Pocket-sized pop god Prince said ‘I’ve seen the future and it will be. I’ve seen the future and it works!’ Well I’ve seen the future and it bloody well doesn’t...
My moment of prescience came on Sunday morning when I was in bed with the missus. We had a weekend sans boy so we were enjoying a lazy morning lounging around and one of us flicked the TV on.
On Saturday mornings this can be quite entertaining as it can throw up various kids shows on BBC1 or ITV1 with some C List celeb getting gunked or we can even catch the cookery strand with Anthony Worrall-Thompson on BBC2.
The latter is a particular joy if you’re feeling tired or hungover as it’s a real pick-me-up to see someone that ugly on TV and you suddenly feel much better about yourself. I also read an erotic but very sad story once about a red-headed and well-hung bearded dwarf who travelled to rich-but-sexually-unfulfilled ladies in 19th-century Eastern Europe and sated their needs, and it was a squashed-up version of Thompson I always pictured in this role so he also acts as something of an aphrodisiac as far as I’m concerned too. Only on Saturdays, though...
But Sunday morning TV has none of these pleasures and you really are taking you life in your hands if you have a dabble. There are trendied-up religious shows and the talent-free zone that is Hollyoaks. But my latest discovery made even the Chester-set soap look like one of Chekhov’s finest moments...
The ITV website tells us the basic premise of Rock Around The Block is that ‘two families are transformed into pop heroes in just 48 hours by a team of experts from the world of hip-hop, dance and fashion. The kids are left cringing as parents practice their moves in a bid to win the £5,000 cash prize.’ But even the best wordsmiths at ITV really can’t do it justice...
Yesterday’s show saw one family learn the words and dance routine to the B-52s’ Love Shack while another boogied along to the sounds of Sir Mix-a-Lot, who is a rapper of some description. The show lasted for an hour. I lasted five minutes before running from the bedroom screaming, although I did return 20 minutes later to make sure I really did see it and it wasn’t part of some bad dream or waking nightmare.
But it wasn’t. Instead it was a part of the ITV1 Sunday schedule. I thought this channel had hit rock bottom with Celebrity Love Island and Celebrity Wrestling but this show is a new low. If all the TV executives in the world pooled their worst-ever ideas (Dachau: The Musical, Tsunami: The Sitcom, etc) and moulded them together it would not be anywhere near as bad as this.
ITV celebrates 50 years of broadcasting this year and you’d have thought someone somewhere would have the sense to can certain bottom-of-the-barrel ideas like this. Even if only for a year...
But the channel that brought us World In Action, First Tuesday, Corrie and Prime Suspect is heading downhill so fast that stopping the decline seems unavoidable, and when it crashes and burns as it obviously must wreck investigators will find a schedule full of shows with ‘ordinary folk’ living their dreams and getting their 15 minutes of fame.
I’ve seen the future and it will be. God help us...
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