I am a huge fan of The Apprentice, the BBC series where would-be tycoons of tomorrow enter into a boardroom version of Lord Of The Flies while Alan Sugar pretends to be a poor man’s Donald Trump (which is very poor indeed) and presides over proceedings… Previous series of the show have seen a fair amount of utter tossers who’ll quite happily stab everyone else and their families and any nearby disabled children in the back in order to secure the prize of working for Sugar for a year. But this year’s remaining candidates are a more loathsome bunch than usual with several stroppy women who do nothing but talk over each other and bitch about each other, a couple of badly suited geezers who speak exclusively in chav business speak (‘Put your neck on the chopper! Go on…’) and the token poshos who’ll probably end up winning it.
Last night the candidates had to create and design a greeting card for a new market and the utter ineptitude they demonstrated doing this was a wonder to behold. One team went for an environmental card without realising that printing, posting and extra paper waste is only adding to the problem, while the others opted for a national singles day idea without figuring out who would actually send the targeted singleton their card.
Some dimwit West Country midget who looks like a hobbit and was slightly more clueless than the rest was fired, but based on last night Sugar should have booted them all and got infant school children to compete for the rest of the series as he’d probably have got more sense, ingenuity and professionalism out of them.
To be fair the format is a bit tired and you fear that, like Big Brother, the show’s makers have intentionally got more fractious housemates together in an attempt to create conflict and boost interest.
But that’s rubbish and not going the whole hog so my suggestion to spice it up would be as follows:
* Get everybody who applies to be on the show and lock them in a large warehouse until they turn cannibal and eat the weaker contestants. It obviously has a comedy running commentary courtesy of Adrian Chiles.
* Get the bedraggled and bloody survivors and make them fight with their palm pilots, mobile phones and briefcases until only 100 remain. A bit like Mad Max: Beyond The Thunderdome with Margaret in the Tina Turner role.
* Take these 100 and lock them in a cellar (topical, you see) and let Nick’s evil twin torture the fuck out of each and every one of them until only one remains.
* Declare the survivor the winner but let Sugar kill them anyway by dousing them in petrol, nailing them to a cross and torching them as he utter the words ‘You’re fired!’
* Supply a live webfeed of all the rounds and ensure it’s as brutal as possible. Not only will it prevent others applying for future series but it will also do the gene pool an enormous favour.
It’s a sure-fired winner! Geddit?
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