Pornucopia…

This is a true story that happened to a friend of mine…

My friend of mine was feeling a little jaded. He’d been very busy at work, his wife had been away and several other things had gone pretty badly wrong.

So to cheer himself up he decided he’d buy some 1970s pornography. Modern porn didn’t really float his boat but 1970s stuff with real women, men with tashes and body hair, corny plots and fantastically cheesy soundtracks always kept him entertained.

So he went to a shop in Soho to treat himself – but when he got there he was too embarrassed to go into the shop let alone buy anything so he wended his way home.

Pondering his embarrassment he decided to go in semi-disguise and he opted for the look of a French tourist as anyone with any knowledge of world affairs knows French men have no shame when it comes to matters of sex and any one of them would rut a polo while smoking a Gitanne if the urge came upon them.

So wearing a hat, some stout hiking shoes and carrying a backpack, and using all his acting skills to get into the character, he finally entered the land of smut in Soho. The store was busy and as he was still feeling slightly embarrassed he decided to find a place away from the busy spot to work out where his intended target DVD would be located. The TV section was empty so he backed into there so he could get the lie of the land.

Unfortunately TV did not mean television section as he previously thought. It meant transvestite section.

On realising this he backed out of there at a rate of knots and looked for the door. But he got the wrong door and ended up in another section of the store standing next to two women, one of whom turned to my friend and exclaimed ‘It’s all men in here. Have you noticed?’

Not knowing what to say he adopted his French tourist character and simply replied ‘Oui madam…’ and left.

Fortunately next door was another store and my colleague entered to find it was empty apart from the man serving behind the counter.

Even better a quick peruse through the titles on the shelf and it was pay dirt as there was a classic 1970s film called The Opening Of Misty Beethoven that ticked all the boxes. So he picked it up and headed to the counter and, even though a hen party then entered the store, it was surely a matter of buy the film and off.

But no…

The man at the counter struggled to find the disc and searched through his files but to no avail. Then he shouted downstairs and asked for the film by title. Seconds later a little man runs up the stairs and shouts ‘Don’t have that. But we do have one where Mozart fucks a group of nuns.’

At this point the hen party are intrigued by what my friend is trying to buy and head on over to the counter to investigate. Having had his recommendation rejected the man returns downstairs but as my friend is heading out of the door he runs back up clutching the missing DVD in his hand.

My friend pays for it and is about to head out of the shop when the man behind the counter then tries to sell him a loyalty card but after five minutes of explaining he is not interested he finally gets out of the shop.

He’s stood in the transvestite section of a store, he’s pretended to be a Frenchman, he’s been pegged as a man who wants to watch nuns having sex and he’s even been offered a loyalty card scheme for pornography fans. But he’s got it and it’ll be great as he saw the film when he was 15 and it was very funny.

So later at home he finally goes to play the DVD and puts it in his DVD player – and it's the wrong region…