Lockdown News: Part XIII...

My latest entry in Husband-Wanting-Pat-On-Head-For-Doing-Things-A-Child-Knows Award.

Lockdown News: Part XII...

Today I have the utterly blissful feeling of achievement you get when finishing a new play. That this could be the breakthrough, the one that finally lands…

Tomorrow begins the slow process of rereading, editing and rewriting, dismantling and reassembling, frustration and annoyance that none of it makes sense, and nagging doubt that it isn’t very good.

But today is not tomorrow yet…

Lockdown News: Part XI...

As a professional journalist and writer, I am enjoying my new Twitter-bot-created status of #ScumMedia. 

I genuinely love the idea that to dismiss any criticism of HM Government, the entire media is being largely carpet-bombed by Tory bots on Twitter. North Korean news managers would be ashamed of this behaviour. 

I, on the other hand, am thinking about getting t-shirts printed. As #ScumMedia myself, I am proud to support other #ScumMedia such as The Guardian, The Mirror, The Sunday Times, The Daily Star, Owen Jones, Ash Sarker and Emily Maitlis. All of these have used facts to let the Johnson administration's recent record speak for itself.

If you are fellow #ScumMedia, stand up and be proud! 

PS. Here's a link to an analysis of where the majority of these tweets are coming from.

Lockdown News: Part X...

The thing to take home from the Sunday press briefing, in which Prime Minister Boris Johnson defended his chief advisor, Dominic Cummings, is this: they are in power and they do not give a flying fuck about you, your concerns or the sacrifices you have made to combat Covid-19. Protecting his mate is more important than anything you have done. Fact.

The thing to take home from the Monday press briefing, in which a non-elected government advisor was given a huge amount of air time on the BBC to defend his position with one preposterous lie after another, is this: he is an unelected official who holds power and he does not give a flying fuck about you, your concerns or the sacrifices you have made to combat Covid-19. He also thinks it's safe to drive a car containing his wife and child when he has eyesight issues.

The thing to take home from the glut of Cabinet Ministers and Tory MPs who rushed out cut and paste Tweets in defence of Cummings is this: they are in power and they do not give a flying fuck about you, your concerns or the sacrifices you have made to combat Covid-19. They will do anything to cling to power.

Do you see a pattern emerging here? The entire nation has just been gaslit. They may as well have taken everyone in the UK who's followed the rules, put them in a line, then taken turns to spit in their faces. And laugh while doing it. 

Then mocked: 'If you observed the rules of lockdown, then you're a mug because you clearly didn't understand the instructions well enough. You mugs. You massive bunch of mugs. You massive bunch of thick fucking mugs. Dominic understood. But you didn't. You mugs. We are mugging you the fuck off. Mugs. Fuck off back to poor land. Mug fucks.'

I don't know about you, but I don't feel very good about that. And I don't think I'm actually exaggerating the general strength of feeling about this either.

Lockdown News: Part IX...

When exactly did you think you might be having some form of breakdown? 

It was nine weeks into lockdown. I went out shopping for essential supplies and I came back with beer and a nasal hair trimmer...

Lockdown News: Part VIII...

I have made cookies. To be fair, they are more biscuit than cookie. But I will refine the recipe and the cooking times on batch no.2 and get this right. 

Fuck grouting. Baking is where it's at!

Lockdown News: Part VII...

One of the DIY jobs I am tasked with while me and the Missus are on lockdown is to regrout the patio. This constitutes a change in the balance of power in our relationship as it means I am suddenly trusted not to fuck a DIY thing up. Or the Missus is bored and she wants to be entertained while I crash and burn while doing something.

To be fair, my track record of DIY has had spectacular successes, such as me totally dismantling a 120-part Warren Evans three-door wardrobe and re-assembling it in a different room. 

But there have also been less successful ventures, such as the role I once had as a student handyman in as Winchester department store. This resulted in thousands of pounds worth of damage to designer dresses when I had a painting accident, and me fusing the electrics on the entire first floor while drilling a hole. So the Missus may have a point.

