Saturday, July 22, 2006

Snooker Loopy!

Went to have a knockabout with a chum from work at a pool club in town because I’ve recently joined a pool team out of a club called JFK’s in Peckham. So I’m quite keen to get some practice in and pot a few balls.

My first trip to JFK’s saw me get off the train and walk out of the station to be confronted by an ageing rasta who made the following offer:

‘You want some weed, man?’
‘No thank-you.’
‘You don’t want any weed, man?’ he asked looking perplexed.
‘No. I don’t smoke.’
‘So you don’t want any weed at all, man?’
‘No thank-you.’

He shook his head and walked away, tutting, as though I was the one who was odd for not accepting a kind offer to buy drugs from a total stranger at 6pm in the evening in broad daylight on a main high street.

This, however, was nothing compared to my trip with my work chum.

On entering our local club in town we learnt my membership had expired so I had to renew this. Sadly the lovely German chap Herman who runs the place was using a quiet afternoon to train a new member of staff called Myers. And he was useless.

My friend and I grabbed a table and started playing only to have our game interrupted by snatches of shouted conversation from the bar.

‘I am ordering a pint of Coke so press Coke and Pint on the till.’
‘OK…’ Press, press, till roll rotating.
‘So how much is that?
Pause.
‘£1.40?’
‘No.’
‘£1.50?’
‘No. How much does the till say?’
‘£2.00?’
‘So how much is a pint of Coke?’
‘£1.40?”
‘No!’

This went on for an hour and it just got worse for poor old Myers, especially when Herman tried to explain the workings of the bandits and the poker machines.

I fear for the place as me and my Other Woman have spent many pleasurable evenings in there after hapkido.

Sadly it may be bankrupt by the time I return from holiday…

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Beach Bum!


Above is where I’ll be for two weeks. Apartment on the beach in Portugal. Bloody lovely…

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Book 'im Danno!


I left work early last night in a very grumpy mood as my body has developed yet more niggling injuries.

I went back to Hapkido in the morning but had managed to rip muscles in my chest the previous night so I couldn’t train properly, then it was a press day – which is never a good thing when you are the last line of defence between your magazine and embarrassing mistakes or potential libel suits.

So I decided to cheer myself up and buy some holiday reading and spent a very pleasurable hour wandering around Waterstones. The sort of hour of indulgence you sometimes really need, whether it’s for books or clothes or whatever floats your boat.

Now I utterly adore bookshops but I am increasingly realising there are so many great books I will never read. This is outweighed by the amount of good books I will read, though, so a recent discovery via a friend like Rupert Thompson, who wrote a fascinating novel called The Book Of Revelation, is a major boon.

And I think I am quite taken with a Japanese writer called Banana Yoshimoto who I will start to read soonish. And Michael Chabon and Joe R Lansdale both have new books due too.

Then, of course, away from the fiction is the history and politics section which is always worth a browse. And the biography section too. And the crime and horror sections. And the drama sections…

In fact an hour wasn’t long enough really but I am now furnished with holiday reading aplenty so Portugal here I come! Reading, swimming, eating – and a bit of writing thrown in too.

And the missus and the boy as well. Bloody lovely…

Monday, July 17, 2006

When Goths Go Bad…

The missus is telling me off…

‘I just think it’s really churlish. You’ve joined a dating website with no intention of going on any dates and now you’ve created this ridiculous picture to further take the piss out of them…’
‘I just wanted to be Goth Model of the Month…’
‘Goth Model of the Month? Rubbish… You’re ripping into people to keep yourself amused.’
‘Ripping into them? They’re my own flesh and blood…’
‘You are not a Goth.’
‘I am in spirit…’
‘You listen to Gene Pitney! Look they may be Goths and therefore worthy of ridicule but they are people too. You could upset somebody…’
‘And if they get upset they’ll be miserable. Then they’ll be even more Goth. It’s a sort of community service, really…’
‘You’re an idiot…’

Thursday, July 13, 2006

Snappy Days...

The boy is on work experience with a photographer chum and he’s having an absolute ball.

My worry, however, is that he will now become convinced that every working day involves taking snaps of celebs or being treated to agreeable dinners in pleasant eateries.

The good news, though, is that he has discovered he likes photography and he’s already arranging work experience for the summer holidays and learning how to use Photoshop so he can manipulate images.

Who knows, he may follow in the footsteps of his uncle (www.simonharsent.com) and make a career out of it.

In fact he is so enthused that he asked me to carry on training in the garden a few nights ago so he could take some snaps and experiment with his camera. I obliged – until I pulled a muscle in my leg.

This is why the shots start off aggressive then end with me holding an ice-pack on my leg.




At least he found it amusing…

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Table Mountain…

My pool room is finally no more. The pool table departed Tuesday morning in the company of two friends who bought it from me and promised to give it a good home.

Getting it from the large bedroom, across the landing, down the stairs and out of the house was no mean feat and my back and arms and the backs and arms of three chums all bear painful testimony to the struggles of domestic pool table extraction.

It was with mixed feelings I watched the van bearing it to its new home pull away as now I will have to go out to practice. But I wanted the house back to normal.

The missus, of course, was delighted to see the back of the sodding thing and she spent several hours dancing a merry jig around our empty-but-soon-to-be-redecorated-and-reclaimed master bedroom.

