Other Woman News...

The Other Woman is a fellow journalist and she recently managed to secure the Hapkido school, where we both train, a large piece in Metro. 

This involved a lovely reporter coming along and taking part in a class. Afterwards, the senior belts were asked to stay behind so we could demonstrate some throws and falls for the photographer. For one photo, I was asked to be the attacker while my opponent did a throw to escape a rear choke, which ended with me on the floor grimacing as he applied a wrist lock and arm bar combination.

The feature was duly printed and there were no photos of me, so I jokingly mentioned that I should be the eye candy factor to draw new students in. 

The Other Woman then took great delight in telling me that the photo of me grimacing (above) was, in the words of the features editor at the news conference, 'Not suitable or particularly attractive for a section of the paper primarily aimed at women'. 

So there you have it. I am officially not pretty enough for London women. Who read. 

The media is a cruel mistress. And the Other Woman is patently not much better.

Picture credit: Dan Lynch

Nick Helm's Heavy Entertainment...

'Do you like Nick Helm? Do you like Nick Helm? Do you like Nick Helm? Do you like Nick Helm? Do you like Nick Helm?'

Yes. I do like him. I like him quite a lot actually. His kitsch pop star meets socially awkward nerd meets bloke having a breakdown persona makes me laugh lots. He was fab in Uncle and his mix of stand-up comedy and brash but funny songs is bloody excellent.

He gets to showcase the latter routines in his new BBC3 show, Nick Helm's Heavy Entertainment. This is currently three episodes old and it's much more hit than miss.

It's part stand-up, part bizarre musical pastiche and part audience interaction. It features some cracking one-liners, too. Example: 'I went out on a really bad date recently… it was September the 11th!'

It's very good. Watch and enjoy!

Five-word Reviews: Mad Max: Fury Road...

Brilliantly fast, utterly fucking furious. 

High-octane blockbuster that never stops! 

Grand Designs...

The Missus has a long-term crush on Christian Slater. He's been on her 'allowed list' for quite some time and we were discussing 'allowed lists' en route to seeing a movie. 
'I wouldn't mind you getting to grips with the Slater. It would have my approval. As long as it was only a one-off,' I muse. 
'I don't want any other man,' counters the Missus. 

I assume this must be some type of cunning woman trap so I say nothing. The Missus, however, continues: 
'After all, I've put nearly two decades of work into you. I wouldn't just abandon a project I've put that much time into…'
'So, as far as you're concerned, I'm a bit like a marriage version of Grand Designs?' 
'You're not really that "Grand". Probably more like "Mediocre Designs".'

I'm going to fuck Christian Slater instead. And he's going to enjoy it...

Five-word Reviews: Game of Thrones...

Draft 1: Dirty, violent, shag-filled, sweary fantasy.

Draft 2: In love with dragon lady. 
Draft 3: Tolkien gets sexy and bloody.
Draft 4: Like the little fella, too.
Draft 5: Fantasy soap goes soft porn.

The Modern World Disgusts Me: Part V...

I am thinking about trying my hand at stand-up comedy next year. 

My over-riding fear, though, is that my routine may feature a nearly 50-year-old man having a breakdown on stage as he rails against a ludicrous and fatuous world that he simply doesn't understand any more.

I did consult my psychiatrist about embarking down this road and he said: 
'Please take the knife away from my throat. Can you then untie me? You're scaring me and you're scaring my family.' 

He'll laugh about it. Eventually...

Five-word Reviews: Avengers: Age of Ultron

Version 1: Entertaining, politically astute superhero action-fest.

Version 2: Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow rocks! 

Version 3: Geek-tastic sequel with sufficient nerd-bait.

The Modern World Disgusts Me: Part IV...

I was accused on 'Not caring about the little people' the other day...
'You've changed since you became a big shot,' sneered a colleague.

I pondered her comments then offered the following response.
'I may have changed, but that's because I'm now trying to ensure the survival of the project I'm working on, so fuck-headed twats like you, who do nothing but whine like arse-slapped children, will continue to have a job and not have to sell their, frankly, too-much-junk-in-the-trunk arses for past-their-sell-by-date Findus crispy pancakes, because they no longer have an income to put food on the table. Because, to be frank, no other cunt will employ you. Ever. Even for menial work like giving suckjobs to tramps to give the proper whores a rest. 
'And, for your further information, I don't dislike you or your kith and kin because I consider you to be little people. I don't really consider you at all. Fact. And if I didn't like you, it wouldn't be because I'm a snob. It would be because I'm regional facist and I don't like people like you, who come from wherever you come from. Wherever that fucking shithole is? What's that? Manchester? Well I don't like Manchesterians. The place probably doesn't even fucking well exist and, if it does, it's just probably a small village where the inhabitants all fuck each other and have kids with 13 fingers. So cunt the fuck off.'

