Let’s Talk About…

OK. It’s time for some honesty.

And I mean real honesty – not the sort of guff semi-educated-but-desperate-for-action blokes use to con girls into thinking they’re the sort of man who can openly share emotions and in turn respond to the emotional needs of a female partner. No, no, no, no, no! We’re not talking anything as vague as that sort of old shite. At all…

I mean real honesty. So here goes… I like sex. Really like it. Quite a lot actually…

Doing it is obviously tops but I also admit to a passing interest in talking about it, reading about it and even sometimes watching it. But much as I like all these things I realise I am an absolute amateur in the world of sex when compared to the good folk behind A 21st Century Girl’s Guide To Sex on Five.

Because they are bonkers for it! And by that I mean utterly mad. Really mad…

This late-night documentary series (wink, wink) features reports on all sorts of stuff, from orgasms and masturbation to role play and toy use. And it’s done with just enough quasi-scientific boffin-nonsense attached that it very nearly convinces viewers that it’s not soft-porn masquerading as ‘something serious’. At all. No sirree!

My first sighting of this series occurred a week ago when the opening episode took a look at the female orgasm. And when I write ‘took a look’ I really mean ‘took a look’ because the show features two performers who spend large periods shagging the brains out of each other with all manner of microscopic cameras on wires attached to their genitalia for the benefit of the viewing public.

So we have a minute of the couple shagging (always against a plain white background because THIS IS SCIENCE) then the scene switches to what’s happening inside.

The show’s makers are obviously very chuffed with this hi-tech gadgetry because they use it several times. So a report on furry handcuffs cuts back into internal footage of a penetrated vagina, while a voxpop on vibrators cuts into shots of the female shaggee lying on her back getting jiggy with the male shagger as a voiceover explains some new-fangled position called the lunar-rabbit riding the spacehopper or some such tosh.

I can’t decide if it’s rubbish or genius but it’s clearly the sort of wet dream letter-writers to The Daily Mail have been waiting decades for (so they can watch the series, record it, rewatch it, rewind it several times then complain about it).

And if it upsets that bunch it’s not wasted TV in my opinion. More please! Probably…