Monday, January 31, 2011

Other Woman News...

As has been well documented on this blog, my Other Women is a confectionary and chocolate slut. To put it bluntly there isn't much she wouldn't do for a Snickers. Or a Wispa.

But the other day she sent me the following email and I thought I'd share:

'I decided on a new year’s resolution this lunchtime! Here’s how it went:
1.00pm. Go to lunch.
1.01pm Decide that new year’s resolution should be to not buy any confectionary products or cake with lunch.
1.30pm. Have three bites of an apple. It is horrible. Remember why I don’t like fruit.
1.35pm. Throw most of apple away.
1.40pm. Buy a Twix.'

It's just another reason to love my Other Woman in my book.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

AWL...

For a feisty cynic the Missus does have a romantic side.

I say side. It's more of a miniscule area that like Brigadooon only appears on very rare occasions. But recently there was a sighting when she was quite touched to read that Denis Healy and his wife had a code for when they felt they were getting stressed over impossible problems.

Their code was three simple letters which were 'AWL' which stood for 'Aren't we lucky?' When uttered these three letters acted as a timely reminder that whenever things were going badly they take stock and appreciate each other and the lives they had. And 'AWL' usually calmed them and made them less stressed.

The Missus found this quite touching and sweet so we've adopted it.

We have, however, also adopted a less tender trio of letters to explain our exasperation at some of the people and problems we also deal with from time to time. And this is 'TAC' which is shorthand for 'They're all cunts'.

Feel free to share it with your friends...

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

PJ Harvey...

There is much excitement at From Beer To Paternity Towers with the impending release of a new PJ Harvey album, Let England Shake.

Previous Polly Jean Harvey incarnations have been grunge rock chick, sashaying vamp, cosmopolitan sophisticate and ghostly waif and, like her ever-changing image, her music is a constantly evolving thing moving from grunge to blues to rock to folk with a bit of electronica thrown in.

She remains one of the few artists who strive to create something new with every release and each new CD rarely disappoints. I think she's bloody wonderful and her creativity and immense musical talent are things that should be celebrated. She is really that good with a body of work to back it up. She is a national treasure.

Having heard two tracks from the latest CD it seems she's gone a bit Patti Smith meets William Blake with musings on Albion and its current state.

The album is out on 14 February. Can't wait to hear the rest of it...

Thursday, January 06, 2011

Why EastEnders Is Shit...

EastEnders has a new name at From Beer To Paternity Towers.

It's now called Shit Shouty Cockney Telly Land. It could just as easily be called Shit Shouty Cockney Telly Land Where Nothing Makes Sense And The Plots Have No Basis In The World Of The Characters but that doesn't trip off the tongue.

So Shit Shouty Cockney Telly Land it is.

I once liked Shit Shouty Cockney Telly Land in the days when it was good old EastEnders and it was well written and well acted. But those days are now nothing but a dim and distant memory, like thinking fondly of a relative who used to give you sweets as a child before you learnt he's recently turned into an alcoholic who shoots kittens with a crossbow then skins them for fun.

The new realisation ruins the fond memory but somewhere you hope the kindly old man is still in there. Although if the kindly old mad was an EastEnders character under the current regime he'd be kidnapping children and dry bumming them in the Vic cellar before having a sex change and mainlining horse. And that's a real horse. And that would happen in the space of one show.

Take the Christmas episode which was actress Lacey Turner's big exit storyline. Her character Stacey had an affair with her husband's dad Max that split up a family, killed a rapist, saw her husband Bradley plunge to his death and was diagnosed bipolar to explain the previous storylines so viewers would regain their sympathy for her. Then she had an affair with the father of her baby Ryan.

So lots of material... and all viewers got was some half-arsed love triangle that required lots of last-minute exposition, the worst stabbing in TV history and an escape from the police that made the events of cartoon series Wacky Races seem credible. Oh, and her dead hubby's dad Max declared his love for her at the airport as she was about to leave.
'So that's it? It's all over?' asked Max at one point.
Yes it is all over. And it was shit.

Currently Shit Shouty Cockney Telly Land features a cot death storyline. But that obviously wasn't considered moving or gripping enough so the producers tagged on a baby swap storyline to it as well. Double the tragedy, double the grief. It's like a cover line from Pick Me Up or some other awful real-life magazine.

Unfortunately Jessie Wallace and Shane Richie, Patsy Palmer and Maisie Smith (Tiffany), Jake Wood and June Brown are the only people who can actually act so watching the episodes when they are not involved is pretty gruelling work. It's like watching a local am-dram group who usually do melodrama suddenly have a go at theatre of cruelty for an audience of pensioners who were expecting farce. It's harrowing. But for all the wrong reasons.

The main problem with Shit Shouty Cockney Telly Land is that it's become drama-porn. In porn it's all about the sex and the money shot. Don't worry about little things like character integrity or creating believable stories. Just get to the action. In about 30 seconds, please...

And that's why EastEnders is Shit Shouty Cockney Telly Land. It's drama-porn. Forget the build-up. Just get to the action. And if two people going at it isn't good enough let's add some more and get them to scream a bit louder. In about 30 seconds, please...

You get the impression nobody involved on the production or the storyline side really cares that much any more. It's just another job in TV land. Unfortunately the show and its viewers deserve something better.

And if they do care and they think this is good... They need telling it's not. But on the plus side it's still not as bad a Come Fly With Me.

Saturday, January 01, 2011

Merry Xmas: Part III...

Every year I make a present for the Missus and this year I have probably excelled on previous gifts such as the Self-powered Hairdryer and the DIY Lipsosuction Kit.

We are both fans of potty-mouthed political satire The Thick Of It so I had some tea towels printed. An example of these is above.

I think it's my finest work...