Why The Fast and the Furious is Better Than Shakespeare…

I quite like some Shakespeare plays. It’s mainly the big, more mature works that I like, such as King Lear, Antony and Cleopatra, Macbeth, Hamlet, etc, but I do often feel it’s a cultural stick that literature-loving people hit less literature-loving people with. And, if the less literature-loving people don’t like being hit with that stick, that somehow makes them intellectually inferior or a bit thick. 

They’re not. They just aren’t massively interested in plays that are 400 years old and the product of a commercial writer, who’s been moulded into a heritage icon by various literary institutions and academics in the last 100 or so years. 

In fact, the only people I know who really, really like Shakespeare tend to be actors, who see performing it as the height of their professional lives because they get to mouth elegant and archaic poetry, and directors, who use their interpretation of a particular play, to put their artistic marker down. As a one-time theatre director, I have certainly been guilty of the latter in the past. It’s can sometimes be good or it can sometimes be a bit self-indulgent. I’ve seen both.

I’ve also sat through too many bad productions of Shakespeare plays to know that not everyone should be allowed to produce Shakespeare plays. It takes a cast and crew of real quality to make them work and breathe enough life into them to make them entertaining and relevant. Because, let’s be frank, the jokes don’t translate particularly well, while the physical comedy and oft-repeated identity swap slapstick is only just OK. Those same Bard-lovers, however, would criticise the same gag on Mrs Brown’s Boys.

All of which brings us to The Fast and the Furious (TFTF) movie series.

This is now on film number eight in the series of a planned ten. I am a late-comer to the franchise but I am genuinely wowed by it. The latest film has also become the highest-grossing film of all time. It is a worldwide smash.

Sadly, I have yet to see number eight but I have seen the previous seven and I am slowly becoming convinced that they are better than anything Shakespeare ever did. And here’s why…

i) Themes: Bard-lovers often talk about the universality of themes in Shakespeare plays: ambition in Julius Caesar and Macbeth, pride in King Lear, jealousy in Othello, indecision in Hamlet, etc. TFTF series has these themes, too, and it also throws in betrayal, loyalty, love and a whole host of others that also feature in Shakespeare plays. But it does them much quicker, which is better for busy people who don’t have three hours to listen to a whining Dane who should make up his mind.

ii) Action: Most of the big set piece battles or other scenes in Shakespeare plays happen off-stage. So there are a few sword fights here and there, but most of the cool, action stuff is usually reported and left to the imagination of the theatre-goer. Unless it is a film version. But the problem even with the film versions is that the language is so old that the description doesn’t always translate. Take Enobarbus’ speech describing Cleopatra getting off a barge in Antony and Cleopatra. It’s evocative and full of beautiful poetry, but it is very, very long. The Fast and the Furious just do the scene and mainly let the action speak for itself. Did Shakespeare ever have an ambulance crashing into a military drone after a high-speed car chase through a tunnel? No. Would a description of that scene in an archaic tongue be better than the actual scene itself? Would it buggery!

iii) Music: There are a few songs in Shakespeare plays, but they’re generally quite melancholy affairs, such as Feste’s song, Hey-ho, the Wind and the Rain, in Twelfth Night. Most experts also suggest that the music in Elizabethan and Jacobean theatre would be incidental music to set mood, etc. So we can assume it was hackneyed stuff that was nothing to write home about. All TFTF films, however, include what I am reliably informed by young people can only be described as banging soundtracks. They compliment and support the action because of the excellent sound editing technology. There was also no hip-hop in the Shakespeare plays. Loser!

iv) Feminism: Shakespeare plays were so sexist that women were not allowed to play women on stage. If they did so, they were seen as a bit slaggy or immoral. So blokes took the great female roles of Juliet, Lady Macbeth, Cleopatra, Gertrude, Ophelia, Goneril, etc. The whole world of Shakespearean theatre was well sexist. In the world of TFTF, however, women play women’s roles and there are quite a lot of actresses. The likes of Michelle Rodriquez, Gina Carano, Jordana Brewster, Nathalie Emmanuel, Gal Gadot and Ronda Rowsey also kick all sorts of arse. It is true that lots of extras wear very little so the feminist argument may lose some ground here. But what are folk supposed to wear in hot climates? Overcoats? That would look equally ridiculous…

v) Returning characters: It’s true that a few characters do return in Shakespeare plays. Sir John Falstaff appeared in both parts of Henry IV and got the star role in The Merry Wives of Windsor, while Mark Antony and Octavius Caesar both turned up in Julius Caesar and Antony and Cleopatra. But the return of guest characters is not a major feature in Shakespeare plays. TFTF films series has lots of them, though, and their reappearance is both familiar and allows for the continuations of previous story arcs. It’s franchise genius. Imagine things getting really shit for King Lear then man of action Fortinbras turns up to help him kick the crap of Edmund and he saves Cordelia, too. That would be better than the grief-fest ending the play currently has. Or how about Lady Macbeth ventures south to give Goneril tips on being an ambitious bitch? Shakespeare plays would be better if popular characters could return.

