Wednesday, December 29, 2021

New Cats: Part III...

 


We've now had the new cats for three months and they're starting to relax at chez Brooks. Dolly is the braver of the two and she spends more time with us, while Dotty is more timid. But she's coming out of her shell a lot more now. Both occasionally sleep on the bed with us and divebomb us for food first thing in the morning.

I'd forgotten the joy of having pets. We took a two-year break when our beloved cat, Buffy, died. But those little moments of affection when they plonk themselves on your lap, or visit you and sit on the desk in your office are worth the price of looking after them. I'm a little bit besotted by them.

They do have a calculating side, though. There have been times when I've been cooking in the kitchen and one of them will distract me, while the other will sneak in and steal whatever is available. Nam breads, gingerbread men, slices of garlic bread and bits of French sticks have all been recovered from the garden room that is their kingdom.

We've essentially adopted the raptors from Jurassic Park in the famous scene where one distracts the hunter while the other ambushes him. We're in the throws of slowly letting them roam free at the moment. It would not surprise me if they dragged a Big Game Hunter through the catflap.

Friday, December 03, 2021

Soft Cell: Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret 40th Anniversary Gig...


My musical tastes are wide-ranging and always have been. Part of that variety in taste is because I inherited a lot of different bands and artists from family members, friends and other notables in my life. My long-time love of The Who, the Beatles, the Rolling Stones, Elvis Presley, Neil Sedaka, Gene Pitney, Joe Jackson, the Electric Light Orchestra, the Waterboys, Joy Division, Nick Cave, Leonard Cohen and the Sisters of Mercy are a good example of these diverse influences. 

The advent of streaming services has since allowed me to dabble and further expand my explorations of music. So I've worked my way through modern minimalist composers such as Philip Glass and Steve Reich, classical masters such as Johann Sebastian Bach, and new bands to me, such as Slow Show, Biffy Clyro, Arab Strap and Sports Team. 

And, in even better news, there will be many more new ones to come. 

The first band I really discovered by myself was Soft Cell. Back in the heady days of 1981, I adored the single, Tainted Love, and the album it came off, Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret. This was a thing that amazed, seduced and intrigued me, although I much preferred their 1983 album, The Art of Falling Apart. Sadly, I never got to see them live. 

Fast-forward four decades and the no-longer-together Soft Cell announce they're reuniting and performing a series of shows to celebrate the 40-year anniversary of Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret. Bugger the expense. I am in. 

The gig was superb. They opened with a glorious version of Torch, ran through a series of songs from Non-Stop Ecstatic Dancing and The Art of Falling Apart, plus tunes from the massively under-rated This Last Night in Sodom and Cruelty Without Beauty. They even previewed songs from their forthcoming 2022 album, Happiness Not Included.

But the highlight was them playing Non-Stop Erotic Cabaret in its entirety. Personal non-hit-single favourites such as Frustration, Seedy Films, Sex Dwarf and Chips on My Shoulder all received rapturous welcomes from a partisan audience, while hits such as Tainted Love, Bedsitter and Say Hello Wave Goodbye got everyone on their feet and joining in when invited.

Marc Almond's voice was in surprisingly fine form, while Dave Ball's accompanying synthesiser was immaculate. The accompanying backing singers also did some of the heavy vocal lifting when needed. 

It was a joyous evening. It took me back to being 12 and feeling both insecure and excited about what the world had to offer. But music retains that ability to trigger memories and feelings. I'm just glad I don't have to revisit the near-teen version of myself as part of the package. I'm much happier as a 52-year-old...

Tuesday, November 30, 2021

Competition Time...


After a miserable last BJJ competition, I decided to get back on that particular horse, hoping I wouldn't be thrown off in embarrassing fashion again. 

The idea of returning to a tournament made me nervous, but I also felt OK with it. In fact, I quite looked forward to it. It was my first tournament as a new purple belt, but I knew I'd trained consistently hard and I had a decent plan going in, despite having to face bigger fighters.

The start of the fight went my way, with a fast guard pull and my opponent locked in my full guard. He worked his way out of my full guard and I made my first mistake by not switching straight to a half guard sweep. I then attacked for an armbar and got stacked. From then on, he secured top position and attacked. I tried to escape and defended OK, but his positional dominance and route mapping on top was just better than my defence from below. I eventually tapped to a collar choke. 