The office went a bit quiet after that. I may also not have said any of those things. Just thought them. Or imagined them as part of a future comedy routine...

Wife of the Year in Our House Award...

It was my birthday a few days ago and Mrs Brooks again put herself in pole position for The Wife of the Year in Our House Award with her present: an antique print from 1870 by Japanese artist Kunitoshi Utagawa.

I am beyond stunned. She is beyond brilliant.

The Modern World Disgusts Me: Part III...

The Fast and the Furious film franchise has released a seventh instalment. Yes. Seven. That's correct. Four more films than the Godfather trilogy and, currently, one more than the Star Wars franchise. How the fuck did that happen? Are there really that many Top Gear fans who smoke crack and imagine they're Vin Diesel. Or one of the other ones?

Thank god they didn't get hold of Police Academy and extend that movie past the first one.

Little Changes...

My next martial arts grading at hapkido involves using a short wooden stick called a tahn bong. 

Using it is quite difficult and, after learning an eight-strike pattern, there's a seven-block pattern, plus freestyle striking and blocking, plus a whole host of other techniques to counter punches and kicks, and throw people, and choke them. It's quite difficult.

I struggled with the initial striking pattern for months, but I decided the easiest way to improve at this was to break it down and routine the training into bite-sized chunks. 

So every day I'm at work, I take a ten-minute break in the afternoon and do at least 150 strikes or blocks. Since I started this, I figure I've now done 12 weeks by five days by 150 strikes/blocks per day, which means about 9,000 strikes/blocks in total. 

And it's helping matters, too, so I'm going to adopt this tactic of doing a little thing every day in other areas. I've finished lots of writing work over the past few years by utilising my commuting time and that produced dividends. I may adopt a wrestling drill and see how that goes, too. 

Big improvement can be built in little spaces.

Five-word Reviews: Wild Tales

Bizarre, brilliant, twisted revenge stories.

Moments...

It is Friday morning. I am laid in bed with the Missus. 

We are curled up. It is quiet, apart from the purring of the cat on the end of the bed. Regardless of anything else that happens today, or in days to come, this moment won't be lost. It will be logged in the memory banks with all the other moments I cherish. This is called being present.

About 20 minutes later, I am in the bath. The Missus enters and looks around, before commenting:
'The bath's too full and there's water all over the floor. What have you been doing?'
'I was relaxing...'
'Well can you do it less messily?' 
'No. I can't. Fuck off.'

Of course, I didn't say that last thing. My head and thoughts were still enjoying the bed bit...

The Great Gatsby...

Myself and the Missus paid one of our yearly trips to Sadlers Wells in London last week to see the Northern Ballet version of The Great Gatsby. 

Having never read the book, I was unfamiliar with the story, but I soon picked up that it was about a reignited romance between a rich bloke and his one-time lover, and the doomed love affair between the woman's cheating husband and the wife of a drunk garage owner. 

I won't reveal the ending in case you haven't read the book or seen the film versions, but the moral seems to be 'Don't piss off alcoholic garage owners with guns.'

I'm still quite new to the world of dance and ballet and I'm only really a recent convert because the Missus likes it. But I am intrigued because, at its best, it's quite a pure art form, with the story stripped back and any fat trimmed off because there's no verbal narrative or interaction to explains the action; therefore it has to be quite compact. 

There were some jazz bits in this show that were a bit annoying as I don't like jazz, even though stylistically they very well done and in keeping with the 1920s period. The more balletic pieces were beautiful, though. 

A fab night out.

The Wellcome Collection...

One of the real hidden gems of London attractions remains the Wellcome Collection on Euston Road. It's a permanent exhibition of medical curios, which includes all manner of fascinating anthropological stuff with a medical connection. 

It also has a huge library, new exhibitions and a great book shop and coffee shop. 

The newest exhibit it's acquired is a copy of Harris's List, which was a catalogue of famous prostitutes in the late 18th century. And it's now put this up online on its website here. 

It's well worth a look.

The Modern World Disgusts Me: Part II...

I am sat on a train travelling home. It is a Monday evening. 


There is a business chap next to me. He is having a loud mobile phone conversation and he actually says the following thing: 'We need to park this because he hasn't got a benchmark, so it's obviously not a slam dunk.' 


He says it without a trace of irony. 

He says it as a real thing. That matters. 

Using those exact words.


Cunt of the week award? Already won on a Monday? With six more days to go? I think so...

Quote of the Day...

'The key to good decision making is not knowledge. It is understanding. We are swimming in the former. We are desperately lacking in the latter.'

Malcolm Gladwell, Blink

Holiday in Thailand: Part IV...

We were too knackered to travel to either of the major kickboxing stadia during our whistle-stop tour of Bangkok, so we made a decision to go and see the Muay Thai when we arrived in Krabi. And Ao Nang Kickboxing Stadium was about 20 minutes away from our hotel, so we went along. 

