The problem with Ed Miliband is that we’re supposed to believe he’s a credible world statesman, a politician who can represent Britain and British interests on the world stage.
And it’s not like he has a huge weight of expectation on his shoulders either: the last two Labour Prime Ministers were Tony Blair and Gordon Brown, one of them a war criminal, and the other a Scottish man who was so unpopular that God produced a Biblical flood to wipe him out.
The other problem with Miliband is that in a world where media image is increasingly important, he has a look of continual befuddlement, like he just doesn’t understand what is going on and what his part in it is.
Drink a pint, Ed. He looks ridiculous. Eat a bacon sandwich, Ed. He looks ridiculous. Look like a normal bloke, Ed. He looks ridiculous. Kidnap George Osbourne, dress him in rubber, put you in a Gingham dress, then simulate sex acts with each other in the window of Selfridges on Oxford Street, Ed. He still looks ridiculous. He can’t even get those basic things right.
Ed Miliband just doesn’t look the part. A world statesman? You have to be joking! Running the country? Please! He’d look out of his depth as the assistant manager of the tie department of Grace Brothers in Are You Being Served. Right? Probably. But that's also because we're obsessed with how he looks and how he comes across in the media.
Because unless you want another five years of repugnant, privileged, wealth-shitting former Etonians like Cameron and Osbourne, people who view any form of compassion for the poor like it was a turd that won’t flush in the bowl of the only fully functioning toilet at a dinner party for oligarchs, then you have to put all those media-contructed opinions about Miliband presenting themselves as facts aside and vote for him.
Because if it’s a choice between people who blatantly don’t care for anyone except their rich mates, or a bloke who clearly does care but just looks a bit crap doing it in front of a camera, then I know which one I will be voting for.
And it’s not that smug cunt, David Cameron.