But it was a good experience against a skilled competitor. And, after the smashing I took at the last event – albeit at the hands of a much younger and stronger opponent – it was good to come out of there and at least feel competent again. So that was a victory of sorts.

I now plan to work on a thing off the mats and start defining my routes to victory more clearly. Every day is a school day. If you're smart enough to listen.

Monday, November 08, 2021

Bad Taste Joke...


I was recently writing a joke about being a proud Yorkshireman, explaining how I had so many role models growing up. These included truck drivers who helped keep the economy moving, such as Peter Sutcliffe; businessmen who made it a point of principle to employ as many women as possible, such as Peter Stringfellow; and tireless charity workers who always put the needs of others first, such as Jimmy Savile.

The punchline was: "Thank God the Duke of York is a stand-up guy who's in no way linked to an industrial-scale sex trafficking."  

But the Missus told me the joke was in such poor taste that I should never include it. In anything.

Thursday, October 07, 2021

New Cats: Part II...

I am now back in the office a few days a week. The Missus has used my household absence to win the hearts and minds of our new kittens. 

I had high hopes of winning their approval. But I have been defeated by a superior mind with superior resources and a superior publicity machine. 

What a humiliating defeat. I now know how Saddam Hussein must have felt...

Sunday, October 03, 2021

New Cats: Part I...



We have new cats. Well, the Missus has new cats because I bought them for her for our 20th wedding anniversary. But, in reality, they are 'our' cats.

They are seven-month-old bonded sisters called Dolly and Dotty. Both are jet black with tufts of white on their chests and stomachs. Dolly is the braver of the two, while Dotty is the more timid. 

Our last cat, Buffy, died about two years ago. We had her for 18 years and we resisted the temptation to get a new pet/pets for some time. But we've now succumbed and, quite frankly, it's fabulous.

We are both a tad besotted. Cats rock.

Thursday, September 30, 2021

Two Decades and Counting...


I have always had good luck. I sometimes believe this is because I continually try to make things happen, often putting myself in places where good things can happen to me. But I am also lucky. I know this.

Case in point: my marriage. The fact I not only managed to convince such an amazing woman that I was worth a punt is one thing. But for her to take that punt and stick by it for a 24-year relationship is a blessing I count every single day. 

I could wax lyrical for several hundred words about my wife. She made me grow up, her love has made me even more fearless about tackling anything and our life together has just been one massive adventure. We also have our son. He remains a constant source of pride as he does his own thing and makes his own way in the world with his own wonderful other half. 

Any road up, me and the Missus recently celebrated 20 years of marriage together. She bought me cake. I bought her kittens. That sort of understanding is why this works. 

And also the fact that she has the patience of a saint. 

Friday, August 27, 2021

Other Woman News...


Sadly, one of the minus points of no longer training in hapkido is that I get to see the Other Woman on a less regular basis. 

Fortunately, she recently visited Guildford and we went to BJJ together, then she crashed over. The following day we were running through some techniques and I was showing her a new throw I'm using a lot. It is not unusual for me and the Other Woman to be grabbing each other or rolling around on the floor doing techniques. 

When the Missus walked in, she didn't bat an eyelid and simply said to the Other Woman:
'Make sure you don't hurt him. He has to work.'
To which the Other Woman replied: 
'Don't worry. I'm having trouble grabbing him through his back fat.' 

In the metaphorical sense, I am as far from thin-skinned as it's possible to get. But that doesn't mean that I physically have a fat back. It's true that I did add about half a stone during lockdown, but I am now back to my normal weight of 13 and a half stone. This is not fat.

Of course, when it comes to ridicule, none of that matters. The Missus now makes fat back jokes and throws insults on a daily basis, while the Other Woman texts me fat back insults. I am a victim of fat shaming in stereo.

The current list of insults includes: 
'Fat-back bastard'
'Fat-backed twat'
'Chub-no-rib-cage'
'Fat back'
'Mr Blobby Back'
'Fat Back to the Future'
The Missus even pinched my back during an 'intimate moment' and she was definitely suppressing laughter when I looked at her.

