Dream Lover...

It is early in the morning. I am heading out to work, but the Missus is wide awake and keen to let me know about her latest dream. The Missus has a long history of bizarre dreams, but this one is unusual for the relative lack of violence.
'I dreamt you were having an affair with a French woman...'
'Was she pretty?' I enquire.
'Sultry, lithe and elfin,' she answers. 'You brought her to my mum's house and introduced her as a friend, then you told me you'd been having an affair with her for years.'
'How did you react?'
'I beat you up, then I beat her up...'

I ponder the dream.
'You do realise I'd never have an affair, don't you?'
'Yes. I know that,' she replies.
'Though the French woman sounds lovely. Did you get her phone number?' I inquire.
'It would be wasted on you. The only place anyone as stunning as that would ever look at you would be in a dream. Probably a wet one...'

She does love me, really. Probably...

Other Woman News...

I am in the pub with the Other Woman. It is a normal evening. We are chatting. About stuff. When she offers the evening's most memorable quote:
'The other thing about fucking somebody in the skull is this...' she mused.

I love my Other Woman. She offers sanity in an increasingly insane world. I am much better for having her in my life.

English Martial Arts...

Terry Brown is an English martial artist who began training in kung-fu in 1967 and has nearly five decades of fighting experience under his belt.

In 1980, he began researching English martial arts, and he's now one of the leading authorities on a vast subject that includes using weapons, such as the broadsword, the bill, the quarterstaff, the sword and buckler, and the sword and dagger, and using no weapons, which involves bare-fist fighting and wrestling.

His book, English Martial Arts (Anglo-Saxon Books, 1997) is a very informative and entertaining read, chronicling both the cultural shifts and historical conditions that, from perhaps as early as the sixth century onwards, helped forge a nation of warriors with its own indigenous fighting style.

The book not only includes a potted history of English martial arts and records its eventual decline, thanks mainly to improvements in ballistics, but also includes great stories about some of its early heroes. These include bare-fist fighting champions James Figg, Jack Broughton and Daniel Mendoza; plus some of its lesser-noted characters, such as Elizabethan sailor Richard Peeke, who was captured by the Spanish and agreed to fight for his freedom against up to six armed men at once... as long as he could use a quarterstaff. Peeke defeated his opponents and won his freedom.

The early chapters chart how the Company of Maisters, the governing body who controlled schools of self-defence and the teaching of martial arts in England, was established. The Company of Maisters was obviously important as it won royal patronage from both Henry VIII in 1540 and James I in 1605, and the 'schools of the science of defence' that flourished under the banner of The Company of Maisters were run along the lines of other respectable trades with strict rules and regulations.

The schools also had a strict order of promotion, very much like the ranking and belt system in many modern martial arts, and students first entered as a Scholar, before being promoted via a series of open challenges to the rank of Free Scholar, Provost and then Master. The Company of Maisters itself was governed by the Four Ancients, who were the four most senior members of the organisation.

Brown's book also includes details on the theory of fighting, such as the Four True Times, the Four False Times, the Four Grounds and the Four Governors, organising rules from more than 700 years ago about how and when to attack, which will make complete sense to anyone who's ever taken part in a sparring session, whether it involves weapons, hands and feet, or just hands.

It's a wonderful book that's clearly written by someone who's passionate about his subject. And it's also worth remembering that, with the current resurgence of martial arts thanks to MMA, England also has much older martial arts traditions to sit alongside its rich history of boxing and wrestling.

Anyone fancy a bit of quarterstaff work?

Masters Of Sex...

I return home from a busy day at work, followed by a martial arts training session. I am exhausted. The Missus, however, is quite chipper as her latest freelance project is going quite well.

'How was your evening?' I inquire. I am a caring husband. This is what caring husbands do.
'It was fab. I finished my work then watched Masters Of Sex on Channel 4. It was very good,' she replies.

I know Masters Of Sex is a much-heralded drama series starring Michael Sheen. I also know the Missus has a crush on the aforementioned Mr Sheen. He's on her allowed list.

