Rejection Theory!

My missus is convinced that I have an ego the size of a house (think a big house like the White House) and I readily admit that I am the possessor of a self-confidence that can sometimes border on arrogance were it not for my ability to also self-deprecate at most opportunities.

For example:
Wife: ‘You’re so arrogant!’
Me: ‘That’s because I’m great!’
Wife: ‘You’ve got a small cock though!’
Me: ‘Well thank god it never works so I don’t have to worry about it!’

Sadly, though, even my bullet-proof ego does have weaknesses and the fear of rejection is one of them and this is a fear I’ve had to face in the past few days as my dream job went somewhere else instead of in my back pocket.

My first reaction was to mutter ‘Arse biscuits’ in a depressed manner but then my trusty ego kicked in and it was a case ‘Sod ‘em. Their loss!’ Now I have convinced myself that I wouldn’t have wanted to work there any way. I am even considering a protest outside their building to dissuade anyone else from ever wanting to work for them. Ever. So I’m not bitter about it. At all.

The main problem, of course, with trying to work my way in the worlds of journalism and theatre and TV writing is that rejection is a constant feature. And even worse than that there is quite often a wait of several months until the thanks-but-no-thanks letter lands on the carpet. To add insult to injury it now seems everyone I meet has a TV show or a drama script to hawk around so their ambition coupled with an obvious selfishness and lack of thought for me increases my chances of rejection too.

Fortunately I have a theory that everyone has a finite number of bad things that can happen to them and rejections are included in this finite number. One of my cousins with the delightful soubriquet ‘Mamba’ operated on this principle and he figured that if he asked out 100 women one of them would be desperate enough to eventually say ‘Yes!’ because he couldn’t be rejected 100 times out of 100.

So taking this idea on board I now plan to apply for a variety of hugely salaried and totally unsuitable jobs and send out blank scripts to any prospective takers. These will obviously be rejected out of hand but, and here’s the clever bit, I figure that by doing this I will use up my allocated number of rejections sooner and so get onto the acceptance letters quicker.

It’s a plan, Stan!