Beer Review: Arbor Cafe Creme Stout...


Arbor Cafe Creme Stout is a reliably pleasing tipple. An oatmeal stout with coffee and chocolate flavours, it doesn't announce the fact that it's 6.9% like some stronger and richer imperial stouts. Best drunk slightly chilled, it's an absolute bargain at just under £3 for M&S. 

Expert summary: Like a Coldplay album, you know exactly what you're getting and it will deliver the same experience time after time after time. It may not be the most demanding or awe-inspiring product in the world, but it's great fo those that like it. And I like Arbor Cafe Creme Stout. And, yes, I also like Coldplay.

Saturday, June 19, 2021

Lockdown News: Part XXVII...






I recently decided to celebrate the easing of lockdown by treating myself to a haircut. Going to the barbers for me has always been a treat. I'm a sucker for a bit of pampering and, in the days of life as a journalist in that London, myself and a friend would often venture to what I thought was quite a flash hairdressers run by a posse of almost identical and amazingly beautiful Hungarian women. 

In retrospect, I now suspect it may have been part of a people smuggling operation. The haircuts and the level of pampering on offer was, however, a joy and worth any potential moral compromise. 

Fast-forward a decade and I now have a new favourite barbers in Guildford. This is run by men. Proper men. With tattoos and muscles and opinions about sports. I generally go in and explain that I have no idea what I want doing as I don't know the terminology. But I'll give them a rough description and they'll tell me it in Barberage, which is the language of all male hairdressers. Then we'll swap pleasantries about football, which I studiously learn from the telly the night before, they'll get to work and I'll relax. 

A strange thing happened the last time in, though. He was doing his thing and I was explaining why I thought Carlton Palmer was a massively under-rated defensive midfielder, and he started trimming my actual ears with an electric razor. 

He didn't ask. He just went straight in. I am quite fastidious about ear and nasal hair. But I couldn't remember if I'd done it recently. He obviously thought I hadn't and he piled in. He probably assumed I was some old bloke who just didn't care any more. He was being kind. A bit like leaving a pile of paper towels nearby to help the drunk in the pub who's fallen asleep and pissed himself when he wakes up. 

So I am now clearly the sort of man who needs additional help to remove his unsightly ear hair. It could be my lowest moment. If I hadn't had many more. Male grooming is a jungle.

Thursday, June 03, 2021

Belt Up!


So here's a thing. I've been promoted to purple belt at BJJ. This was a surprise. About seven or eight months ago when the world was briefly re-opened, I felt like I was getting back some quality and game plan. Then we went into another lockdown and I was mainly doing online MMA classes, with odd online BJJ drilling classes thrown in.

I felt I was massively off the pace after such a long lay-off. On top of this, I was also feeling my age with a couple of constantly nagging injuries. 

Then the end of a recent class came and two very good white belts were promoted to blue. Then I was called out and told I was being promoted. 

The belts in BJJ are so deep that I expected to remain a blue belt for a while longer. There were things I wanted to add into my game to expand my repertoire and I wanted to be more solid in what I did. For example, I'm reasonably confident with my standing and throwing game, my guard pulling and anything once I'm in full guard, particularly if I have an overhook. Wristlocks are obviously a key thing for me, too.

I've been trying to add in a more solid half-guard game and some open guard and x guard stuff, plus some Williams Guard techniques. I'm pretty sure this a path I'll continue down. 

The new belt is a good stage to re-assess matters. So my battleplan going forward is to assess what my game actually is and develop it, deal the obvious technique or positional holes elsewhere, and add related techniques in. 

The thing I already know is that I want simple and functional game that will work in gi and no gi and for self-defence. I also need to focus better on what I'm doing while I learn to wear the belt and not worry about the colour.

The great advantage of going from white to black in another martial art is that I've felt imposter syndrome before. I felt like I'd blagged it for about six months when I got my black belt at hapkido. Then I settled into it and it was fine. I'm sure this will be a similar process.

I'll never be the most talented martial artist in the world. But I can be a continually improving one, so the key route for me is to stay fit, avoid exacerbating existing injuries and work out where I am and what I need to do. That sounds like a plan.