'Well, it's got "him" in it, hasn't it? You were obviously going to enjoy it,' I say. Trying not to sneer. But failing.
'It has nothing to do with "him". It's just a very good series, although he is excellent.'
'You fancy "him", don't you?' I say. Before realising I am descending into teen umbrage.
'Yes. I suppose I do. He's unconventionally attractive. I like unconventionally attractive men. Hence you...'

This is what is called a backhanded compliment. It's also called an insult. 'Unconventionally attractive'. It will be my epitaph...

Other Woman News...

Me, the Missus, the Other Woman and the Other Woman's Long-suffering Boyfriend recently went to a mutual friend's wedding.

They'd kindly offered me and the Missus a lift as we were all staying overnight at the same hotel. Sadly, their car had a few problems with a dead battery so we had a slight drama getting there.

We made it, however, and the wedding was a blast... but, when it came to leaving the following morning, we had another battery problem so the four of us were stranded in a hotel car park for more than an hour waiting for the battery to recharge.

We kept ourselves amused and here are some of the things we learnt:
i) The Missus wants to start her own pottery and ceramics business.
ii) The Other Woman wants to grow vines and produce her own wine.
iii) The Other Woman's Long-suffering Boyfriend speaks much sense when he questions the Other Woman's lack of any horticultural knowledge of any description.
iv) It's probably OK for me to like Jay-Z. Even though I'm realistically too old, too white and too middle-class. As long as I don't keep 'fucking going on about it'.
v) The Missus is 'sick to death' of her 'idiot husband' 'poncing about with his stupid, fucking hair' and wishes 'he'd just have it fucking well cut.' Apparently.

Sound Advice...

I've been discussing my current writing projects with my oldest friend. Her advice is:
'Stick with the criminals and the prostitutes. It's your bag, baby!'

She has much wisdom, does my oldest friend.

Stewart Lee...

Stewart Lee, better-known as the husband of 2013 Fosters Comedy Award-winner Bridget Christie, remains one of the best stand-up comedians I’ve ever seen.

His latest show, Much A-Stew About Nothing, is currently touring the UK before taking up residency at the Leicester Square Theatre in London from November 2013 to January 2014, prior to filming a new series of the BAFTA-winning Stewart Lee’s Comedy Vehicle for the BBC.

The new stand-up show is Lee doing three half-hour sets for what will eventually be material for episodes of the new TV series, then throwing in an extra ten minutes of new and untried material as an encore.

The three sets are full of the usual Lee tropes, such as exasperation at the audience not getting some of the gags, then explaining why the gags are funny and how they set up something that will appear later in the show. There’s also the usual mock frustration with the modern world, and his despair and failure to understand much of its fascination with celebrity culture and its political torpor. Routines about his role as a father and a husband also put in an appearance.

It’s familiar Lee territory and it’s brilliantly done, and his stand-up stage craft as a performer and the quality of the material he presents make Lee worth a dozen other comedians currently clogging up the TV schedules like fat tissue in an artery.

Lee makes you laugh and makes you think. Go see him... before some arts critic from The Daily Mail can take no more of him and goes postal at one of his gigs. He’s brilliant.

Sticking Point: Part II...

My tahn bong (short staff) training continues at hapkido.

I was hoping to be a natural at this because it heavily relies on hand and eye coordination, and that is a skill set I'm comfortable with. But, sadly, I was hoping to be a natural at many things in life and they never materialised. I also realised a long time ago that the concept of being 'a natural' at anything is utter rubbish, and dedication, hard work, commitment and perseverance are the only things that really matter.

Consequently, I'm spending a lot of time working on basic strikes at the moment and hoping it will all come good. I will yet be Daredevil with his trusty billy club.

Public House: Part I...

My new theatre company is slowly taking shape. I have two large-scale projects in the early stages of development, two potential writers, some serious academic back-up, several possible venues, some initial funding contacts established and a fledgling website.

My next tasks are to register it as a limited company at Companies House, then set up a bank account and, by December, I should be good to go for its launch show next year.

It's going to be tough and probably not without a considerable amount of stress. But I think I've found a way to fund it and make it sustainable.