So. In conclusion, TFTF film series kicks the granny out of anything Shakespeare ever did.

PS. There are also cars in TFTF franchise, too. But I don’t like about cars, so it’s not worth discussing. But these films do have more cars than Shakespeare plays so that would be a win for people who do like cars.

Training Martial Arts When Injured…

So far, it’s been a year of constant lower-body injuries. On the plus side, I am trying to retain some form of martial arts training while doing what I can to give myself the best chance of healing up.

So here’s some things I have learnt both recently and through 15 years of picking up various knocks, strains, breaks and pains.

DISCLAIMER: Please bear in mind I am not a medical professional. The following are my thoughts on retaining some form of training programme if the injury is not severe. If the injury is severe, then stop training and don’t start again until you are properly diagnosed and told that you can by somebody suitably qualified. This does not include your mate who has access to Google or some homeopathy twat who thinks they can heal cancer with a twig.

Rant over. Here’s some things I have learnt about training with injuries:

i) You can always train something!

Most injuries – even really bad ones – will allow movement in some part of your body. So you may no longer be able to perform tornado roundhouse kicks or spider guard drills ad infinitum because they require too much body movement. You may be able to slowly drill a front kick or an armbar, though. I broke some floating ribs a few years ago and that was very limiting in terms of movement, so I watched technique videos, did grip strengthening exercises and played with standing wrist locks until I healed up. It kept me occupied and I even learnt some stuff. I also didn’t fully stagnate.

ii) You don’t have to miss classes!

I currently train in two martial arts, one for 15 years and the other for five, and I’ve also boxed for a couple of years. I’d never claim to be a world-beater at any of them, but one of the great things about all the places I've trained is that injured students are welcome. And that’s particularly true of the martial arts schools. Both my hapkido and my BJJ instructors will quite happily work around me and my injuries, and it’s the same with my fellow students. Can’t do spectacular aerial falls any more when that’s what everyone else is doing? Fine. Do something else. Or just watch that bit of the class, then take part in the bit you can do.

iii) You don’t have to miss classes!

This is not a cut and paste error. It’s a continuation of the previous point broken up for page aesthetics. If your injury is so severe that you can’t make it on the mats, then there is another option. Sit on the sidelines and watch a class and analyse what’s going on. It gives you a different perspective and you’d be surprised what you can learn by actively watching other students. It also means you're not distanced from the environment and, for me, one of the worst things about any long-term injury is that it can distance you from the environment, not just in physical terms but also in mental terms. This way, you're at least involved in some capacity and you’ll be less worried about coming back because you haven’t really been away.

iv) Listen to your body!

The human body is an amazingly complex organic machine, honed over (depending on your point of view) millions of years of evolution and the process of natural selection… or some deity who likes smiting, dislikes homosexuals and sits on a cloud. The body has a beautiful system of pain receptors and neurons that fire pain messages to the brain. So don’t think you can ‘man up’ and train through these messages if they are repeatedly registering. One injury can often lead to another because the body is compensating for the bit of it that doesn’t work at the moment. Do not make matters worse by letting your ego override the clear messages that something else is wrong. Stop it idiot!

v) Strapping!

Supports, strapping and taping is something I’ve had to get quite good at over the past decade and a bit, and the science behind it is now much more widely available thanks to the inter-web-net. Finding a way to support an injury can make the difference between training and not training. This is something that’s definitely worth exploring if you haven’t done so. Just make sure it’s a credible source giving the advice. Please see earlier comment about Doctor Google and homeopathy frauds. A nettle and a vial of wee cannot cure a fucking brain tumour. Cousin JimBob’s YouTube channel where he shows you how to wrap a calf strain with a bloody rag, then he introduces you to his wife and his mum who are the same person, is probably not as good as a more recognised expert either.

I think that’s about it. The only other thing I would add is not to give up hope or get too frustrated. I’ve had bad injuries and I know many people who’ve had much worse injuries. If training is the thing, then injuries are only a thing. They are part and parcel of martial arts training and most martial arts students I have had the pleasure of training alongside for any length of time have an injury story.

So work out what you can do and do what you can do, but don’t push too hard and too fast.

That is also excellent advice for sexual injuries, too. But I am a multi-tasker.

Foot Drop: Part V...

Another day and another fucking foot injury. This time, it's on my working foot and it's called planta fasciitis, which is fucking agony. It's basically acute heel pain and it feels like somebody is stabbing the nerve that runs under your foot with a Stanley knife.

On the plus side, this should only be bad for a few weeks then it should slowly start to heal, so at least it shouldn't be too bad for too long. It just means I have to concentrate on walking. This is very strange because walking is a thing you take for granted.

I was bemoaning my feet injuries to the Other Woman and explaining how it meant I was a bit of a grumpy fucker at home. I also pointed out I don't want the Missus to be lumbered with 'a spastic who drags her down'.

It was at this point that the Other Woman pointed out: 'But she already is!'

And I was so nice about her not needing to lose weight. It's the last time that happens.