Tuesday, April 20, 2021

Beer Review: Dot Matrix Black Cherry and Chocolate Stout...

 


I am not a huge fan of anything massively fussy. As I get older, I fear I am slipping into a Yorkshire stereotype of an old man who views anything vaguely exotic as something to be mistrusted. 

Left Handed Giant's Dot Matrix Black Cherry and Chocolate Stout, however, is one drink that is ensuring my craft booze tastes stay reasonably experimental. 

At a not overwhelming 7 per cent, it's not one of those fancy 10 per cent and plus stouts that is too strong. It's also incredibly well balanced with all the flavour notes combining to create a soothing symphony of taste. It's an absolute delight that is straight into my top five. The only problem I have with it is that the Missus also quite likes it, so I have to buy extra cans to keep her happy.

Expert summary: An utter treat that hits all the right flavour notes and is a joy to drink. It's comfortable and affordable without straying into the realms of luxurious or decadent. It just bloody works. Buy it if you can.

Monday, April 19, 2021

Lockdown News: Part XXVI...


It's my second birthday in lockdown. So the usual day off work and nice meal out in the evening were off the menu. But that's white, middle-class man problems. I am well aware that I'm doing incredibly well if that's the only thing I have to even vaguely complain about.

I woke up, however, to kind words from friends and an impressive haul of craft beer that should keep me going for a while. I am a very lucky boy. And I count my blessings every single day.

Poetry & Creative Mind Day...



Here’s a little something for today’s Poetry and Creative Mind Day:

The Grand Old Duke of York
He hid from 10,000 men
Who were all FBI agents wanting to question him about his knowledge of an industrial scale sex trafficking operation with a convicted sex offender.

Monday, March 08, 2021

Beer Review: Layer Cake...


Brewdog's marshmallow and chocolate stout is a cheeky 7 per cent. It sounds utterly luxurious and decadent and it certainly hits all the right flavour notes. But it's not anything exceptional or truly memorable. The brewery's Jet Black Heart, for example, had a much more rounded flavour and was a much less fussy drink at a cheaper price.

Expert summary: It's the work colleague you always assumed would be a good laugh on a night out. But while a decent time was had by all, in the cold light of day the evening was just OK and you wouldn't be in a rush to repeat the experience.

Lockdown News: Part XXV...



I've been drinking during lockdown. Not to major excess. The family ghost of alcoholism has been well and truly exorcised. But a cheeky beer most evenings has sated me and taken the edge off, with the number sometimes going up to three on weekends. Crazy guy, eh!

But I've just had two consecutive days without booze for the first time in a few months, and I woke with no fuzziness and a sharp mind at 6am. So I got up and did things straight off the bat. No need to get into the garden and hit the punchbag fo 45 minutes to wake up and normalise.

This feeling is like the first time I smoked dope. It was so new and wonderful and liberating. After 11 months in lockdown of one sort or another, these feelings of clarity and sobriety feel very similar to that. It's a sensation revelation.

Sober is the new drunk.

Monday, February 22, 2021

A Working Life: Part III


I am bored, so I have decided to 'pimp up' my LinkedIn profile. Above is my first attempt.

I also found the below list of my Top Five 'Cascaded-down-from-high' Management Speak Terms 2008-2018:
1) Downsizing resource for bounceback growth
2) 
Deadwooding for organic recovery
3) Opportunising multi-tasking efficiencies
4) Restructuring to liberate staff potential
5) Optimising our workforce resource

The Other Woman also told me that some advertising wankstain at her place used the term 'Solutionising'. With no shred or irony. Or shame. I offered her my pity. 

I am old enough to remember when 'monetising brand identities' was a thing said by real adults. To other real adults. 

Tuesday, February 09, 2021

Lockdown News: XXIV...


I officially became an old man today. I now have specs stuck together with bits of sticky tape. I am Jack Duckworth.

In other news, I am also getting interested in astronomy. So I could also be another Coronation Street character in Curly Watts. 

This is a blast from the past as it was one of several nicknames, alongside 'John Lennon', I had at school because I wore glasses. And because the people who gave me nicknames largely weren't very fucking imaginative. 