I used to do this without worrying about it. It was just something I did and any obstacles were things to deal with en route. I'm now about to start doing it again. It's scary and it's exciting... but if you don't push yourself, you'll never know how far you can go.

RIP Willow: Part II...

Myself and the Missus buried the ashes of our dead cat Willow at the weekend.

We dug a pot-bound twisted willow tree out of its pot and moved it into a bigger one near the back door, with her ashes placed at the bottom of the new pot.

We both cried a bit as we said a last goodbye, but I like the idea she's now home and close-by.

I even caught myself talking to her in the garden the other day, then explained to our remaining cat, Buffy, what had happened and why she was no longer around. I always talk to my cats. I sometimes prefer them to most people.

Rest in peace, Willow. You are home.

The Little Book of Prison: The Play: Q&A...

Here's part three, the post-play question and answer session with Frankie Owens, after the rehearsed reading of the play, The Little Book of Prison.

The play by Paul Brooks is a stage adaptation of the award-winning book by former convict Frankie Owens, which was directed by Jack Lynch and produced by LynchPin Productions Theatre Company at the Guildford Fringe Festival in July 2013.

The Little Book of Prison: Part Two...

Here's part two of the rehearsed reading of the play, The Little Book of Prison.

The play by Paul Brooks is a stage adaptation of the award-winning book by former convict Frankie Owens, which was directed by Jack Lynch and produced by LynchPin Productions Theatre Company at the Guildford Fringe Festival in July 2013.

The Little Book of Prison: Part One...

Here's part one of the rehearsed reading of the play, The Little Book of Prison.

The play by Paul Brooks is a stage adaptation of the award-winning book by former convict Frankie Owens, which was directed by Jack Lynch and produced by LynchPin Productions Theatre Company at the Guildford Fringe Festival in July 2013.

RIP Willow: Part I...

Our youngest cat, Willow, was hit by a car today. One of our neighbours knocked on our door to inform us that the accident had happened and our seriously injured cat had crawled under a nearby car. So I had to go and drag her out from under it and, accompanied by the Missus, rush to the vet to see what they could do.

Willow looked awful and was panting and could barely move and, even after she was stabilised, put on painkilling medication and x-rayed, it didn't look good. She had a broken leg, a broken pelvis, kidney damage and internal bleeding... so we took the decision to have her put down.

It was a horrible decision to make: but, bizarrely, seeing her no longer suffering rather than in the absolute agony I initially found her in offered some consolation. I'm also grateful she was spotted by our neighbours as the thought of her slowly dying in agony under a car would have been too brutal.

This is the second time I've been through the process of having a seriously ill cat put down and it remains a truly horrible experience. Myself and the Missus walked home from the vet and both vowed we were never having another cat when our other one, Buffy, eventually dies.

But having pets remains a sort of life lesson. You can only get love if you give it but in giving love you also expose yourself to be hurt, betrayed or bereft. If you don't give love, however, then you may as well be dead yourself.

So, bearing that in mind, we'll probably change our position about getting a new one when we're over the pain of losing this one.

RIP, Willow. You were greatly loved and you'll be sorely missed.

Sticking Point: Part I...

I've been studying the Korean martial of hapkido for more than ten years, and every grading and every belt en route to my first dan came with its own challenges and problems.

I've now had my prized black belt for a few years and it's still a challenge to retain the standards that got me there in the first place. But, as pointed out by Winston Churchill, 'Success consists of going from failure without loss of enthusiasm.' So I just remember that struggles remain part of any process when you're trying to improve.

I started training for my second dan a while ago and I've just graded for the first part of it, so it's something I'm particularly remembering. I passed the grading so I started officially training with my first martial arts weapon yesterday.

The name of the weapon in Korean is 'Tahn bong' and this translates as 'short stick'. And I'm particularly excited about this because, as a kid (and as an adult), one of my favourite superheroes was Daredevil, a blind superhero who used a short stick.

So if times get tough and I'm struggling to learn new techniques for my second dan, I'm going to console myself with the quote from Churchill and remember work and failure always comes before success... and the fact I could be a real-life Daredevil complete with short staff in a few years.

Holiday: Part I...

