in my life.

Other Woman News...

Me, the Missus, the Other Woman and the Other Woman's Long-suffering Boyfriend recently went to a mutual friend's wedding.

They'd kindly offered me and the Missus a lift as we were all staying overnight at the same hotel. Sadly, their car had a few problems with a dead battery so we had a slight drama getting there.

We made it, however, and the wedding was a blast... but, when it came to leaving the following morning, we had another battery problem so the four of us were stranded in a hotel car park for more than an hour waiting for the battery to recharge.

We kept ourselves amused and here are some of the things we learnt:
i) The Missus wants to start her own pottery and ceramics business.
ii) The Other Woman wants to grow vines and produce her own wine.
iii) The Other Woman's Long-suffering Boyfriend speaks much sense when he questions the Other Woman's lack of any horticultural knowledge of any description.
iv) It's probably OK for me to like Jay-Z. Even though I'm realistically too old, too white and too middle-class. As long as I don't keep 'fucking going on about it'.
v) The Missus is 'sick to death' of her 'idiot husband' 'poncing about with his stupid, fucking hair' and wishes 'he'd just have it fucking well cut.' Apparently.

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman's father remains a source of comedy joy.

Suffering from advancing Parkinson's Disease and sometimes needing to use a wheelchair, he occasionally goes into a respite care home in order to give the Other Woman's mum a bit of a break. And while there he does excursions.

And three days ago the Other Woman got the following text message for him:
'One thing I learned today – never go wheelchair ice skating...’

Legend.

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman's Dad suffers quite badly from Parkinson's disease and in his worst moments his mobility is badly affected and he has to use a wheelchair.

So when the Other Woman and the Other Woman’s Long-suffering Boyfriend got tickets to see an Olympics football match at Wembley and they decided take her dad along, the wheelchair was obviously factored into the trip.

What wasn't factored into the trip, however, was the Other Woman's Dad arriving at Wembley and being so excited at seeing the new stadium then sitting down in the wheelchair section pitch-side that he had a two-hour lucid spell and suddenly forgot he couldn't move properly.

Apparently this got particularly problematic when he wanted to join in the Mexican Wave and the Other Woman had to pretty much physically restrain him in case he did himself an injury - or got them thrown out of the wheelchair section as frauds lying to get good seats.

Apparently matters didn't improve much when the still-lucid Other Woman's Dad then insisted on wheeling his daughter out of the stadium. Once in the car, however, he dropped off and normal business was resumed.

The idea of the Other Woman trying to physically stop her dad joining in a Mexican Wave is a thing of beauty. I wish I was there...

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman passed her black belt grading at hapkido and was presented with her black belt at the weekend.

She's trained ridiculously hard to achieve this and she's also come back from two badly broken bones and two operations to reset them.

That's real determination. It shows real strength of character to come back from something like that.

It's also an example that inspires me to be tougher and I'm more durable and less concerned about minor aches and pains because of the example she has set me.

My Other Woman. I'm better because of her friendship. Even the sarcastic and grouchy bits of her friendship. And the many references to me being 'an idiot' bits of her friendship. My thanks.

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman is in the middle of grading for her black belt at hapkido.

The way the grading works is that you do a physical test (techniques, forms, sparring, board breaking)... then if you pass that you have to sit a written after three months of continual assessment and do some more techniques... then if you pass that you've got another three months of continual assessment ahead. It's a grueling but very rewarding process.

I went through it from 2010-2011 so I've spent some time with the Other Woman as her practice punch bag and rag doll to be tossed around. And yesterday she gave me a present she'd made (along with her mum and her aunty) to say thanks.

So now I have my very own knitted ninja (pictured). How cool is that? I didn't think I could love my Other Woman any more than I do but she's found a way to make that happen.

She may very well be a genius.

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman has been on a press beano to LA to interview the cast involved in a remake of Teen Wolf for the Twilight generation.

So she's doing the usual round of face-to-face chats with the cast when on her last interview she starts to flag as she is interviewing one of the teen beauties involved in the film. Struggling to fill her allotted interview time she goes off-piste and starts discussing other actresses the actress in question admires until the interviewee mentions Meryl Streep and goes on at some length how she admires her work.

Cue the Other Woman to ask the best interview question I have ever heard:
'So how do you think Meryl Streep would react if she was attacked by a werewolf?'
Even better the actress in question gave a full and frank answer.

The Other Woman is quite possibly a comedy genius.

Other Woman News...

As has been well documented on this blog, my Other Women is a confectionary and chocolate slut. To put it bluntly there isn't much she wouldn't do for a Snickers. Or a Wispa.

