I have just finished a martial arts class and I am in the changing rooms at the gym. In this class I was helping a lower-belt learn an escape from a front hold that basically sees you grab the opponent’s head with both hands and twist his head so he either falls away or his neck eventually breaks. It’s a beautiful technique and so effortlessly violent that you have to be careful when learning it or teaching it otherwise it can hurt.
I spent about five minutes going through this technique and at some point my neck got a little jarred so I finish class and head for the shower and stand under a hot stream of water directing the shower head onto the sore part of my neck.
No good. It still hurts… so I stand in the changing rooms moving my neck around and pushing my chest forward and trying to get rid of this crick in my neck. Still no good so instead of pushing my chest forward and moving my neck around I throw my whole body forward and my head back and I’ve now nearly got it. If I can just push everything forward a bit more…
It is then I realise I am being stared at by the only other man in the changing rooms, who wears a hat and looks like John Inman. It is then I also realise I am standing naked and it actually looks like I am thrusting my genitalia in the direction of the John Inman lookalike who is 3ft away from me.
What to do? I smile and motion as if to say ‘I’m just stretching out’ but instead my hands face him palm up at waist height. With my chest and head back and my lower area prominent it looks like I’m presenting myself to him. Idiot, idiot, idiot... He simply straighten his tie, rolls his eyes and smiles. He walks past me and waves on his way out.
I may have just instigated some complex form of mating ritual with an elderly gay gentleman. Oh dear…
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