Oz Awards

I’ve decided to award prizes to some of those who contributed to the fun and games of my recent trip to Oz. So in no particular order are:

Insult Of The Trip Award: Goes to the pissed wino standing outside the bottle store on Oxford Street in Sydney. He repeatedly badgered me for a spare dollar and I repeatedly refused him as politely as I could. When he realized he wasn’t getting any joy he went for a killer insult after looking me up and down for any potential weak spot to attack. He could have insulted my big nose, my specs, my loud tourist shirt, my English accent – but instead he went off-road and came out with ‘Well thanks a lot, yer hat-wearing idiot!’ Genius as I was wearing a hat...

Comedy Of The Trip Award: Goes to We Can Be Heroes: Finding The Australian Of The Year. You won’t have heard of this and neither had I until my pals bought me it for Xmas. It’s mock documentary where Oz comedian Chris Lilley plays five different Aussies who are all nominated in the regional finals of the Australian Of The Year Competition. It’s brilliantly funny and the best thing I’ve seen this side of Peep Show.

Fact Of The Trip Award: We did the Sydney Harbour Bridge Walk and the guy taking our group up the bridge told us that it takes 5.6 seconds for anyone wanting to jump off the bridge from its highest point to hit the water below. Nice thing to know when you’re several hundred metres up in the air…

Surfer Of The Trip Award: Goes to my stepson who persevered for three lessons until he got up on the board and stayed up on it. I got up straight away and thought I was a natural – only to spend the next four lessons falling off like a 12-toed inbred village idiot.

And yes it was a bloody fabulous trip!