Me and the Missus are back from a fortnight in Corfu. It was very much a sun, sea, sand and relaxing holiday and a chance to recharge the batteries, but now it's over I'm raring to go.

First up is the Little Book Of Prison play and how we develop the script. I'm meeting the book's author in a few days to discus how we do this. I'm thinking radio play and possible theatre tour and he's thinking Podcast.

Then it's the Contagious Diseases Acts play for my new theatre company. I've done a lot of research on this while on holiday, perching myself on the balcony with several books on prostitution and a notepad, and I think I've now got a good handle on how I want to develop the project.

And I also want to grade at martial arts at the end of the year.

So that's three pretty clear goals to aim for. Let's go...

The Little Book Of Prison: The Reading...

The first and second rehearsed readings of my new script, The Little Book Of Prison, have come and gone and it's been a thoroughly enjoyable but quite demanding experience.

Now, after a hectic time on both the work and creative fronts, it's time to take some down time and assess not only where this play goes, but where my new theatre company goes and how it gets there.

And, fortunately, a holiday in the sun beckons so it's two weeks of winding down and taking stock... and getting ready to come back stronger and make some things happen.

Watch this space...

Nostalgia...

I recently met up with a couple of old friends from my college days. Unusually for somebody who's so confident about pretty much everything, I was a bit nervous about this.

For starters, you never know how people may have changed and, secondly, they've both made their mark, one as a recording artist and the other as a TV director, and I never feel as though the potential of my youth has been fulfilled. Not yet anyway...

But it turned out to be a fab evening and they were wonderful and entertaining company, and kind and considerate... essentially the sort of adults you want all your friends to be and you hope all teenagers turn into.

We're now back in touch and we'll hook up again. They're the sort of people any sane person would want in their life and it made me a little sad that it had taken all three of us more than two decades to regain contact.

Filthy...

I'm working long hours and arrive home to find the house 'cleaned' by the cleaners. But as I wander around trying to unwind, I constantly spot bits of dirt that they've missed. I am annoyed and consult the Missus, who is now in semi-retirement and at her most relaxed for years.
I, however, am not relaxed and need to vent. So I do:
'They're cleaners but they don't fucking well clean.'
'They do most of it,' replies the Missus, more interested in watching TV.
'But there's dirt on the mantlepiece in the kitchen. That's basic cleaning because it's visible. It's not even advanced cleaning.'
'You really are like the girl in this relationship, aren't you?' replies the Missus.
'How?'
'You just see dirt everywhere. Then you get upset about it. Like a girl...'
'I'm not a girl. I'm just not a fucking slob.'

I am annoyed. Then I realise my OCD is taking over as I start to straighten things on the coffee table in the living room. Straight lines for everything. Everything in straight lines. With no dirt. That will make the world a better place...

The Book Of Mormon...

The Missus bought me tickets to The Book Of Mormon for Xmas and we went at the weekend and it was fabulous.

It's essentially a musical about two Mormons, one smart and full of pride and the other slightly half-witted and clueless, who venture to a Ugandan village in a bid to convert a desperate populace to the Mormon religion. Once here, they encounter a failing Mormon chapter, Aids, a local warlord and all other manner of problems, while also taking a journey through the history of the Mormon religion via Star Wars and Star Trek. There's a bromance and a love story, too.

Created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone of South Park fame, it's crude and irreverent but it's also bloody hilarious and it's a beautifully crafted show.

I'm a big fan of Parker and Stone. I think their long-running TV series South Park was laugh-out-loud funny while the movie Team America was one of the most astute works of art I'd ever seen discussing America's role in global politics. And the fact the latter was a genuinely funny piss-take made using Supermarionation puppets a la Thunderbirds made it all the better.

The Book Of Mormon takes the musical form and takes crude humour to point out the flaws in the Mormon religion without openly ridiculing it. And the flaws it points out in Mormonism obviously have wider implications about religious fanaticism elsewhere in the world.

It's brilliant and it's funny and, like team America, it's very smart in what it says and how it goes about saying it. It's populist without dumbing down and it's a genuinely funny and also inspiring piece of work.