I always make the Missus a present for her birthday or for Xmas. Previous gifts have included a DIY liposuction kit, a self-powered hairdryer and a puppet theatre version of Guys And Dolls when I initially thought I couldn’t get tickets for her.
But this year is my opus magnus of self-built presents. And even better it’s what practically every woman in the world wants – their very own 'Johnny' Depp. So here’s how you do it…
INGREDIENTS
A five-pack of Durex
Two bendy plastic spines for binding documents
Sellotape
A picture of Johnny Depp
METHOD
Carefully open the Durex packet and remove the contents. Attach the plastic spines inside the top and bottom of the empty packet and bend so they make the shape of legs and arms. Take two Durex and attach as feet and take two Durex and attach as hands. Then attach the remaining Durex as a neck. Take the picture of Johnny Depp and cut out the head. Attach the picture to the neck Durex and voila. 'Johnny' Depp!
ALTERNATIVES
If the woman in your life is a rugby fan it could be 'Johnny' Wilkinson, if she’s a former punk it could be 'Johnny' Rotten and if she’s a Corrie fan it could be 'Johnny' Briggs. The main gag, though, is obviously that the UK slang for Durex is 'Johnnies' so it really only works with Johnnies.
Consider this idea my gift to you. Merry Xmas.
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