Lost !

The survivors in C4’s new glossy and imported US uber-drama Lost can’t really be all that bright. They’re all wandering around a desert island desperate to find a means of contact with the outside world and they all consistently ignore the film crew chronicling their every move right under their nose. Must be post-traumatic stress disorder – or they’re just idiots...

The much-hyped Lost is basically a load of old hokum about a bunch of air crash survivors trying to cope with life on a mysterious desert island. The plot revolves around the group working out how to survive both the island and each other while the viewer is fed titbits of information about their lives pre-crash each week. In terms of giving Lost a multi-layered narrative this works OK but unless more starts happening I’ll be rooting for the giant polar bears that seem to inhabit the island eating all the survivors and curtailing the show so Channel 4 can put something more interesting on.

But bearing in mind Channel 4’s idea of interesting is the piss-poor Big Brother and several other equally woeful reality TV shows then sticking with Lost may be no bad thing.

The only thing potentially more scary than the giant polar bears or the prospect of another series of Big Brother is Donald Trump’s hair. The astoundingly coifffured one was back in The Apprentice US last night as both teams of wannabe business moguls had to present an advertising campaign designed to recruit cadets to the New York Police Department. An utter halfwit named Elizabeth was fired at the end of last night’s show after deciding potential police officers would be impressed if they were portrayed as the guardians of a police state. But have no fear as there are still of plenty of dopes to choose from and buffoons to despise.

The appeal of the show, though, is becoming more about Carolyn Kepcher for me. Carolyn is the tiny-mouthed acid queen who works alongside Trump and helps judge the contestants. She’s the sort of woman who could impersonate an iceberg and she has a stare that could petrify (as in turn to stone rather than just scare a bit) the combined might of the Green Berets and the SAS. Whenever she opens her mouth to pass judgement I can feel the temperature in our living room drop several degrees. She’s truly wonderful to behold.

If I wasn’t already married (and if I had a huge streak of sado-masochism) this could be love...