Teenagers, like most other pack animals, sense weakness so five hours before the Missus landed at Heathrow the Boy switched from caring, considerate teenager who thinks his stepfather is pretty cool to sarcastic little shit who think it’s funny to wind him up…The scene is a late breakfast with me and the Boy sat at the kitchen table. He starts to chomp his food in a very audible manner. I choose to ignore it but it then goes on for five minutes during which time he has broken the world carrot-noise-eating records and, somehow, he has even managed to eat hummus loudly.
So I interject.
‘What are you doing?’
‘Nothing…’
‘Are you taking the piss out of me eating?’
‘Yes.’
‘But I don’t eat that loudly and even if I did it never bothers you…’
‘But it bothers Mum and she’s not here so I’m sticking up for her feelings…’
The Missus eventually returns and we head off out for a welcome back family curry. During which the following truths become all too apparent.
i) The Missus would not think twice about leaving me if Cillian Murphy from 28 Days Later and Sunshine were to avail his services.
ii) Seoul is pretty ‘soul-less’.
iii) The Boy has clearly decided his place in the grand scheme of things is of dominant male in the household. This obviously means I am the comic relief.
iv) I cannot eat onion bhajis correctly. In fact I am actually criticised by the Missus for eating Indian finger food with my fingers.
It’s good to know that things are obviously back to normal…
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