Nigella Express...

It may come as no surprise to anyone who's ever spent any time in my company, but I have very little shame. I'll quite happily admit to all manner of breath-taking stupidity and sexual shenanigans from my drunken (and even my sober) years...

In fact two of my favourite 'self-as-idiot' stories involve one spectacularly unimpressive sexual performance and one gruesome sexual injury. But even my worst in-bed behaviour has never been anywhere near as flagrantly pornographic or erotic as Nigella Lawson in front of a TV camera.

Take Nigella Express on BBC2 for example…

In last night's episode the curvaceous one winked, smiled and fluttered her eyelashes through some recipes… for some people… she was probably friends with… at some point in her life...

To be quite honest I wasn't paying much attention to the cooking. But that’s because I am a man and as such I was instantly seduced by her lilting, suggestive tones and the soft-focus lighting as she did her thing in the kitchen. It was like an episode of the Red Shoe Diaries (soft-porn series narrated by David Duchovny while talking to a dog) populated by food fetishists.

Because the sad truth is Nigella Express and pretty much every other one of her cookery shows is all about a posh bird getting flirty and making everything sound just a little bit suggestive and even slightly dirty. And it's got to the point where even she's so bored of the joke now that she’s become a parody of herself.

Fortunately I am on hand to sort the matter out. So here’s the plan…

I suggest she ditches the cooking altogether and just makes porn. Or failing that she sticks to the cooking but does one episode where she's banged every which way that is humanly possible while she's cooking. Then she'll have got it out of her system, the TV producers responsible for her shows will have seen what they've been after all along and the viewing public can watch her make food instead of being titillated by a bored posh bird making food sound suggestive because they’ve seen all their fantasies acted out in full technicolour anyway.

Sadly if she doesn't do either of the above it won't be long before she's so bored that any suggestion of coquettishness goes out of the window and she'll be delivering scripts exactly like the one below:

NIGELLA (Bored and monotonal):
‘When I’m feeling ravenous and I want something really satisfying I long for my husband’s special sausage. It’s big and it’s meaty and it’s something I feast on whenever I can. God how it fills me up. But my husband’s big, meaty sausage doesn’t come looking good enough to eat straight away. Oh no… First I have to work it between my fingers to make sure it’s the right size and shape. I also have special equipment to make sure it’s hot and steamy, then to finish it off I cover it in my special juices before gorging on it. I particularly love the way the juices dribble down my chin when I’ve got too much in my mouth and it’s nearly hitting the back of my throat…’

This will happen. You’ve been warned…