Meat...

Here's the opening scene of a play I'm just finishing rewrites on. It's called Meat and it's about sexual commodification and disease in 1880s London.

SCENE 1: INTERIOR. HOUSE OF ASSIGNATION. KENSINGTON.
Grams: Jerusalem.
Lights up. A spartan but clean bedroom in a Victorian house of assignation. Simms, a dwarf in his mid-thirties, stands up. Mrs Fenton, a fortysomething woman of polite breeding and refinement, stands too. She removes a veil. She is nervous.

SIMMS
I trust my carriage was to your satisfaction?

MRS FENTON
Your man was both punctual and courteous, Mr Simms. Is this to be the place for our ‘lesson’?

SIMMS
It is. It may lack in grandeur but the woman who owns the house is a long-time acquaintance and keeps it clean. More importantly the house is quiet and unassuming.

MRS FENTON
Five pounds is the agreed fee?

SIMMS
That is correct.

MRS FENTON
And I assume complete discretion is promised?

SIMMS
It is guaranteed. I also offer a refund to all ‘pupils’ if the ‘lesson’ is not carried out to their full satisfaction.

MRS FENTON
Good… May I inquire as to your ‘health’?

SIMMS
My ‘health’?

MRS FENTON
Yes. Your… (She gestures to Simms’ groin area) ‘health’.

SIMMS
(Understanding) My apologies. My ‘health’ is excellent. I only provide ‘lessons’ to ladies of status and virtue so I have never had ‘health’ issues of any description, be it ‘burning’, ‘French disease’ or any other similar malady. I have documentation confirming this from a reputable surgeon who specialises in such matters should you wish to see it.

MRS FENTON
No, no. That will not be necessary… But if you don’t mind me saying, Mr Simms… I mean, your advertisement in the newspaper did not mention… The description was… You do not strike me as…

SIMMS
Particularly tall?

MRS FENTON
Yes…

SIMMS
And you are concerned that my lack of vertical inches may equate with a lack of ‘manliness’ elsewhere?

MRS FENTON
I would never…

SIMMS
If I were at liberty to divulge my current client list, and if they were disposed to reveal what ‘entertainments’ they enjoyed while their husbands were away, you would have references from several leading lights of London society. And those ladies would affirm I have the inches of a man many times my height and the ‘manliness’ of 20 men of a Herculean build.

MRS FENTON
I see…

SIMMS
In fact if you will allow me to briefly lock the door I will allow a full examination of the aforementioned inches of Toby…

MRS FENTON
‘Toby?’

SIMMS
I find it helpful to give my attribute a name then should clients tire of over-vigorous exertions they can ask me to ‘Quell Toby’ while they rest, rather than employ the type of language used by dollymops or women of less gentle refinement.

MRS FENTON
A considerate approach, Mr Simms.

SIMMS
I was always schooled that good manners cost nothing.

MRS FENTON
I suppose it is only right and proper that I inspect the ‘chattels’ before committing to buy.

SIMMS
I am sure my lady would not send her maidservants to purchase the latest fashions without first checking their fit and this transaction is no different. Goods and services for money.

MRS FENTON
Yes. Quite right… Please proceed.

Simms goes to the door and locks it. He draws the curtains, turns down the lamp light and stands with his back to the audience. Simms unbuttons his trousers and pulls them down. His shirt flaps down. His back is still to the audience.

SIMMS
If I may take your hand?

She nervously offers her hand. He takes her hand and places it between his legs. We see her face.

MRS FENTON
(An intake of breath) My…

SIMMS
If I may take your other hand?

He takes her other hand and places it further between his legs.

MRS FENTON
(An intake of breath) Oh my…

SIMMS
My current girth in its flaccid state is three inches and its length six. Once aroused it is four and one half inches in girth and 10 inches in length. It can supply a vigorous pumping motion for one hour before any decline and it has performed for twice that time on occasions. The lady concerned, however, was French nobility and in my experience women of that nation and class are insatiable. With such females sapping their energies it is little wonder their menfolk are rarely victorious in warfare.

Silence.

SIMMS
You may remove your hands at any point.

MRS FENTON
(Remembering herself) Yes. Of course…

She collects herself. Simms pulls up and buttons his trousers, turns up the light on the lamp, undraws the curtains and unlocks the door. He returns to stand in front of her.

SIMMS
I trust everything is to your satisfaction?

MRS FENTON
I am sure it will be.

SIMMS
Good. I shall expect you next Tuesday at 2pm for three hours. My coachman will meet you at 1pm at the same place as today. After that he will arrange new points of collection and embarkation on a weekly basis. I look forward to our ‘lesson’.

Simms bows. Blackout. Cut to…