The stadium itself looks a bit ramshackle but it's perfectly safe and most of the seating is decent enough: the seats near the ring are 1500 baht (about £30) and essentially offer leather sofas on three sides, plus a standing area on the fourth side where the locals watch the fights and bet; while the stadium bleacher seats are 1000 baht (about £20) and aren't as close but offer a slightly elevated view of the action. The beer is pretty cheap, too.

There were nine fights on our card, with each fight lasting five three-minute rounds, unless there was a stoppage or a knockout. Four ringside judges decide the result if there's no stoppage or knockout.

All the fights except one lasted the full distance on the night we went, so it was about three hours of entertainment for £20, which seemed pretty exceptional value. Most of the fighting was of a decent standard, too, with the heavier and older fighters taking a more considered and technical approach, while the younger and leaner fighters were much more aggressive. 

The final fight was between two young children and their kicking was so technically solid it was astonishing. The referees were also incredibly good and kept on top of the action at all times during all the fights.

From a martial arts student perspective, I was intrigued that there weren't a huge amount of punch, punch-elbow or kick-punch combinations thrown. But the gloves looked about 10-12 ounces so I guess consistently kicking with the raw shinbone does more damage over a long period of time than throwing punches in padded gloves, although one of the better and more technical French fighters did cause a lot of damage with a couple of well-timed uppercuts. 

The plum clinch, where fighters get their hands around the back of each other's necks so they can pull the head down and drive knees into the head and the floating ribs, was also used quite a lot. But this was often effectively defended, so it was then turned into either a hip throw or a trip to down the opponent. I am assuming this was a scoring move as it was used quite frequently.

I'd read reviews online about Ao Nang Kickboxing Stadium that were a bit disparaging, but it was a thoroughly enjoyable night out and it felt a very safe environment to be in. It was certainly much less intimidating and much less testosterone-filled than many boxing matches I've seen in the UK. But Muay Thai is a part of Thai culture and also a martial art where both the martial and the art sides are clearly on display in the actual fighting and in the pre-fight rituals.

The night also offered a chance to see a less sanitised but also very traditional side of Thailand. We got there quite early and had a cheeky poke around the stadium and the training facilities next door and the staff were really friendly and helpful. It's well worth a visit. Just make sure you pre-book a cab back if it's a late finish.

Holiday in Thailand: Part III...

I have four basic requirements from any holiday: 
i) Time with the Missus. 
ii) Time to swim on a nice beach. 
iii) Time to read. 
iv) Time to explore something old or cultural.

Thailand is providing all four with stunning scenery and fabulous food thrown in. We should have come here years ago. 

One highlight of the holiday so far is book one from my reading list. I thoroughly enjoyed Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell and his second book, Blink, is similarly entertaining and thought-provoking. 

It explores the premise that unconscious decisions are often more accurate and reliable than decisions taken that are backed up by extensive research and planning. Of course, it isn't quite that simple 

But Gladwell argues that unconscious decisions made by people with experience and understanding are often more reliable than decisions made by equally qualified people who purely rely on statistical data and so-called proof... as the former rely on their unconscious to process data while the latter invariably drown in a sea of excessive information. 

Gladwell sort of concludes that the best results come from a joining of both statistical data with 'blink' decisions, but only as long as the statistical data is directly relevant and the 'Blink' decision-maker has the experience to back up his instinct.

It's a wonderful book and it introduces ideas such as 'thin-slicing', 'sensation transference' and 'white space' when it comes to rapid decision making.

I'll be starting on his third book when I've finished Chuck Liddell's autobiography, which is proving to be an enjoyable and entertaining read. That should be no surprise, though, as I'm a big fan of Liddell and used to love watching him fight in the UFC. 

So another Gladwell book is next up. If I'm not tempted by Victorian Prostitutes or Batman first...

Holiday in Thailand: Part II...

Me and the Missus are having breakfast. It is our first morning at a plush spa resort in Krabbi and I have come up with a cunning plan.

This involves me taking redundancy at work, which as a journalist will probably come round at some point, then me and the Missus spending a year in an Asian country; meaning I can train in a martial art at source, and she can spend a year working as an apprentice potter at source. We're also both writers so we'd write about the experience and about each other, too. 

It's a plan I am very excited about and I am waxing lyrical. 
'It would be fab. We'd have to spend six months beforehand learning another language, we'd have to rent the house out but that would pay for itself, and we'd also have to put a chunk of cash in to make it work. But it would be a great adventure,' I enthuse. 'If we went to Korea, I could train in hapkido at source, while you could get a gig as an apprentice potter. It would take some organising but it would be fabulous. It would be an adventure. And it would be our adventure. Just me and you. How cool would that be?'

The missus is silent. I assume she is pondering the plan. Then she speaks. 
'Somebody's got waffles for breakfast.'

I could feel offended that I am being ignored. Until I realise I have the opening sentence of the book version of our travels...