Goth News…

My latest Goth spot occurred earlier this week when I was cycling through Hyde Park and coming towards me were two Goths. But they weren’t normal Goths. Oh, no…

For a start they were very chubby Goths. Now I have nothing against the corpulent (usually because I can’t physically get near enough to the fat fuckers), but to me the whole Goth vibe suggests something of the brooding, the melancholic, even the slightly acetic…

Nowhere in the Goth manual does it recommend rosey-cheeked chubbiness or suggest stuffing your face with cake – because this smacks of enjoyment, happiness, health and even downright pleasure. But this was not their worst sin. Oh, no… much worse was to follow… because they were roller-blading!

Fat, roller-blading, rosey-cheeked, well-fed Goths. It was all I could do to stay upright on my bike and not fall off, reduced to a gibbering wreck as the Yummy Mummies I have to negotiate in Hyde Park dragged their kids away from the strange cycling man who was swearing and crying.

So I’ve decided I am going to take the plunge and buy a camera-phone so I can document and shame these scum – and any others – who are quite frankly letting the side down.

This means war. You have been warned…