To prepare, I watched videos on YouTube on patio regrouting and I ordered a trowel set and some pre-mixed mortar. When the mortar arrived, the Missus took one look at the bag and told me I hadn't ordered enough. I explained how it looked bigger in the picture and I was sure it would be fine. She countered by saying I over-estimated the size and usefulness of everything. I think that was a cock reference.

But two days in and It is sort of looking OK. I imagine my builder forefathers are looking down and saying, 'We knew he'd come good eventually. He can now leave them books and that writing behind him and be a real man with a proper job.' Or something like that.

Of course, I'm not saying I am the best patio regrouter in the world. But I am definitely in the top two. In our house. Of two people.

Beer Review: S43's Imperial Peanut Butter Fudge Stout...

One advantage of Lockdown Land is that I am drinking more. This is good because I like drinking. I always have and I hope I always will. 

I've had moments when this habit has threatened to take hold of me a bit too much. But they were a long time ago, and marriage, work and martial arts training have helped me keep a grip on a potential demon that has haunted and possessed several family members. 

Stout has generally been my drink of choice and I've revelled in the explosion of craft beers in the past five years. Consequently, I decided to give S43's Imperial Peanut Butter Fudge Stout a whirl. 

Drunk too chilled, it can taste a bit metallic. Drunk at room temperature, however, it's a pretty pleasant experience with the peanut note hitting you right at the end. It's quite a thick pour. It's 9%, too, so it's a sipper and not a gulper. 

It's not in my top ten and I still prefer Tailgate's Peanut Butter Milk Stout, but it's worth a go. If only so you can enjoy the quirky can design that's clearly ripped off from a well-known chocolate bar. 

Expert summary: A bit too brazen and not sophisticated enough. Like a young lover who talks a good game about sex then fails to deliver in the bedroom, leaving only the sad taste that comes with high expectations and limited success.

Lockdown News: Part VI...

It was always my plan to write something about Covid-19. My initial idea was to take two divorcing characters from a play about dementia I am currently creating and lock them down in a household together. 

The play would tell the tale of their outright hatred for one another and the reason for their separation. But it would also comment on the incompetent handling by the Government of the crisis and the reporting of it by the Daily Mail. 

Since the pandemic started, I have kept notes on the situation as it expands from the points of view of both HM Government and the Mail, and I am genuinely having difficulty keeping up with the rate of lies, obfuscation and disinformation from both places. Couple that with some particularly vile front pages from The Mail and it's almost beyond satire. And that's before we look at Donald Trump. It's terrifying. And I don't even have my long hair (pictured above) to entertain me any more.

Of course, that doesn't mean it won't get written. I just may need some space from it. But I have found another angle into this and I'm powering on with that instead while I am on furlough from work. 

To quote the Trump, I think it will be 'super duper'. If we don't all die first.

Lockdown News: Part V...

A word of warning for husbands: scoring 485 at Scrabble when playing your wife means 'privileges' may be withdrawn. 

Lockdown News: Part IV...

I usually wait until me and the Missus are back from our evening walk until I have my first beer of the day in Lockdown Land. But, on Friday afternoon, I went rogue and cracked one open at 4pm. And, guilty admission, I was still working. 

As a long-time journalist, drinking at work is nothing new. In fact, at one point it was such a part of the culture that you were almost an oddity if you didn't. Some of the best journalists I've ever met would do four or five pints at lunch, then go back to the office and somehow manage to produce amazing copy. But it's not been something I've ever done to excess. I haven't drunk at work for the best part of a decade and a half. Until Friday.

Sadly, there's a lot to be concerned about at the moment and reaching for a drink is sometimes a sensible way of not allowing it in, particularly if you have any cogent thought process that allows you to unpick the amount of obfuscation and lies the public are being fed at the moment.

