Matthew Bourne's Swan Lake: Part Two...

Me and the missus are leaving the ballet having seen Matthew Bourne’s Swan Lake.

The twist with this production is that the group of swans, which is usually danced by an all-female troupe, is played by men... beautifully toned and muscular men in fact… the sort of beautifully toned and muscular men who could turn a straight man gay. Easily.

Anyway it was a stunning production and the missus is very moved…

‘That was beautiful.’
‘Yes. It was. It’s just that…’
‘What?’
‘Did you notice the fat swan?’
‘He wasn’t fat.’
‘He bloody was.’
‘He wasn’t. It’s just that every other swan had muscles on muscles and he was merely well toned.’
‘He looked as though he’d eaten all the swan pies.’
‘There’s no such thing as swan pies. And he was my favourite actually.’
‘Yeah. Mine too… Let’s hear it for the fat swan!’

I applaud. The missus stares at me. I stop. The missus continues in her adoration of the male swans.

‘And they all moved so gracefully. Such grace coupled with such power…’
‘It’s a bit of an odd story, though, isn’t it?’
‘How do you mean?’
‘Well it’s about a man who wants to shag a swan.’
‘He’s not really a swan.’
‘He had a swan costume.’
‘It was a fantasy.’
‘So he goes around dreaming about shagging swans.’
‘He was disturbed.’
‘And male swans too. Are some swans gay?’
‘In the original ballet it’s a woman.’
‘Gay or straight it’s still some nutter wanting to pop his Toby up a swan.’
‘Toby?’
‘Yes...’
‘What’s a Toby?’
‘It’s a name for… a man’s…’
‘And who exactly calls it a Toby?’
‘Lots of people…’
‘It’s just you isn’t it?’

Pause.

‘Let’s hear it for the fat swan!’