I am a sex addict. A moment hardly passes without some random sexually depraved thought entering my head. My condition can be triggered by a man or a woman and sometimes they don’t even have to be alive (like Carol Thatcher) to give me lewd thoughts. In fact it’s getting so bad that when either of the cats at home jump up on the bed when I’m dozing they are taking several of their nine lives in to their paws because they may get penetrated to death by my subconscious actions!
This, of course, is a lie (the cats move too quickly when I try to grab them) but sex addiction is apparently a proper disorder and people are treated for it. Honest! Of course it’s usually high-profile stars like Michael Douglas who get sex addiction treatment but now even the common folk are getting in on the act.
Last night’s The Dark Side Of Modern Love season on Channel 4 featured the documentary Sex Addict, which followed a married couple embarking on a quest to deal with hubby Mark’s all-consuming sexual compulsion.
Mark’s addiction had got so bad that he was spending thousands of dollars on phone sex chat lines, shagging several other women and even cranking his handle up to three times per day every day. And wife Connie was understandably quite (pardon the unfortunate choice of words) jacked off by all this. For a start it was costing her a fortune in tissues…
So our not-so-loving couple visited a sex therapist, himself a recovering addict of 18 years, where a mix of goofball psychology, religious instruction and hitting things with a cushion apparently helped him get better and her deal with her anger over his behaviour.
It was both bizarre and pitiful to watch and you’ve got to wonder:
a) Why she put up with it;
b) How he got away with it;
c) Why they agreed to make a TV show about it and expose their humiliation to the telly-watching world.
But I guess it takes all sorts. Just ask Mark – and our cats...
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