Money, Money, Money…

Want money? And I don’t mean a few quid here and there. I am talking major bucks. The sort of dignity-stripping amount of money that would make a basque-clad Donald Trump bugger livestock to death in front of an arena of snapping paparazzi. Yes. That much…

Then look no further because I am now seeking fellow investors for a sure-fire money-making venture. The plan is to launch a new TV channel called TNT (Thick Northerner Television) and populate the screen with programmes full of idiotic northerners who are either grotesquely fat, laughably unfashionable, living in pigsty-style homes or badly in debt. Then we simply have a bunch of lifestyle gurus (obviously non-northern but southern and Celtic is OK) come in and sort them out.

The less media-savvy among you may think this is a non-starter but take a look through the TV schedules and you’ll see it’s already happening in shows like How Clean Is Your House, You Are What You Eat and 10 Years Younger. So the great beauty of TNT is that it’s cashing in on something that’s already with us so there’s no development money needed.

All myself and the other shareholders do is make TV shows like these and at the same time create a talent agency and sign up all the stupid, fat, untidy, unfashionable and lazy northerners everywhere and, bingo, TNT suddenly has a monopoly on both the shows and their subjects.

Then if the TV companies want to play ball they’ll have to submit to our demands. These will obviously include cake and cocaine besides cold, hard cash but then, and this is the real beauty of it, we’ll have a whole new raft of shows for TNT like When Northern TV Moguls Go Bad And Get Addicted To Cocaine And Cake.

It’s genius and one of the first shows on the TNT hit-list is undoubtedly Moneyspinners on BBC 1. As I’m now on holiday I am enjoying the delights of daytime TV and this, or possibly the utterly dreadful chat show Loose Women (or Out-of-work Actresses Talk Shit For 60 Minutes as the missus calls it) on ITV 1, is my highlight so far.

Moneyspinners really is in a class of its own. Today’s show featured a family from Newcastle who had financial problems as they were basically spending more money than was coming in to the household. So enter presenter Lorne Spicer who gave them astounding advice along the lines of ‘Spend less money and keep the bit you don’t spend so you have savings…’ And that was basically it – stretched over a whole painful hour…

So really, how hard can making a telly programme be? Considering Lorne Spicer’s got a TV show out of a premise this simple I reckon TNT is a sure-fire winner.

So any takers?