But at least the makeweight in the deal was that I could claim my office back. So my pool game may go on the slide but I should at least be writing something very good very soon.

I hope…

Monday, July 10, 2006

Picture Perfect...

The missus thinks I am obsessed but I now have a new ambition – and that’s to be crowned the gothicmatch.com Goth Model of the Month!

Sadly I am neither Goth nor model material so one of my art desk chums took a picture of me in the office then weaved his art magic on it.

I think the transformation is spectacular. It’s a definite winner but judge for yourself…

Before

After

Friday, July 07, 2006

One Year On…

As one of the people nearly caught up in the Edgware Road blast (myself and the missus were one stop away when we had to get out of the train – boarding a train three minutes earlier and it would have been us) the date 7/7 has added significance in the family calendar.

The boy could have lost two out of his three parents, the girl could have been a widow, I could have been a widower. It doesn’t bear thinking about but we did start to catch separate trains into work for the next week or so.

It’s still something I ponder every day, though…

But something to also ponder every day is the fact that a bunch of young men can have their minds filled with so much hatred that they see acts like this as legitimate warfare.

The 50-odd lives that were lost was a barbaric death toll, but it’s no more barbaric than the Iraqi civilian death toll (anywhere between 20,000 and 200,000 depending on what you read) caused by our latest war in Iraq.

It’s also no more barbaric than the estimated 500,000 Iraqis who have died through malnutrition brought about by the food blockade against Iraq that the British government enforced since the first Gulf War.

And it’s also no more barbaric than the massive increase in cancer and birth abnormalities caused to Iraqi children brought about by the use of depleted uranium shells in Southern Iraq after the first Gulf War that have still not been cleaned up.

I don’t defend the action of suicide bombers in any way but they’re not the only terrorists in this equation. The British government are terror mongers too and all their actions are doing is ensuring events like 7/7 will be the norm rather than the exception.

And yet certain right-wing rags genuinely can’t see that breeding yet more mistrust and hatred is not helping to solve the problem.

There are times I am ashamed of my profession…

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Black To The Future...


The wife is in full flow…

‘You’ve done what? I can’t believe I married you sometimes! You are a retard…’
‘But I made it perfectly clear I wasn’t on the market.’
‘The thought of infidelity is not the problem here. It’s the fact that you’ve actually joined the bloody thing in the first place… I have married a 100 per cent bonafide freak…’
‘Is he bigger than me?’
‘Christ…’

After having chanced upon the dating site for Goths (gothicmatch.com) last week, I decided to join so I could access the more interesting bits of the site.

In my defence I made it perfectly clear that I was not in the market for any funny business as I was a happily married man. Remarkably the missus isn’t bothered at the prospect of Goth adultery (‘They can bloody have you!’) but is disturbed by the fact I am increasingly drawn to this particular phase from my youth and is concerned I will start to dress in black and wear eyeliner.

I have told her she has nothing to fear and, even if I did go down the eyeliner route, she has no worries about me borrowing hers as she doesn’t do make-up. But I think she’s still worried…

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

The Chuckle Brothers…



I started a pointless discussion at work the other day as I wanted to know how the Chuckle Brothers (‘From me…’ ‘To you…’) made the discovery that they were gifted children’s entertainers.

Was it a vocational thing, did they come up through the holiday camp circuit or did they suddenly realise that the market for comedy Hitler impersonators had dried up and they had to find work elsewhere?

It’s not perplexing me yet but it may do soon…

I had a similar problem a while ago when discussing the difference between a dwarf and a midget and this had me puzzled for a good month until I hit upon the answer.

So any help on the Chuckle Brothers question will win a prize.

Probably. If you work near me, live near me, do hapkido with me or play pool with me…

Otherwise if I turn up on your doorstep with flowers you may think I’m a bit of a stalker…

Monday, July 03, 2006

Portuguese Team Talk

On good authority I understand that this is how the pre-match team talk before Portugal played England went in the Portugal dressing room:

'Right. The English team won't realise that we dive and go looking for fouls at every opportunity because Sven won't have thought to warn them so it's business as usual, lads. Do your best Greg Louganis.'

'Also they have an educationally subnormal Scouser up front who has major temper issues so wind him up whenever you can because sooner or later he'll forget it's the World Cup and he'll descend into behaving like a lager-fuelled neanderthal thug outside a provincial nightclub at 2am in the morning.'

'And don't worry if it goes to a penalty shootout lads because they think conviction and power are new types of car.'

You read it here first...

Saturday, July 01, 2006

England Expects…

It’s hard work following England. The press builds them up into world beaters then the buggers only go and let you down on the field time and time again…

If my relationship with England was a marriage it would be so abusive and one-sided with me giving them support and them giving nothing back that no divorce lawyer in the country would defend the object of my affections and loyalty when it came to a split. Even if they were offered loads of cash.

Take today’s game against Portugal. In a World Cup populated by largely mediocre teams, England had a genuine chance to win the sodding thing. The whole thing too. And properly. Like outright. And I believed in them yet again.

But the so-called ‘golden generation’ didn’t get gold and now won’t even be in the fight for bronze.

Basically lots of big names with bigger salaries didn’t live up to their billing and the nation mourns yet another glorious defeat. And as for the Manchester United thug who was sent off for committing an assault that would have got him arrested if it had happened on the street… How galling is that?

But if the country pins its hopes to a brutish retard what do you expect.

Gutted...