Rock Bottom

One of the in-laws is an actress and she’s just got a job in a stage version of Little Women. Before she went to the audition I advised her to cut off her legs below the knees and suggest a version entirely staffed by female members of the vertically challenged community to the producers. A Little Women by little women. Brilliant I thought! Sadly she ignored me.

You see women just have a different outlook on things...

In fact I had another example of the strange and mystical ways of women this morning when I was getting ready to go out. I asked my missus if I looked OK in my black linen trousers, green dragon t-shirt and blue hoody and she replied with a rhyme that went like this:

‘Blue and green
Should never be seen
Without a colour
In between.’

I was stunned that my missus was quoting poetry to me before 9am (or before any time for that matter) but this is apparently a fashion rule that all women know – and men don’t know. Ever.

Later in the day at work I was also confronted with another woman mind trap when myself and two work colleagues got onto the subject of arses. I mentioned that my arse and my legs were the features most former girlfriends had most frequently praised and my female colleague said that she had a slightly saggy arse.

At one point I would have walked straight into this trap and replied that she had a great arse and she be proud of it. In fact I would probably have gone so far as to say that it should be the centrepiece of a travelling arse carnival where people could look at it and pass comments such as ‘That arse is lovelier and more wholesome than a breakfast of toasted muffins and jam.’

But I kept my counsel as I now know that any positive response about the state of her arse may have had me categorised as some type of arse-staring sex freak.

So I decided to keep quiet...

But the problem with keeping quiet, of course, is that this can be interpreted as a negative response to her saggy arse comment which would be interpreted as agreement that she has a saggy arse. And in terms of friendly relations this would be the same thing as pissing in her coffee and offering her an excrement croissant.

So I countered with a male tactic and went to the pub. I am a strategic genius.