Although, to be fair, I always had a great deal of affection for being called 'Gandhi'. That showed a little more class and thought. 

Tuesday, February 02, 2021

Lockdown News: Part XXIII...


I utterly adore the Missus. I would shun the advances of all five women on my 'allowed list' to spare hurting her. Even though we have an agreement that we can sleep with other people – as long as it's only these other people.

But recently she's gone too fucking far. What has she done? Put the spices in the kitchen out of alphabetical order? No. Exposed an embarrassing secret? No. 'Accidentally' broken one of my precious Riley tombstone badge snooker cues? No. Cheated on me with a younger, better-looking fella? No. That would involve too much effort and it would also break lockdown rules, and she won't do that for anything. 

She's talking through Attenborough. To be fair, it's something she's always done, but I've managed to ignore it. During a Perfect Planet, however, it just got too much. 

So we are in bed one Saturday morning and she is teasing me about something I've failed to do or messed up. Apparently, there is a lengthy list. And I suddenly vent.
"At least I don't talk through fucking Attenborough! You wouldn't get an OBE from the Queen and try to shit in her mouth at the ceremony. Same rules. You don't have Attenborough on the telly and talk through it."

A few seconds of silence followed. Then she asked:
"And how long has that been bubbling away?"

It was when I admitted that it was for more than two decades that she started laughing. On the plus side, she managed to keep quiet for the next three episodes. She did make witticisms in episode five, though. But I firmly and decisively reminded her of the rules. 

I didn't. I just ignored her.

PS. The five on my 'allowed list' are writer Mary Shelley (dead), actress Teri Hall (dead), tennis player Venus Williams (unlikely to ever meet her) and actress Isabel Adjani (now 65). The fifth is former Corrie star Shobna Gulati, who I met at a press do. She was utterly charming, funny and smart and everything I hoped somebody I fancied would be. I was so awe-struck I could barely speak.

Wednesday, January 27, 2021

Lockdown news: Part XXII...



My lowest moment during lockdown? Today I was reduced to eating cooking chocolate because it's all we had in the house. 

The utter shame of consuming such buttery sweet goodness haunts me – and delights me – still...

Lockdown News: Part XXI...


Some advice for those negotiating the sometimes delicate intricacies of advancing the case for love-making while your partner is scrolling through messages in bed on a morning.

Avoid saying the following as an opening gambit: 
"Get off your phone, it's time to moan."

It is not considered appropriate to enhancing mood. Apparently. Even when it's obviously said as an 'it's-so-crass-it's-funny' thing.

Sunday, January 03, 2021

Happy New Year!


Hurray! It looks like 2020 is over! Thank fuck for that. The only person who's probably seen the global pandemic as a good thing is Prince Andrew. It means he's had an excuse not to visit America and answer those 'awkward' questions about his dead rich chum with a thing for young girls. 

There are quite a lot of Tories and friends of Tory MPs who have also enjoyed a bumper year thanks to Covid-19. They've mysteriously managed to secure million-pound contracts thanks to a scrutiny-free procurement processes that would shame most corrupt dictatorships. Well done all. The UK is indeed a land of opportunity. Particularly if your privilege, wealth or inherited position gives you access to the right friendship groups and circles within circles. 

For the rest of us, however, it's been a pretty grim 10 months. It's been even worse than grim if you've lost loved ones or your job hasn't been protected. I offer you my sympathy if that is you.

Here are some personal reflections on a year that pretty much everyone wants to forget...

The worst Government at the worst time
The list of Government failures and lies and doubling down on lies is spectacular in its scale. Clearly out of their depth, the Johnson Government refused to demonstrate any form of cogent leadership from the beginning of this pandemic. The fact they then failed to learn from their mistakes and continued to act too late and ignore the science helps explain why the UK is in the mess it's in. 
Even today, despite SAGE telling them they should not be sending kids back to primary schools, they are sowing confusion by questioning the science when the SAGE message is crystal clear. 
Their incompetence when it comes to basic project management and clear messaging throughout this pandemic is criminally negligent. If I performed that badly in any job, I'd expect to be sacked. 

