And The Winner Is...

A personality vacuum resembling a plank of wood in an expensive suit won series two of The Apprentice last night. The plank called Kelly beat a Barbie doll lookalike named Jennifer after both had completed an event organising task and the victorious former military man celebrated with a display of whooping that had all the grace of a cage-bound baboon lobbing its own shit at one of its neighbours.

But the real highlight of the finale of The Apprentice last night was the way the usual intimate boardroom end-of-show format turned into an episode of The Jerry Springer Show as screens were pulled back and the boardroom suddenly appeared on the stage of a huge theatre filled with several hundred people.

The astoundingly haired Donald Trump sat in the middle of a big desk on this stage and he was flanked by his colleague George, one of the few genuinely entertaining and smart men on the programme, and his colleague Carolyn, the no-nonsense ice queen who’s become a prominent feature of some of my darkest sexual fantasies. Even better she’d had her hair done specially in sort of flicked bouffant affair. She obviously has her eyes on the Trump role come the next series.

The unsuccessful candidates who’d previously been fired came out and said their pieces about the two remaining wannabe squillionaires and took seats on stage like in This Is Your Life, then advice from various business dignitaries (all white and all male) in the audience was sought. We then had a few audience soundbites and some footage from more colleagues (Yawn!) then Don invited the two remaining candidates out for a grilling.

Jennifer was razor-sharp and intelligent throughout this but the man who could ‘give and follow orders’ won the day. And there’s an important lesson to be learnt here... the dim American white man always wins. But with a Texan Forrest Gump as US President I guess that comes as no surprise.

God bless America!