Other Woman News...

The Other Woman is a fellow journalist and she recently managed to secure the Hapkido school, where we both train, a large piece in Metro. 

This involved a lovely reporter coming along and taking part in a class. Afterwards, the senior belts were asked to stay behind so we could demonstrate some throws and falls for the photographer. For one photo, I was asked to be the attacker while my opponent did a throw to escape a rear choke, which ended with me on the floor grimacing as he applied a wrist lock and arm bar combination.

The feature was duly printed and there were no photos of me, so I jokingly mentioned that I should be the eye candy factor to draw new students in. 

The Other Woman then took great delight in telling me that the photo of me grimacing (above) was, in the words of the features editor at the news conference, 'Not suitable or particularly attractive for a section of the paper primarily aimed at women'. 

So there you have it. I am officially not pretty enough for London women. Who read. 

The media is a cruel mistress. And the Other Woman is patently not much better.

Picture credit: Dan Lynch

Nick Helm's Heavy Entertainment...

'Do you like Nick Helm? Do you like Nick Helm? Do you like Nick Helm? Do you like Nick Helm? Do you like Nick Helm?'

Yes. I do like him. I like him quite a lot actually. His kitsch pop star meets socially awkward nerd meets bloke having a breakdown persona makes me laugh lots. He was fab in Uncle and his mix of stand-up comedy and brash but funny songs is bloody excellent.

He gets to showcase the latter routines in his new BBC3 show, Nick Helm's Heavy Entertainment. This is currently three episodes old and it's much more hit than miss.

It's part stand-up, part bizarre musical pastiche and part audience interaction. It features some cracking one-liners, too. Example: 'I went out on a really bad date recently… it was September the 11th!'

It's very good. Watch and enjoy!

Five-word Reviews: Mad Max: Fury Road...

Brilliantly fast, utterly fucking furious. 

High-octane blockbuster that never stops! 

Grand Designs...

The Missus has a long-term crush on Christian Slater. He's been on her 'allowed list' for quite some time and we were discussing 'allowed lists' en route to seeing a movie. 
'I wouldn't mind you getting to grips with the Slater. It would have my approval. As long as it was only a one-off,' I muse. 
'I don't want any other man,' counters the Missus. 

I assume this must be some type of cunning woman trap so I say nothing. The Missus, however, continues: 
'After all, I've put nearly two decades of work into you. I wouldn't just abandon a project I've put that much time into…'
'So, as far as you're concerned, I'm a bit like a marriage version of Grand Designs?' 
'You're not really that "Grand". Probably more like "Mediocre Designs".'

I'm going to fuck Christian Slater instead. And he's going to enjoy it...

Five-word Reviews: Game of Thrones...

Draft 1: Dirty, violent, shag-filled, sweary fantasy.

Draft 2: In love with dragon lady. 
Draft 3: Tolkien gets sexy and bloody.
Draft 4: Like the little fella, too.
Draft 5: Fantasy soap goes soft porn.

The Modern World Disgusts Me: Part V...

I am thinking about trying my hand at stand-up comedy next year. 

My over-riding fear, though, is that my routine may feature a nearly 50-year-old man having a breakdown on stage as he rails against a ludicrous and fatuous world that he simply doesn't understand any more.

I did consult my psychiatrist about embarking down this road and he said: 
'Please take the knife away from my throat. Can you then untie me? You're scaring me and you're scaring my family.' 

He'll laugh about it. Eventually...