Here are some of my favourites:

i) We're all in the same boat: We're not all in the same boat. We're all in the same storm. It's just that those of us with bigger and more well-equipped boats have a much better chance of avoiding capsizing, sinking and drowning. It's like austerity. We were all in the same boat then. And remember how that disparity played out between the haves and the have nots.

ii) PPE shortage: The way we've basically left NHS staff to function without enough PPE is disgusting. The way we've not helped supply care homes with PPE and seen the pandemic spread at an increased rate through many of these should be a source of national shame. How can the fifth richest economy in the world not be able to manufacture this? I recently interviewed somebody making PPE. He talked about how the manufacturing base of the UK has been decimated for the last 30-40 years. So I accept that is one factor. But emails going missing and UK companies offering to make PPE and not getting a response from Government is appalling.

iii) It's just like the war, isn't it? This was a war we could have been much better prepared for. The Lancet published an article at the end of January that predicted pretty much everything that would happen if this pandemic spread. Exercise Cygnus, a modelling operation Theresa May's government conducted in 2016 on a pandemic coming from Asia, predicted pretty much the same outcomes. If this was a war and we'd ignored the threat of the enemy to this extent, you'd have to assume the generals had been in the chateau several miles behind enemy lines, ignoring the constant incoming shells and getting pissed for the last three months.

iv) They're all heroes! This is difficult one to argue because anyone who risks their lives to protect other people is a hero in my book. We've also had the frankly amazing Captain Tom Moore, the former British Army Officer who's raised a staggering £31million and counting for the NHS by walking in his garden. The hero narrative is a seductive one. But one of the lines a nurse said in a recent Panorama, which investigated whether the Government was negligent in its efforts to secure PPE equipment, stuck with me. To paraphrase: 'If we're seen as heroes, it makes it easier for people to accept us dying in the line of duty.' So NHS workers are heroes. But, make no mistake, they are also victims who are dying fighting a disease that we should have been better prepared to fight. They need functional equipment and pragmatic support, not epitaphs.

v) Freedom of the press: part I: As a journalist, it's been pretty horrifying to watch The Sun and The Daily Mail largely carve out a news agenda that fails to question even the most basic failings of the Government. The job of a journalist is to ask questions. Some of them may be uncomfortable, but that's how we land at fact and not spin. It's true that a few of their front pages have offered some criticism, but that only gives the illusion that they're putting Boris Johnson and chums under scrutiny. For the large part, their on-message sycophancy would shame media outlets in North Korea. The fact one Sunday Times journalist was also banned from asking questions at a Government briefing after the paper ran an expose on its handling of the crisis would also shame a tinpot dictatorship. 

vi) Freedom of the press: part II: On the plus side, the abject failure of much of the mainstream press has meant I've shopped around more than usual for my news input. The BBC has its issues, but it remains OK as long as you consider its right-wing leanings. Yes, Laura Kuenssberg, I mean you and others like you. The Guardian and The Mirror have done some sterling reporting and I've also become a fan of Novara Media and Ash Sarker. Looking at how the UK is viewed by other countries is also a healthy exercise. Quite worryingly, though, it's political satire shows such as The Mash Report that seem to have the most balanced view. At least they have the decency to base their satire on verifiable fact.

vii) We're following the science: Science usually involves closely observing phenomena, drawing conclusions from those observation, then assembling the data and forming a coherent argument or plan based on that data. That's how science works. If the UK Government was following the science, it would not have ignored the findings of Exercise Cygnus and it would not have ignored the many articles in The Lancet predicting pretty much everything that has come to pass. It would also have examined the manner in which the disease spread through Asia and Europe and taken best practice examples of how to deal with it when it finally landed on UK shores. Instead, we got 'herd immunity' and, even worse, the potential placement of government advisor Dominic Cummings sitting in and contributing to SAGE (Scientific Advisory Group for Emergencies) meetings. The vague possibility the presentation of the science could have been shaped to fulfil a political agenda beggars belief.

After writing this. I need another drink...