But the other day she sent me the following email and I thought I'd share:

'I decided on a new year’s resolution this lunchtime! Here’s how it went:
1.00pm. Go to lunch.
1.01pm Decide that new year’s resolution should be to not buy any confectionary products or cake with lunch.
1.30pm. Have three bites of an apple. It is horrible. Remember why I don’t like fruit.
1.35pm. Throw most of apple away.
1.40pm. Buy a Twix.'

It's just another reason to love my Other Woman in my book.

Other Woman News...

The Other Woman sent an email yesterday linking to a quite nifty game her long-suffering other half had created to help pull in punters to a website his company runs. Rather suspiciously, however, she used the term 'lovely' before his name so my curiosity was instantly piqued because I've never heard her say anything affectionate about him in public before. Unless he buys her chocolate. Or sweets.

So my mind was racing: Had she cooked something the previous night and accidentally poisoned him and was trying to throw detectives investigating the case off the scent? Had she done something really bad to jeopardise her relationship with a man who is quite frankly better looking and more intelligent than her?

It seems not...

When I approached her about this she confessed because it was getting near Xmas she decided to be nice about him in public in the hope of getting better presents. But when I pointed out this virtually made her a hussy she didn't take kindly to the accusation.

When I also pointed out the phrase 'chocolate tart' was invented for her she also did not take too kindly to the insinuation.

And finally when I suggested a far easier way to achieve male compliance she simply told me I was sexist and crude.

I don't know. You try to help people...

Other Woman News...

The hapkido academy recently ran a raffle to raise money towards new mats and I won two prizes: number one was a bottle of wine that lasted about two hours from receiving it to finishing it off; number two was a home-baked chocolate cake that was cooked over the weekend and given to me last night.

The cake caused much amazement in class as various fellow martial artists admired and lusted after it. But that's because it looked a pretty amazing cake. And on tasting, it didn't disappoint either... so much so that next year I am running and fixing the raffle so I again win the cake.

The Other Woman, however, may fight me for that honour. On hearing I had cake in class she immediately offered to perform any act so she could taste some. And I mean 'any' act. I could have probably demanded 'water sports' and she'd have agreed for cake.

When this tactic failed she then tried another ruse to claim that as we were such good pals I should offer her half the cake as she'd offer me half the cake if she'd won it. I snorted at this as I know full well that nothing comes between the Other Woman and cake.

One of the first times we went out to play pool she bought chocolate and when I moved in to take a bite the look she gave me suggested that I'd just offered to felate her grand parents after anally inserting copies of The Daily Mail in front of her parents. And all I wanted was a bit of Snickers... And with cake it's even worse.

I nearly took pity at the end of the class as she looked bedraggled and tired and was eyeballing the cake box like a lunatic. I imagined this was how junkies must feel before they burgled a pensioner to get cash for another fix.

Fortunately the cake was successfuly smuggled out of class while she was talking to another martial artist. But I fear denying her cake may be the end of our friendship. Unless I can placate her with a Crunchie. Or a Lion Bar...

Other Woman News...

Me and the Other Woman attended an intensive weekend of martial arts seminars and by the end of the weekend we were both utterly exhausted so we retired to the pub.

We'd had a minor spat earlier in the day after she'd bought a copy of The Mail On Sunday because it had a free Kylie CD. She argued the quality of the CD excused her decision to purchase and therefore fund the right-wing, racist and homophobic rag while I argued no amount of free stuff could ever warrant buying that vile publication.

So we renew hostilities over this in the pub and one of our friends around the table asked how we'd ever become friends in the first place if this is how we carried on. The Other Woman pondered for a second before offering:
'It's because I attract idiots.'
I countered with:
'It's because I attract sluts.'

We eventually made our peace over a pint but the Kylie Incident, as it is now known, will remain an icy plateau to which we will never return less we both slip off mid-argument and plunge to an unpleasant death.

I returned home and was explaining our debate to the Missus and ended my argument with:
'I mean, you wouldn't buy Mein Kamp if it came with a free handbag, would you?'

The Missus paused to consider the proposition.
'Depends on the handbag.'

The women in my life are in cahoots to send me insane.

Other Woman News...

I am out playing snooker with the Other Woman and we are discussing the subject of 'crushes', that is 'crushes' as in quite fancying someone rather than grabbing hold of someone and choking them to death like some mad boa constrictor serial killer.

And suddenly the impossible happened. I actually managed to disgust her. Without even thinking about it I said something so filthy that she was rendered speechless. And this is genuinely a rare thing. For a moment I realised what it must feel like to be a God.

Obviously she didn't stay quiet for long. That would never happen.

But now I know that whenever I need to find a quick way out of any future argument with her I just have to mention the words 'splatter', 'face' and 'plasterer's overall' and the job is done.

Failing that I can just buy her chocolate...