I watched a documentary on porn star Ron Jeremy last night (purely in the interests of research for my Chunky Shaft TV project, of course) and I think he’s quite a dude. He may look like he used to be an 8ft-tall man whose body and features have been squished to half their normal size, but he’s self-effacing, funny and is under no illusions about the business he is in. He’s also had sex with a jaw-dropping 4000-plus women – and if a little chubster like him can do it then there’s obviously hope for anyone out there.
(That is unless you happen to be any TV or theatre producer who rejects my scripts, of course. Not only does a curse of no-between-the-sheets-action-ever await you but you will also be forced to an eternity of watching far uglier and less interesting people than yourselves go at it like rabbits to really rub salt into the enforced celibacy wound. Don’t say you weren’t warned... )
What made my TV viewing such a bizarre experience last night, though, was watching The Farm which was on before on five (or Channel Five before it was rebranded with fewer words and capital letters – there must be a shortage around the Long Acre area of London where the company is based) then watching the Ron Jeremy documentary.
The Farm is about the lowest of the low when it comes to reality TV and my only previous sighting of this show was last week when Keith Harris was on his way to a family funeral and was carrying on a conversation with his famous glove puppet Orville as he prepared to inter a relative. Unsettling was not a strong enough word...
But it was bizarre watching The Farm and then watching Ron Jeremy in action among various thighs because of the other people involved in both shows.
Both featured vacuous bimbos who seemed convinced that appearing in their respective vehicles would further their careers and both shows also featured utter dunces trying desperately to justify their appearances in front of the cameras using all manner of spurious bullshit. Not one ever simply admitted ‘I know I’m getting f***ed and this role will tarnish my reputation and career for ever but I’m actually just doing it for the money.’
Well, nobody apart from Ron who went further up in my estimation by admitting this on both shows...
The Farm only has another few days to run and I am currently praying that some of the animals involved develop a mean streak and start lashing out at (a) the idiotic blonde girls, (b) that utter personality vacuum whose used to be with Jessie Wallace and (c) the young bloke with the tattoos.
Ron and Keith can stay and split the prize money. God knows they deserve it for putting up with that lot!
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