Not OK!

I've just chanced upon a copy of celeb-trash magazine OK! For those who have not had the pleasure of OK! it's like a poor man's Hello! which obviously makes it very poor indeed.

But what do you expect. It's published by Richard Desmond, the same bloke who publishes the now lamentably awful Daily Express and the shockingly poor Daily Star and who also owns a veritable gamut of porn channels such as Red Hot 40+ Wives and Red Hot All Girl.

So essentially we know it can only be barrel-scrapingly awful. So barrel-scrapingly awful in fact that if I ate nothing but prunes and dried fruit for a week then sprayed the contents of my arse over an empty sheet of newsprint it would probably look better and be a more interesting read than OK!

But today's copy of OK! reached a new low in bad taste. Under the banner headline 'World Exclusive: The Last Picture' was a half-page shot of the dying Michael Jackson with an oxygen mask attached to his face obviously breathing his last. Then on the side of the page the masthead read 'OK! With all out love and prayers. The official tribute issue. Michael Jackson. In loving memory.'

Now I have little interest in defending the alleged multi-kiddy-fiddling pop star but for once I actually felt sorry for him. His life was a bizarre circus and now, thanks to OK!, his fans can see him breathing his last on their front page.

To quote the now-dead prince of pop. 'Who’s bad?' Clue: OK!

Victory!

The search to find the perfect cue is finally over and, post willing, my new but very old Riley Tombstone cue will be arriving next week.

I chanced upon it on ebay but I'm somewhat sceptical about buying cues on ebay after I bought a similar cue and it wasn't quite as advertised.

Fortunately – and by total coincidence – I know the guy I'm buying it from and, even better, he is a former cuemaker who originally learnt his trade at Rileys so he knows what he's talking about and is also a straight-up bloke to deal with.

I tried to explain how excited I was by this purchase to a work colleague who happened to around at the time. I tried to explain why it was so important to me and enthused about how it was something with a bit of history and... to be quite frank she just looked blank.

Maybe I need to keep my obsessions to myself in the workplace. Having said that she should thank her lucky stars I didn't start talking about 1970s pornography or Victorian erotica.

But who knows? She may have liked that...

Stock...

I am in rewrite land for my current play, Stock.

It's an odd time because it's like the first day of the football season where everything is possible and this could be the breakthrough script...

But it also depends on how much work I put in on it because it's important I learn lessons from previous drafts of previous plays and work hard to try to get this one as right as I can before I send it off to my usual list of potential theatres.

I'm aiming to send it out by the end of July. So here's hoping...

Movie Madness..

I am in the curry house with the Missus and the Boy and we are discussing films and I give an opinion on something with which he disagrees... then he backs up his opinion by claiming that he's seen more films than I have. Cue argument...

I try to explain to him that he can't have done this as I also love films and have been an avid movie viewer since my early teens and, as I've also got an extra 22 years on him, it's highly unlikely his claim is accurate. But he still doubts my veracity so we decide to settle it mano-et-mano by naming all the films we've seen in alphabetical order.

We begin with the letter 'A' and are still going strong 50 movie titles beginning with 'A' later, until it's my turn and I'm struggling so come up with anything.

So I plump for 'Ass-turbators'.

The Boy looks at me then carries on with his next entry and I then offer 'Ass-turbators II'. The Boy stops me.
'What exactly is Ass-turbators?'
'It's an adult film...'
'You mean porn?'
'Yes...'
'You can't include porn films!'
'They're still films...'
'They're not allowed in this, though...'
'You let me have Aunt Peg earlier...'
'That's because I didn't realise it was a porn film...'
'It's beautifully lit and acted actually. It's not just a porn film...'
'Pick another movie beginning with A...'
'Ass-turbators III?'
'You're an idiot...'

Storm Warning...

Me and the Missus are travelling into work and she's telling me about her recent trip to some flash eaterie the day before – then mentions she also bumped into a work associate on the trip.

During this explanation I switch off for a bit and when I tune back in she’s still talking.
'...but sadly she's having a rough time of it at the moment because she’s splitting up with her husband.'
'The friend?'
'Yes.'
'Is he a dirty, no-good love rat?'
'No... but they've been together for ages and she's gradually decided he's a bit of an arse who's not amounted to anything so she left him.'
'So she left him beause she's an arse and a low achiever?'
'Yes...'

There is a pause and she looks at me before she continues.
'I'm sure it's probably quite common...'

The Perfect Cue...

I recently spent just under £400 on a new pool cue made by John Parris, the country's best cuemaker who also makes cues for Ronnie O'Sullivan.

So it was with some trepidation that I joined the Other Woman and the Other Woman's Real Fella for an afternoon on the snooker table on Saturday to give the cue its first proper road test.

For a player of any decent standard getting a new cue is a big deal as it feels very odd and it takes a while to get used to because it's not what you've been using or are used to feeling in your hand. Even subtle differences can take time to adjust to.

Consequently I was pretty rubbish for large patches of the afternoon.

Fortunately I know this cue migration from my current cue, which is a bit short, to my new cue, which feels a bit long, will take some time and I am prepared for a long haul of mediocrity before I make the switch on a permanent basis.

In the meantime, though, I am still searching for one of two models of an antique cue I have had my eyes on. This is because I am convinced that if I get my hands on one of these cues it will be like the comic strip Billy's Boots and I'll magically become the half-decent player I once was after being inspired by the spirits of all those old players who have used the cue before.

Or I just may spunk another large amount of money on an old cue and sit in my office looking at it. Like I currently am with the last one I bought. And the one before that...