Goodbye Europe
The UK leaving Europe was a strangely emotional day for me. It made me furious and incredibly sad. Overnight, Great Britain became Lesser Britain with a weaker trading position, while Europe announced a huge trade deal with China. 
The UK essentially ended up here because a bunch of right-wing sociopaths convinced large swathes of the population that they didn't have jobs because of the immigrant influx into this country – rather than the fact that the aforementioned right-wing sociopaths had trashed the economy with casino-style banking and toxic fiscal policies such as austerity.
All Remainers failed every young person in the UK by not winning this fight. We've lost so much and even if the Government's most generous fiscal forecasts are true, the economy is going to lose a lot more. And that's before we look at lost opportunities for young people, the loss of co-operation on international security, education, investment, collaborative projects and services. The latter is particularly important as services provide a huge chunk of the UK economy. And guess what wasn't protected during negotiations? I feel sick.

Writing equals sanity 
Writing has always been my way of making sense of the world, so a month off work on furlough saw me get productive and write the first draft of a new play. I'm quite pleased with it, even if the end needs a lot of work. It's called Plague and it's about an ambitious local councillor from a town in East Yorkshire who wants to stage a community play. But the story the playwright unearths threatens to expose the town's dark past.
It has two timelines: one set in 1986, when the play is going to be staged; and the other set in 1665, the plague year when the play is set. It also presents the idea of contagion and canker as a physical disease and as moral and political corruption. Wonder where I got that idea?

Training news 
I started the year off by competing at a BJJ tournament and getting my arse well and truly kicked. The rest of the year has seen me train lots in isolation, with online classes thrown into the mix, too. 
I never thought martial arts would become another path to sanity. But it absolutely has and I've never appreciated the discipline it instills or the sense of togetherness it brings more than in 2020. If you don't train in a martial art and you need something to help you out during lockdown, I'd absolutely recommend starting. It's never too late. 

People power 
I've always been blessed with the best of friends. Working in journalism, playing pool, training martial arts and writing have given me several families at different points in my life when I'm geographically removed from my own clan in Yorkshire. 
Their support has been hugely important this year. I like to think I'm reasonably self-contained, but even I've felt dark days in the past 10 months. Obviously, I don't mean really dark days. I'd never seek to suggest I have the type of serious mental health problems that affect others. But if I've felt it, then I can only sympathise with how it has affected others who face these types of issues. 
It's an oft-quoted line, but friends are the family you choose. And I've been lucky enough to have people in my life who have let me choose them as my family. My love to you all.

Learning power 
My wife, my stepson and his girlfriend remain a constant source of inspiration for me. My uber-talented potter wife has been throwing some very cool stuff and she's starting to get it out there and sell it. My stepson and his girlfriend are comic creators who continue to find and refine ways to create and publish and sell their work. I was once like them. I had that fire. I need to rediscover that drive in 2021. I can learn from them in that respect.
I also landed a new job and it's made me rediscover the joys of learning as I've had to get myself up to speed with lots of science and engineering disciplines. This has reawakened my desire to learn again. It's also made me appreciate what science is and how it operates. 
Anyway, at 51 I'm learning new things and I need to relearn old things. This is exciting. 

Hope 
Things may seem bleak at the moment. We have the worst Government at the worst time and we seem to be in the grip of a bunch of vicious Little Englanders who have enabled vile prejudices and views to gain currency. Racism has been emboldened. But we've been here before. I remember the 1980s when everyone was either with the government and its series of vicious policies or they were portrayed as 'the enemy within'. 
We see a similar narrative play out now. Teachers or NHS staff who question the Government's pandemic response aren't getting behind the national effort enough. Anyone who asks questions that challenge Government dogma and lies about Brexit are somehow unpatriotic and not getting behind Britain and should silence their inquiries.
Not that their are many inquiries in the mainstream media. Apart from a few notable exceptions – The Guardian, Piers Morgan, The Mirror, Novara Media, Channel 4 News – we now seem to have a compliant media that doesn't even challenge basic lies. 
I have hope, though. Some of that hope lies with the next generation who have become politicised through groups such as Extinction Rebellion and Black Lives Matter. They understand that it takes more than hitting a 'Like' button on Facebook to make meaningful change. In the absence of meaningful debate, I hope activism is back to stay.